WASHINGTON D.C. — After decades of incredible instability and unhappiness, George W. Bush finally came out of the closet and declared his true sexuality in a press conference Tuesday morning.
“I really am sorry Laura, but it’s the truth,” he announced in front of a thrilled yet shocked audience of at least one thousand spectators, reporters, and illegal immigrants. “I never told anyone, but my job is to tell ya’ll the truth, and here I am doing it.”
Bush, our current president, has been essentially known for his lust for oil and conservative stands, so it came as a real shocker to everyone currently living in the United States, from regular, day-to-day, hardworking citizens, to those nasty illegal immigrants, when Bush finally flooded us with his furtive thoughts.
When pestered by countless reporters, Laura Bush’s attorney, while on his way to work, announced, “My client is not at all sad. In fact she is very glad to be finally free of him. And any way, it’s none of your beeswax!”
This incident, or long-held secret, will cast a dark cloud over the President forevermore. The first president ever to choose banging Brad Pitt over Angelina Jolie, Bush does not feel privileged to be gay. In fact, he is quite frightened of what Dick Cheney will tell him when he returns to work on November 16th, the last scheduled day of his Washington D.C. vacation. However, he will pay one thousand Mexican pesos for any man, except illegal aliens, who would agree to visit him at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Friday at 9:00 p.m.
In his shocking announcement, Bush said that he has had over thirty-two sexual encounters with other men and boys over the span of his lifetime.
“It was normal in Texas,” he said. “I always saw two men holding hands when I walked to school. Not that big of a deal.” When asked to describe how those sexual activities felt, the President smiled. “Like a nucular explosion!”
