1) Grammar is your friend. Make all your grammar make sense, and you'll be much better off.
Okay, now that I said that, let's go on to the story, shall we?
You started off interestingly enough, with an interesting voice and an interesting premise, and I must admit, it did hook me. But then, somewhere towards the middle, you decided that we didn't need anymore dialogue that would reveal the characters in some interesting way. Instead, you decided to do an info dump and tell us everything about your characters to us. The problem? We do not really know them well enough to care. Let us see more of your characters by using well-written dialogue and well-placed action sequences. Then, if their past history is really important to the plot, I guess you can tell us. Or better yet, have the characters tell us through some more well-placed and well-written dialogue.
Anyway, welcome to YWS!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Grammar and punctuation, as Snoink rightly points out, needs work. Is it deliberate or not?
Your beginning was by far the best part. Then suddenly this Duey person appeared and after that the story became very difficult to follow. Having a clear plot structure and obvious scene changes will remove many of the problems that the story currently suffers. Characters could be better presented, and as human beings rather than actors with which to play around. Give your characters some life and energy. Then the story will take on its own life and energy.
As it stands, 5/10. However, this story does have bags of potential. Keep working at it!
thanx for ur comments and some of the grammar errors are on propose because thats how my main character's mind is.Like the "I"s I put them in lower case for a reason. However not all of the problems are deliberate and I'm working on them and their are all less of accidental errors than behind.
Like Snoink said, Grammar is important, make sure you review it before you post it, k?
I liked the idea, but you had a lot of big paragraphs wich could have been made smaller, you know?
It wasn't bad and I really liked it. You have something going here my friend.
shanan-cat!
"Laugh like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching, and love like you're going to doe tomorrow." --Unknown
