Fingers (flash fic)

I don't know why I decided to write about pickpocketing in the first person... just seemed original and I was badly aching to write something. Besides, sillyness is all very good, but I want some actual crits, which are rather impossible with the Cra-yon Lay-onds. So, here it is.

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I’m in a crowd, searching for a certain someone. I don’t know who this person is, but I trust my instincts to know him or her when I see the person. I push through a tight clump of chatting people, scanning the area. Then I see him.

He’s a thin young man, who doesn’t seem to be in much of a hurry. The key point is his right front pocket. It has a telltale bulge. Moving towards him casually, I flex my fingers and lick my lips. He’s in a tight clump, which is great. I’m dressed up, and wouldn’t have been spotted by Sherlock Holmes. I don’t “accidentally” bump into him yet, a mistake most would make.

I slowly press against him, and slide my ring finger into his pocket. His pants were thin cloth, which produced the loosest pockets. He hadn’t responded to the first finger, so I eased two more in, preparing to jostle out if needed, though I never have to. He's speeding up a bit, and it's getting difficult to follow him and appear to be minding my own business. I put my index finger in, and pulling the fabric out slightly, put my thumb in.

I grip onto the lump, a roll of banknotes, and then, finally, bump into him and quickly walk away, slipping the roll into my pocket and murmuring an apology, to him for bumping him, but for me an apology for the theft.

I’m home safe.

---

Crits pwease!

Hola, Aet

It's pretty good - nice and short lol. I like the subject matter and I think the first-person works well. A few things:

I’m in a crowd, searching for a certain someone. I don’t know who this person is, but I trust my instincts to know him or her when I see [s]the person.[/s] them. I push through a tight clump of chatting people, scanning the area. Then I see him.

He’s a thin young man, who doesn’t seem to be in much of a hurry. The key point is his right front pocket. It has a telltale bulge. Moving towards him casually, I flex my fingers and lick my lips. He’s in a tight clump, which is great. I’m dressed up, and wouldn’t have been spotted by Sherlock Holmes. I don’t “accidentally” bump into him yet, a common mistake.

This bit is a little awkward. Your first sentence seems strange - I think the comma is in the wrong place? I like the next few sentences, but you should replace "clump" with another word, since you've already used it before. Perhaps something more vivid - "he was surrounded by a throng of chattering youths" or something. That way, you could also work in the detail about the pick-pocket being "dressed up" so that it fits, because right now I'm wondering what that has to do with anything. I think the last sentence should start the new paragraph, and it might be better if you explain *why* it would be a mistake.

I slowly press against him, and slide my ring finger into his pocket. His pants were thin cloth, which produced the loosest pockets. He hadn’t responded to the first finger, so I eased two more in, preparing to jostle out if needed, though I never have to. He had sped up a bit, and it was getting difficult to follow him and appear to be minding my own business. I put my index finger in, and pulling the fabric out slightly, put my thumb in.

This is fairly detailed, which is cool, but it reads a bit jerkily. Perhaps you could smooth it out by changing your sentence-length a little more often.

I grip onto the lump, a roll of banknotes, and then, finally, bump into him and quickly walk away, slipping the roll into my pocket and murmuring an apology, to him for bumping him, but for me an apology for the theft.

I’m home safe.

Sweet A good ending - could have used a bit more punch perhaps, but I'm not sure what it would be better as, so it's up to you. I think it reads better with a dash here: "...and murumuring an apology - to him, for bumping into him, but for me an apology for the theft."

Overall, an interesting little piece of fiction

Cheers,
~bubbles

'Lo Aet. ^_^'

Brief critique--points on punctuation first, I suppose and the nearer to superficial bits...


Habitual Commas and Such


I might just leave this a title. ^_^ Simply, you've a comma habit and being extraneous or repetitious, the things don't do much for the flow or meaning.

I don’t know who this person is, but

...needed there, before 'but'?

He’s in a tight clump, which is great. I’m dressed up, and wouldn’t have been spotted by Sherlock Holmes. I don’t “accidentally” bump into him yet, a common mistake.

You tend, it seems, to toss them in before conjunctions. Though naturally, one might want an added pause now and then--but every time makes for a disjointed read. ^_^'

I grip onto the lump, a roll of banknotes, and then, finally, bump into him and quickly walk away, slipping the roll into my pocket and murmuring an apology, to him for bumping him, but for me an apology for the theft.

