Autumn Breeze

The breeze is a soft whisper,
Amongst the clouds.
It reminds me of your voice;
My sweet lullaby,
When troubled sleep takes over.

Caress the bowing trees,
With Mother Nature's care.
As I reminisce of your soft fingertips,
Against bare skin,
Making me feel beautifully alive.

Create an uproar of colours,
Golden brown hurricane.
While I lose myself in your eyes,
Ocean blue,
Drawing me ever closer; to the sea.

Send ripples across the water,
Make lillies dance.
As I re-live the sparks and shivers,
Energetic bliss,
Taking me high up to the clouds;
To dance with the Autumn breeze.

I thought that was baeutiful! I love this part:
You say:

While I lose myself in your eyes,
Ocean blue,
Drawing me ever closer; to the sea.

I think that was so good there! I just love this!

Kepp up the good work,

-- M.B.Author

My biggest problem was the metaphor used. Breeze and wind is always described everywhere as speaking, or whispering, or singing, or caressing. But think: do you hear the breeze as whispering because that's what you've always heard, and that's what you know people say it should sound like? Or have you sat and listened to the wind and know what it really is?

Halfway through, I felt like there was a double meaning to everything: "while I lose myself in your eyes, ocean blue, drawing me ever close to the sea," that the breeze is a parallel for a lover, but then you end with dancing with the autumn breeze, and there's no more personification of the wind, so I was disappointed. The last two lines are lovely, lovely, but I wonder why the very last one is italicized? Though the second to last line might be interesting if expanded literally a teensy bit.

I'm a bit confused at the water part; I don't know where the water came from, other than the hurricane of leaves, but there wasn't a hurricane with water, so...

feel free to PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia

Hmmm. Your imagery is excellent, descriptions are perfect. I agree with Amelia though.

Gin,

I love the last line, and I can see you're trying to make it classically beautiful. The thing with nature--trust me I know, I've tried countless times and failed mostly every time--is that you really have to work carefully and extremely hard to make it un-cliched and unadulterated (that is to say, in a term, new.)

Yes, new. I can sense the vague feeling, but to make it more precise, try to make it fresher. Write something different out of your mind, something spontaneous. Instead of caressing, maybe it molests? Lol, well, you get my meaning.

Good luck and cheers!
-Evang.

How odd! My favorite stanzas were even. I think I liked them the best because of the bowing trees and the dancing lilies. I mean, the rest of the description was rather cliched, but I love the imagery of bowing trees (are they stooped over and old looking, or are they young and springing, bowed over with dignity?) and the dancing lilies (can't you just imagine lilies all over a murky pond, surrounded by bowing trees, their branches dipping in the water as ducks circle around the great ripples of the mute swan?)

So you see, that's why I like this poem. ^_^

Nature is so pretty... why must people always have to put a romantic interest in poems about nature, I wonder?

Oooh, i like this very much. I like the descriptiveness.

My favorite bit is:


"Create an uproar of colours,
Golden brown hurricane. "

I can't use the quotey box as i'm doing this on quick reply 'cos i'm lazy and i can't remeber the bits you are meant to put in front of the quote and at the end...anyways...


This poem creates a nice, jolly little image in my head. Great job, like.



x

This is a beautiful poem! I really like it!

I think that this paints the best picture of the tender care of the soft Autumn breeze. Very descriptive literal words.

Caress the bowing trees,
With Mother Nature's care.
As I reminisce of your soft fingertips,
Against bare skin,
Making me feel beautifully alive.

I also like the rythm and structure of it it has a special beat to it. Great Job!