i love you.

this is unfortunatly about a young boy who wittnessed his mother get beaten and then later on himself by his father. please tell me your reactions.....

I will never say it again.
I love you.
those words thrown and shattered
all the happiness took
leaving me torn
like pages from a book
so who would love you?
of course i would.
I wanted to help but if only i could
you stand there laughing above all
you just didnt care who you made fall
you take the good within a cage
give none back, only rage
I wanted a hug i wanted a kiss
but all i got back was a clench of a fist
you say she's worthless you say i should laugh
but don't you see you are tearing us in half
the whole world is divided seems to break apart
the things you have decided seem to break my heart
the picture that was there still on the floor
said i love you best dad of them all.
thats where we are now
all crumpled on the floor
there is no sound except a slamming of a door.

Nice! ^^
Except for some typos, it's fine.

You wrote:
i will never say it again.
i love you.
those words thrown and shattered
----------
The 'i''s should be capitalized.

You wrote:
leaving me torn
like pages from a book
so who would love you?
ofcorse i would.
---------
It should be 'of course' instead of 'ofcorse'

You wrote:
i wanted a hug i wanted a kiss
but all i got back was a clentch of a fist
---------------
'clentch' is correctly spelt 'clench'

You wrote:
you say shes worthless you say i should laugh
-----------
'shes' should be possessive. (she's)

You wrote:
the whole world is divided seems to break apart
the things you have decided seem to break my heart
-------------------
I really like those lines. Very emotional.

You wrote:
all the happyness took
-----------
'happyness' is correctly spelt 'happiness'

You wrote:
all crumpeled on the floor
--------------
'crumpeled' should be spelled 'crumpled'

You wrote:
but dont you see you are tearing us in half
-------------
'dont' should be don't.

Overall:
That was a very, very, very powerful piece. So raw yet so emotional. I swear, it almost made me cry. Especially at the:
'the picture that was there still on the floor
said i love you best dad of them all.'
That was so beautiful. Beautifully sad.
This poem was really, really good. You can improve on it, but you've writen a great structure and with a tiny bit of work, it could be spectacular.
This was excellent, keep it up! I want to read more of your work!

this hit me hard. i know there were some small errors, but the meaning , i couldnt even imanginge going thru that.
if you were wanting tears, you got them.
it is very good.
makes me want to go find him and do the same back.

this world needs a Father who will love them, and one who cares more about the inside then the outside.

kim

It's greatly emotional, but the errors kinda hindered the flow of the poem (from my view, that is).
However, it's still a great poem. Keep it up!

*bawling* Sniff... Sniff... OK... I think I'm better now. This was so sad! Very good, but sad. The bad grammar mentioned before did halt the flow of the poem a little bit, but mostly it was just good.

Keep writing!

That was a very moving poem...thats all I can say, I am speechless

-bobiscool

omg! that hit hard! i know what the boy is going through! my best frieend was beaten by her dad! so i can kinda touch base with the meaning of you poem. like the posters before me i shed some tears too! Wow was all i could really think of!

Other then some spelling errors the poem was great!

Keep writing!

Ringettegirl

Yes, the structure was very, very powerful. I think that overall, without the typos and the little "intro" at the beginning [save that for comments and such], this piece smacks the reader in the face. Almost made me tear up.

At first when I started reading the poem, I was like "Dear God, it rhymes..." and I thought it'd be another screwed-up rhythmic poem. But you turned it towards the good.

This just needs some tweaking: you've got the emotion down, you need to fix the typos, and if it helps add on to it or take some things out. I'm not going to tell you which, I usually specialize in fiction, but if it helps the poem then do it [but save the original poem just in case].

I can totally relate to the way the young boy felt in this poem. I was abused by my mother until I finally was able to get away. It is a hard thing to over come, and it is even more challenging to figure out why some one who told you they loved you could leave you shattered and cold on the floor they walk on. I am still in the healing process, but I am OK. I have realized that I didn't make my mom hit me, she was the one with the problem. It is just hard to understand how some one could do that to their child.

Firstly, I would just like to thank you for rating this piece; nice to see people using the ratings system

That being said, I'm afraid I must admit that this poem did little for me. Both beginning and ending were very effective and have the potential to pack a great deal of punch - if only I could understand the rest of it. Unfortunately, I found it entirely lacking in sense and cohension, not to mention imagery, metaphor and simile - which basically killed any kind of emotional impact it could have had.