Oy, the above is clear and practical, active in its verbs and such--but crippled by commas. It's tripping on them, noticeably. Try it sans all commas but two (those following 'lump' and 'away'). Rather more smooth, yes?


Story Aspects; Story Credibility, Voice and All That...

Doubtless, any piece of writing that brings up questions--in the postive sense of wondering rather than simply dead-doubting distraction--is neatly-presented. ^_^ More often than not, I read pickpocket tales, both published and unpuplished, that make either the character a savant or his trade like magic.

You've refreshing straightforward simplicity--both in your approach and your prose.

A few points though seemed just slightly vague, rather than brief.

As an example, the first paragraph--

I’m in a crowd, searching for a certain someone. I don’t know who this person is, but I trust my instincts to know him or her when I see the person. I push through a tight clump of chatting people, scanning the area. Then I see him.

I rather like the first sentence. But when you get to instincts, knowing when you see them... I wonder, why? How? What do a pickpocket's instincts feel like? Is it simply the look of the person? Is it from practise, and the nearly imperceptible naivete in some passer-by's face?

No need for exhaustive detail or Dostoyevsky length paragraphs...as the best detail often comes in brevity. ^_^ Up to you naturally.

End Note on TENSES

Oy, a few times you skip from past to present and back to past.

I slowly press (PRESENT) against him, and slide (PRESENT_ my ring finger into his pocket. His pants were (now PAST?) thin cloth, which produced(PAST) the loosest pockets

Pick one or the other. Present may fit rather well, for the brevity of the piece and in the context of the first-person narration. ^_^





IMP

[ crit for the CCF ]

I'll edit in a bit, but first- argh! I was doing past at first, then changed to present! I was sure I had changed it all! Grrr...

Aet Lindling wrote:
I’m in a crowd, searching for a certain someone. I don’t know who this person is, but I trust my instincts to know him or her when I see them [s]person[/s]. I push through a tight clump of chatting people, scanning the area. Then I see him.

He’s a thin young man[s],[/s] who doesn’t seem to be in much of a hurry. The key point is his right front pocket. It has a telltale bulge. Moving towards him casually, I flex my fingers and lick my lips. He’s in a tight clump, which is great. I’m dressed up, and wouldn’t have been spotted by Sherlock Holmes. I don’t “accidentally” bump into him yet, a common mistake.That was a little unclear, I'm not sure if it was a general statement or if it is an actual mistake the character is making.

I slowly press against him[s],[/s] and slide my ring finger into his pocket. His pants [s]were[/s]are thin cloth, which produce[s]d[/s]s the loosest pockets. He [s]hadn’t[/s]hasn't responded to the first finger, so I ease[s]d[/s] two more in, preparing to jostle out if needed, though I never have to. He [s]had[/s] speeds up a bit.[s], and[/s] [s]i[/s]It is[s]was[/s] getting difficult to follow him and appear to be minding my own business. I put my index finger in, and pulling the fabric out slightly, put my thumb in.

I grip onto the lump, a roll of banknotes, and then, finally, bump into him and quickly walk away, slipping the roll into my pocket and murmuring an apology, to him for bumping him, but for me an apology for the theft.

I’m home safe.

I like the idea, but there is so much crammed into it i had a hard time understanding what was happening. You really used a lot of commas making it even more difficult to read.

You only missed a small chunk on the tense changing. Not terrible, I'll survive my stroke,(Jk)

Over all it has a very strong feeling of suspense. I think with a little more clarity and better comma usage it could be a nail biter.

Well, there wasn't much to crit to start with, and now there's even less.

I liked it, but felt there could be more to it. But no, flash fic, I guess, so, never mind. I liked the reference to Sherlock Holmes.

Hello,
I distinctively remember Cra-yon Lay-onds posted on YWS, but I never did get round to critting it : ) So I’ll do this, ok? (Yes, as if you can say: No, Esme, no!..) Well, whatever.


Quote:
He’s in a tight clump, which is great.
In the paragraph above you have ‘tight clump’, too. Which would be okay, but this is a really short piece of writing and it stands out.

Quote:
I grip onto the lump, a roll of banknotes, and then, finally, bump into him and quickly walk away, slipping the roll into my pocket and murmuring an apology, to him for bumping him, but for me an apology for the theft.
The two last sections, see below.


