Lilly and Severus

Before the letter,
Before Hogwarts,
Before potions, professors,
Before Deatheaters and Mudbloods,
Before James, Sirus, Lupin, Peter,
Before the Shrieking Shack,
Before Quidditch matches and trophies,
Before Harry,
Before the prophecy,
Before Trelawney and Dumbledore,
Before the Hog’s Head Pub,
Before the betrayal,
Before the death,
Before the scar,
Before the disappearance,
Before Privet Drive and the Dursleys,
Before the cupboard,
Before Hagrid,
Before the letter,

Before the beginning,
But till the end,
Lilly Evans and Severus Snape,
“Always.”


author's note:
for those who have read the Harry Potter Canon, you know that Severus Snape reveals his unconditional love for Lilly, in a chapter called "The Prince's Tale." There, he shows Dumbledore his patronus- a silver doe, same as Lilly's. Dumbledore asked ,"All this time?" and he replied with, "Always." "Always." is definately my favorite quote from the whole series. It always makes me tear up... I started dissecting what that really means, not only that he loved her, but the word itself. It's a very binding word, not to be used lightly but I thought it was apropriate when we look at the journey lilly and serevus have taken. Their love has endured all most the entire canon, up until snape's death, one might say. But when you look at it more carefully, you see that their love made a profound impact on harry's choices in the chapters after snape's death. I just really wanted to share my thoughts, thank you for giving me the oppertunity.

Hmmm. I think you have an interesting idea for a song here though this should maybe be moved to fan-fiction? I'm not sure. I'd have to get a second opinion on that.

Anyway, as for the lyrics, I think this needs a lot of work but it's certainly a good idea for a song. At the moment, you seem to have a list of events/ place/ people from Harry Potter and then a small verse on Snape and Lily at the end. It's too repetitive and plain. What you could have forever is just a few more in- depth stanzas. For example, your first stanzas could be something like -

Before Harry;
when Lilly still lived, still loved.
When she was still there
to worship from afar.
Before death.

Before James;
when there was still a chance
that love would find a way.
When he and she could meet
and he could dream.
Before Marriage.

Just a suggestion but do you see how that's more interesting and a more effective use of repetition? I suggest you work on this a bit, use more description and then feel free to pm me if you want some more suggestions or have questions about these. Good luck!

Heather xx

I think I'm going to move this over to fanfiction. Since it is fanficiton.

This is interesting. If you put just a bit more description (kind of like what kitty15 said) and used a bit less repetition, I think it would go a little more smoothly. But other than that, I enjoyed it! The actual concept of 'Always' and the relationship between Lilly and Severus is good. And that's all I have to say about that.

Perhaps it is a bit repetative, but you did get feeling across and you accomplished what you set out to do pretty well. Other than that, I agree with what everyone else has already said.

Just wanted to point out:

"Lily" is spelled with two "el's", not three. (I'm using "el" instead of "l" due to the confusion between "el's" and "eye's", if you get me.) Lily, not Lilly.

Really, I'm not a fan of Snily at all. But I respect the idea you have with this poem. I'm just not sure it works, and I think it's the lack of flow. It's all just a list of fragments.

Give it a bit more form (I really like kitty's idea), and I think this could be a powerful tribute.

I think that you put alot of thought and effort into this and that you have great talent. I enjoyed it but like others have said, the lyrics in my opinon could be improved a bit but like i said thats just my opinon. But yes there is a very deep meaning to the word always that ties them together. great work, keep writing!

I LOVE HARRY POTTER and you have a very interesting point here! Awesome!!!!

ok. What you need to do is ALOT.

Well, you need ACTION, talking, and description!

then, make a story out of this!

If you would give a bit of thought, then, and only then, you could do it.

But it was done VERY WELL. The best I've read ALL DAY.
MATT

Good job, I really liked this!

Before potions, professors,

This would sound much better as "Before potions and professors"

Before the beginning,

But till the end,

I really, really like that quote

Lilly Evans and Severus Snape,

“Always.”

This one too!

This might sound crazy, but I think that this would make a great poem!

One thing I get so mad about is that Lily is spelled with one L in this case (and in mine)!

I did like it... but it seems to be more of a poem than 'fiction' per se.

Oh well. It was cute.

I love Harry Potter and I am touch! I did not get untill the last part.(That was my favoriet part) and this story my friend diserveds a star and you are a new member! That is so brilant! Welcome to yws!

No.

I actually believe that the repitition really worked. The only thing that I would do is place everything in order. It will make sense. Think of it like this.

Future Present Past.

That's the way you read it. We go from the future, to the past, if we are saying, "Before." Understand?

Before the letter,

Before Hogwarts,

Before potions, professors,

Before Deatheaters and Mudbloods,

Before James, Sirus, Lupin, Peter,

Before the Shrieking Shack,

Before Quidditch matches and trophies,

Before Harry,

Before the prophecy,

Before Trelawney and Dumbledore,

Before the Hog’s Head Pub,

Before the betrayal,

Before the death,

Before the scar,

Before the disappearance,

Before Privet Drive and the Dursleys,

Before the cupboard,

Before Hagrid,

Before the letter,

Before the beginning,

But till the end,

Lilly Evans and Severus Snape,

“Always.”

I would go through these and mark them with a number. 1 through however many there are. List them in order. Then rearrange these in those orders. This is a really fantastic poem.

-Jared

Wow I really liked it, it wasn't what i was expecting, but It was cool

I think the end was really beautiful, and i agree with you, the word "always" makes me cry everytime i read HP good job

Terrific job with this piece!! I think all the little mistakes have been pointed out. I really like the repetition in this too. It works very well in sending your message across about these two characters. Also, I like how you made it seem like a timeline--how you went through all the events that lead up to the end.

I do think this seems more like a poem, but that is what makes it so unique. There are many fanfictions out there, but you brought something new to the table. Great piece! Btw I'm a HUGE Lily and Snape fan.