Things to work on:

1. Basics. This means punctuation, spelling, grammar, and proof reading. This poem is in desperate need of all of the above. While spelling and grammar errors have been pointed out, you also need punctuation to make your work more comprehensible to the reader. And a bit of thorough proof-reading would not go amiss either.

Example: "but dont you see you are tearing us in half" needs a question mark. There should be many more full stops than there are. There need to be capital letters, especially for the "I"s.

2. Clarity. You really need to go over your work to make sure it is comprehensible. I found that many times I was left scratching my head and wondering what the heck you were trying to say.

Example: You declare that "i will never say it again/i love you" in the first two lines, and then later answer the question "so who would love you?" with "ofcorse i would". What? What does that even mean and why is it relevant? Similarly, the poem is scattered with disconnected images and emotions. Try to sort through them and put them in some kind of order! A lot of the time this reads as being very garbled to me and it doesnt follow any kind of story or pattern. Without your little intro, I wouldnt have had a clue who the people in this poem were supposed to be. It really needs cleaning up. A lot.

3. Poetry. Like I said, there's no imagery, no sense of immediacy or place in this poem. You use next to no poetic techniques beyond the rhyming and line breaks. Try working in some pictures and sensations for the reader to identify with, so that we can emotionally engage with the poem. We want to feel with the child, not be told about his pain in the abstract.

Those are the three major issues I see here. I would also advise working on your rhythm a bit more, and perhaps picking topics that are less cliche until you have the experience to deal with them in a more original manner. To be perfectly honest, this reads like a bad chain email. In fact, I've read better chain emails - at least they employ full sentences.

My main recommendation to you is to study poetry. Read it, learn it, understand it. And practice it. I'm sure you can improve, but right now you appear to have all of the heart but none of the skill to convey it effectively.

Regards,
~bubbles

One thing; rating system?

Okay, now the poem.

This was wonderful, I thought you picked up on the ideas you used very well. I wasn't keen on the structure of it all but that's just personal preference so you can ignore that. Also, you need to use some more punctuation and capitalize your letters; checking typos too.

Good work!
GingerLove

As the others have commented, I found this poem to be really powerful, its simplicity is what makes it so beautiful and the ideas and images expressed offer a unique look into the world of domestic violence. I particularly liked "thats where we are now / all crumpled on the floor / there is no sound except a slamming of a door." However, it might be better to say "except the slamming of a door" just to be grammatically correct.

Here comes the constructive criticism:

I thought the length of your lines was a bit too long. You may want to split most of your lines in two just to make them more 'digestible' and less confusing.

For instance:

The first 8 lines are perfect in terms of length, they are short, they are punchy (which is probably ideal because you want to get a reaction out of the reader).

If I were to edit the rest of your lines, it would probably read like this:

i will never say it again
i love you
those words thrown and shattered
all the happiness took
leaving me torn
like pages from a book
so who would love you?
i would

i wanted to help
if only i could
you stand there laughing above all
you didn't care who you made fall
you take the good within a cage
give none back
only rage

i wanted a hug
i wanted a kiss
but all i got back was the clench of a fist
you say she's worthless
you say i should laugh
but don't you see
you're tearing us in half
the whole world is divided
seems to break apart
the things you have decided
seem to break my heart

the picture that was there
still on the floor
said i love you
best dad of them all
thats where we are now
all crumpled on the floor
there is no sound
except the slamming of a door

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason I've edited it like that is because I don't believe in using capital letters or punctuation in poems (but you may decide that you do, so feel free to ignore what I've done). Also, I think that the length of a line should reflect the natural length of the poet's breath, so that when you read it out loud, it sounds good and natural, and you're not constantly having to take a massive breath to read the next line.
Sometimes there are words which are unnecessary, such as 'but' & 'and'. These give poems a 'prosaic' (ie prose) quality. But poems should be as efficient, as punchy and as short as is necessary. This is not to say that I believe in short poems, but that one should cut out the unnecessary stuff that just clogs up the poem and interferes with its flow.
I've divided the poem into stanzas because I think you're expressing different things in each of them, and that your poem comes in different stages.

I hope you find that useful, and well done on writing such a beautiful poem!

I really liked it, because it was sad.

The only thing that made it really hard to read were capitals and punctuation. Without it the poem is just like a huge runon sentence.

Other than that, this is good!


BBB

Nice work.
But I didn't really get it about a mothers death.
There are some small errors in your spelling and your "I" s should be in capitals.
Other than that... It was nice but I think you should review it a few more times and just clean it up a little bit. Right now its like the skeleton of a peace of art!

Good luck!
Gwenevire
xox