Hi there Smorg! I think I'll give you a crit on this one while the script is still fresh in my mind but I'll see if I have time to do that other script for you as well later on...
My general impression of this is that you have some lovely imagery but your punctuation could be better and you've lost some of the meaning and depth you had in the script. Hmmm. I do think the poem is very good though and hard to compare to the script because they both have their advantages. Here's some suggestions -
What a Waste
What a Waste - when [A comma might work better than a dash here.] Alison Becker bled
All over her latest poem. [Instead of all over, maybe use across? I think it flows better.]
Black scrawl was deluged
By a harsh critic
Who crept across the loose-leaf
And erased each and every
Line of melancholy [I think you should have a full stop here and then change the next line to 'Erased without care...' for extra emphasis perhaps?] Without care
For the thoughts on the page.
Diluted were the
Lamentations and the
Clichéd sorrow
That Alison had read
In another poem.[Brilliant imagery and some real meaning here.]
For did all that really matter
In the End? [I think the ending could be stronger. In fact, you should expand this to incorporate the general theme of suffering in the world like you have in your play. It is very good though and I think with a little work, I'd prefer the poem to the script.]
i left you a comment on your play but in case you didn't see it i thought i'd leave another one here. i read your poem first and thought you did a good job but then i read your play and well, it was definitely better. obviously, you are more of a playwright than a poet which is fine. you just need more practice. after reading the play, the poem did make much more sense and it was much more enjoyable. both are quite emotionally provocative but you get a more complete picture. if you were to pursue this poem, you might want to add a bit more information, or, depending on your intentions, not. In the first line of your poem, i might say
instead of "What a Waste- when"
"What a waste
when"
the rest of the poem flows quite nicely.
~abby~
cross the wall? nobody crosses the wall!
-stardust
First of all, you don't have to capitalize every other letter. Really!
Now... for the poem!
What a Waste - when
Alison Becker bled
All over her latest poem. <--- the line breaks of this stanza look weird. You should fix them.
Black scrawl was deluged <--- maybe talk about how black and red go with each other? Might as well make it emo!
By a harsh critic
Who crept across the loose-leaf
And erased each and every
Line of melancholy
Without care
For the thoughts on the page.
Diluted were the
Lamentations and the
Clichéd sorrow
That Alison had read <--- delete this line
In another poem. <--- and this one
For did all that really matter
In the End? <--- um... unless you are referring to a Linkin Park song, you should probably not capitalize it.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
I'm going back and following up on the poem and the script. Thanks for all the critiques!
Kitty: I went back and added commas where I thought there'd be a pause. You tell me if I assuaged the punctuation gods. I had the dash in the beginning because I liked the way it looked. Nothing more. It's gone.
Abby: I opt to keep "Waste" in the first line. The title isn't the important part, I don't want it to stand alone.
somethingcreative: Well if that's the case, then I'm more open to the idea of pairing the poem and script together. Any suggestions?
Snoink: To be honest, I'm going to reject the majority of your suggestions.
-But first: I sure hope the poem didn't make you laugh. It's back to the drawing board if you can tell me what made it funny.
- I'm not so sure about de-capitalizing every line. I can point to a million poems that do that. Is it that important?
-I wasn't really going for it as a parody. I did write a parody poem on the same subject which i don't think is that great. No emo.
- You tell me to delete 2:11 and 2:12. Kitty tells me that they are brilliant imagery. I like the lines, so I'd like to hear from you exactly why they ought to go.
- End has been de-capitalized.
- [spoiler]But what if I was referring to the Linkin Park song? What then?[/spoiler]
Once again, thanks for the help/advice!
The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. - Robert Frost