Lol, the think that I hate about flash fics is that they’re so short. ^_^ But nothing can be done about that, I suppose, so I’ll skip the rant of such-well-written-pieces-should-be-expanded-yes-they-should. Apart from those two tiny quotes, the second of which one of the above critters mentioned, too, and so I though I wouldn’t repeat him. Anyway. I don’t really have anything interesting to say. It was a short and entertaining piece of writing!


Keep up the good work,

Esme

Hmm... *contemplates what to say* First off, let me say this this really grabbed my attention. When I first started reading it, I was unsure of what it was about. But, now I think that I may understand.

On to the critique then, shall we?

I’m in a crowd, searching for a certain someone. I don’t know who this person is, but I trust my instincts to know him or her when I see the person. I push through a tight clump of chatting people, scanning the area. Then I see him.
Hmm... I would definitely change 'the person' to 'them'.

He’s a thin young man, who doesn’t seem to be in much of a hurry. The key point is his right front pocket. It has a telltale bulge. Moving towards him casually, I flex my fingers and lick my lips. He’s in a tight clump, which is great. I’m dressed up, and wouldn’t have been spotted by Sherlock Holmes. I don’t “accidentally” bump into him yet, a mistake most would make.
I love this whole paragraph. I especially like the sentence that I bolded.

I slowly press against him, and slide my ring finger into his pocket. His pants were thin cloth, which produced the loosest pockets. He hadn’t responded to the first finger, so I eased two more in, preparing to jostle out if needed, though I never have to. He's speeding up a bit, and it's getting difficult to follow him and appear to be minding my own business. I put my index finger in, and pulling the fabric out slightly, put my thumb in.
All of the words that I bolded are past-tense, if I'm not mistaken. I thought this was supposed to be present-tense...

I grip onto the lump, a roll of banknotes, and then, finally, bump into him and quickly walk away, slipping the roll into my pocket and murmuring an apology, to him for bumping him, but for me an apology for the theft.
I really, really like the last sentence. It seems so... mysterious. Ah, I don't know what word to use. But, anyway, I think you should leave the meaning of the last sentence how it is, but maybe try changing the wording around. It seems a bit... awkward.

I’m home safe.


Overall, great beginning. I think you should elaborate though. It's really awesome, but you left me hanging! Please continue this, and don't take my opinions and critiques too seriously.
~Monki

i liked it...it's a good story, but it seemed to be written in a hurry.

"I’m in a crowd, searching for a certain someone. I don’t know who this person is, but I trust my instincts to know him or her when I see the person. I push through a tight clump of chatting people, scanning the area. Then I see him. "

ok, the "clump" sounds wrong. try something else. other than that, this was good.

"He’s a thin young man, who doesn’t seem to be in much of a hurry. The key point is his right front pocket. It has a telltale bulge. Moving towards him casually, I flex my fingers and lick my lips. He’s in a tight clump, which is great. I’m dressed up, and wouldn’t have been spotted by Sherlock Holmes. I don’t “accidentally” bump into him yet, a mistake most would make. "

first sentence, great...second and third, great.

again, clump sounds kind of weird, and at least delete one of the "clumps". the last two sentences are also really good. this was my favorite paragraph.

"I slowly press against him, and slide my ring finger into his pocket. His pants were thin cloth, which produced the loosest pockets. He hadn’t responded to the first finger, so I eased two more in, preparing to jostle out if needed, though I never have to. He's speeding up a bit, and it's getting difficult to follow him and appear to be minding my own business. I put my index finger in, and pulling the fabric out slightly, put my thumb in. "

good. very detailed, but the sentences are too long.

"I grip onto the lump, a roll of banknotes, and then, finally, bump into him and quickly walk away, slipping the roll into my pocket and murmuring an apology, to him for bumping him, but for me an apology for the theft. "

very cool wording there.

one problem, change: "to him for bumping him" into "to the man for bumping into him". the two "him"s clash, and the "into" for better description.

"I’m home safe."

nice ending, however...how does he get home? add a paragraph in there that might say something along the lines of... "i stepped away from the crowd, walking lightly back to my house, knowing that i was *however much money he stole* richer".

also, here's a quick question: what time period is this set in?

oh, i just remembered the sherlock holmes part...so it's set in some period of time around our own, right??