Sacred

<<I will be updating it and keep it going through the book...Just for now is the first chapter>>

Chapter 1.
Misery

Your hair is to red, your teeth are to long! The repetitive nagging of my mother through my mind Your just not human! I was quite fed up with all her verbal abuse and was on the verge of suicide. I was slowly making my way through the dark streets of my gloomy town. I took small clumsy steps as I thought... The air was slightly chilly and I had to button up my black coat and hunch up my shoulders for warmth. Small clouds of white breath billowed out of my mouth and past my red chapped lips. So far my life was quite miserable and there was no way out of it...I was destined to be a mutant in these lands and I would have to live with it until my demise witch at this rate was rapidly approaching. I was so lost in thought that I had accidentally bumped into into a tall muscular man. I reluctantly lifted my face; I looked up to a tall darkly robed man. His hood was drooped over his face covering it in a shadow of mystery. I took a weary step backwards before noticing that it was The Black Priest!

This was not good...They had been following me for days and where obviously planning to kill me. I turned on my heals and scurried through the streets. The loud clatter of my shoes against the cobble stoned streets was like thunder through the muted lands. I ran from person to person begging for help. But with no luck. No one dared intrude with The Black Priest duty. It was hopeless even my own mother turned me down with a dim glance. Small tears stung my icy blue eyes. I was trapped and all alone. My emotions started to overflow my mind in a sea of anger and sadness This is it...I die here. I let out a screech of pain as the boon cracking grip of the hooded figure above fastened around my wrist. Before I could think I flung myself at him and bit down hard on his tough leathery hand. He snarled in rage and flung a cold fist right into my nose. It let out a painful crack before spewing out streams of blood. I screamed in horror before falling to the ground unconscious.

<<To be continued>>

*Moved to Fantasy Fiction*

First, spelling errors!

Your hair is to red, your teeth are to long! The repetitive nagging of my mother through my mind Your just not human!

The second sentence should be "You're just not human!" Also, "to" should be replaced with "too." Also, the sentence made me think of Little Red Riding Hood.

I was quite fed up with all her verbal abuse and was on the verge of suicide. I was slowly making my way through the dark streets of my gloomy town. I took small clumsy steps as I thought... The air was slightly chilly and I had to button up my black coat and hunch up my shoulders for warmth. Small clouds of white breath billowed out of my mouth and past my red chapped lips. So far my life was quite miserable and there was no way out of it...I was destined to be a mutant in these lands and I would have to live with it until my demise witch at this rate was rapidly approaching.

Witch should be which.

Ugh! There is too much angst and drama. Personally, I'd just rather have her sulk around quietly than tell me; the reader; how terrible her life is. She begs people for help, but no one wants to help her.

Instead of having all this come out in a painful monologue, why not show us the effects of her mutation? Are people hostile towards her? Does her mere presence offend others? How do they react to her and vice versa?

The story itself is written in such a way that it is detailed, but most of the detail highlights the wrong things. Very little description is given to the town (that is, the entire setting) while an unhealthy amount of detail is wasted on describing the various parts of the protagonist (i.e. red chapped lips, ice blue eyes, etc.)

Instead of focusing so much on the characters' description, I suggest you focus more on her actions, what she is doing versus what she is thinking.

Wow...Thank you!
You have just made that clear to me and now I get it! Thanks...I will do some work on it soon. But not know because I am moving and will not have internet access for weeks. I will edit it on my lap top though. Thank you!

Oh and little red riding hood did not have red hair! But I see what you mean!

>>Not bad, Gwen!
Before I move on to the nit-picks, I just want to clarify something; aren't you writing the rest of your book in 3rd person? (ex: She climbed a tree)>>

You wrote{
Your hair is to red, your teeth are to long! The repetitive nagging of my mother* through my mind Your just not human!
----------------------
'to' should be 'too' and the second thought should probably be:
Your hair is too red, you teeth are too long! The repetitive nagging of my mother (insert word here) through me mind; You're just not human!

*Did you mean to type a word inbetween 'mother' and 'through'?

