Crushed

My heart is filled
With love for another
Not family
Not friend

This is serious...
And I can't get him out of my head
I dream and write about him
I even cry about him
If it goes wrong
I will die because of him...

I would suggest adding a few rhyming lines, but, maybe tthat's just me.
It doesn't exactly flow, but like your other poetry, it is rough and full of feeling. It gives me a clear insight to your situation- kudos!

Thanks for your suggestions...But I like the way it does not rhyme. Its like a rose. Sharp etc.

Right now, this is a good start because it's really easy to feel the emotion in this, but it's very raw and underdeveloped- I think this piece as a whole could be expanded and more imagery added, more metaphor/similie type things and whatnot. This is a very, very bare poem but because of the emotion already present in it, could be made into something awesome if you added more to this. Right now, it seems like only an idea, like a backbone- make this beautiful by adding metaphors and similies and any other poetic devices you can think of to give this an added punch and make it even more memorable. Also, I'm not sure about using lines like, "This is serious," they don't do much for this and just take up space that could be filled with other deeper, more powerful lines. Basically, I like it but I think you could do a lot with this if you revised it some and I'd love to see it get even better!! Good joob with this so far though!!

i can tell you wrote with emotion
i personally wouldnt change a thing, if you did it would take away from what you were feeling at the time.
i loved this, great job!

kim

Thank you

hmmm...nice idea but i am not so fond of the second stanza, especially the "this is serious..." part. it sounds really cliche and you can't get him out of your head? come on. i just think it needs some better vocab. it could be really provocotive but right now it's a bit boring. keep working on it though. i'm sure you can make it better.

M'kay...
Thanks

you have no idea how much i can relate to this. i understand it fully. it shows alot of emotion. so good job and keep writing what you feel.

=)

You have a lot of emotion in your piece. You could have used more discriptors though. This would help you show the reader your feelings instead of just telling them. You should also expand the poem to paint a more complete picture of your emotions. Other than that you did a good job.

Thanks!
I will do that as soon as I have thought up the perfect word to complete my little poem!

i really loved this, it showed your emotion, it didn't matter to me if it didnt ryhme or had a rythem, it was still pretty great.

Thanks
It was just what I felt then. Some people like to express there emotions through poems and that is what I did!

To me, it felt too raw. It wasn't poetic enough. It was powerful emotion, but it needed some seasoning, a sprig of rosemary, some chicken broth and a splash of white wine if you're feeling ambitious. It's nice to be able to express your emotions like this, but it doesn't make fantastic poetry.

I know... Thanks =]