You wrote:
I took small clumsy steps as I thought... The air was slightly chilly and I had to button up my black coat and hunch up my shoulders for warmth.
------------------------
Instead of the ellipses (...) I think there should be a semi-colon, so that the sentence looks smething like this:
I took small, clumsy steps as I thought; the air was slightly chilly and I had to button up my black coat and hunch up my shoulders for warmth.

You wrote:
So far my life was quite miserable and there was no way out of it...I was destined to be a mutant in these lands and I would have to live with it until my demise witch at this rate was rapidly approaching.
------------------
I like the way you said 'witch at this rate was rapidly approaching'. It really makes me understand the depth of her agony, however, 'witch' should be 'which'.

You wrote:
I was so lost in thought that I had accidentally bumped into into a tall muscular man. I reluctantly lifted my face; I looked up to a tall darkly robed man. His hood was drooped over his face covering it in a shadow of mystery. I took a weary step backwards before noticing that it was The Black Priest!
-----------------------------------------
I think you used 'man' a bit too much, and some commas are needed; here is what I think the sentence should be:
I was so lost in thought that I had accidentally bumped into into a tall, muscular man. I reluctantly lifted my head and was surprised to find myself looking at the darkly robed man who towered above. His hood was drooped over his face, covering it in a shadow of mystery. I took a weary step backwards before noticing that it was The Black Priest!

*Maybe 'surprised' wasn't the best word for me to use, but I am still not completely sure of her feelings towards him (should I have said 'happy' or 'afraid' instead?) or if she imediately recognized him.

You wrote:
This was not good...They had been following me for days and where obviously planning to kill me.
-------------------
Nothing is wrong with this sentence but I think you should replace the ellipse (...) with a semi-colon. But maybe it's just me; I always use semi-colons

You wrote:
The loud clatter of my shoes against the cobble stoned streets was like thunder through the muted lands. I ran from person to person begging for help.
--------------------
Again, nothing wrong, but it just doesn't sound right to me. Kind of awkward. I would suggest changing it to:
The loud clatter of my shoes against the cobbled streets was like thunder as I ran from person to person, begging for help.

You wrote:
No one dared intrude with The Black Priest duty.
------------------
I'm not sure, but I think it would help to change it to this:
No one dared intrude with the Black Priest's duty.

You wrote:
It was hopeless even my own mother turned me down with a dim glance.
----------------
I like that phrase. It makes me understand just how desperate she is and how rejected she feels (and is) and her town. But it would make better sense if you did this:
It was hopeless; even my own mother turned me down with a dim glance.

You wrote:
My emotions started to overflow my mind in a sea of anger and sadness This is it...I die here.
---------------
Again, a semi-colon would be useful. (There is nothing between 'sadness' and 'this' so it is kind of odd) :
My emotions started to overflow in my mind in a sea of anger and sadness. This is it...I die here.

You wrote:
I let out a screech of pain as the boon cracking grip of the hooded figure above fastened around my wrist.
--------------
Boon cracking? I think you might have meant to say 'Bone cracking'

Suggestions
I think the quality of the writing is better than your previous posts, because you took into account using paragrpahs and all that other stuff
However, I think some things could be improved upon; in my opinion, you used 'I' to start alot of sentences. Also, as GriffinKeeper mentioned, it would be nice to get more of a description of the town. I mean, I can picture it in my head but I would appreciate a solid image.
Also, the paragraph in which she asks for help and has a brief fight with the Black Priest seems rushed. I would suggest describing in more detail her encounters with the villagers, or something like that.
It seems kind of sudden how the Black Priest just grabs and punches her. It might be a good idea to describe the look in his eyes, or what she was feeling etc.

Overall
It's a pretty good piece of writing
There are some adjustements you can make to make it more clear but I have noticed a big improvement from your previous works.
This piece gave the reader a better insight on her feelings than your others did. (In the others it was basically describing her and her surroundings) This is helpful so taht we can get to know her.
I like this beginning (for your book) more than the other. This one explains more how she came upon the other world (do you have a name for it?) and makes it easier to follow.
Keep up the good work!

Thanks..I can't make any changes know I have just snuck on!