The boy who never grew up

please give me any critisism you can think of I would really appreciate it thanks!!!

Jake was walking down the road, it was a dreary Novembers day and it was raining heavily. Jake was on his way home from school, glad it was Friday at last. He was even more glad since he had also finished his Christmas exams and the studying and pressure was at last, gone. But it also meant he had no excuse to just sit in his room all day and stay away from his family. Jake hated his father. His father was a chronic alcoholic and every day he came home drunk. The family were broke because of his constant drinking. But that wasn't all. He was a very violent drunk and Jake his two sisters, and there mother were beaten every day. There mother tried to protect them but she was just hit. Social services had made a few visits but the father was sober for once and as soon as they were gone he was drinking again.

Jake had arrived home and stood there for a few minutes trying to gather his thoughts. He could hear nothing which was he hoped a good sign. He crept in quietly and tried to tip toe up the stairs before any one saw him, but he was to late. “Boy come here!!!” He heard his father shout. Jake went in, reluctantly. “Yes Dad?” he said. “Were have you been!!!” Shouted his father. “At school.” exclaimed Jake. “Don't give me back chat!!” “But.. I didn't... what are you talking about?!?! “There it goes again, I'll teach you to talk to me like that!!” And before Jake had time to react his father had stood up and gave him an almighty punch across the face, and then sat down again and turned on the television as this was normal, but then again in this house it was.

A pool of blood was on the carpet as Jake lay on the ground trying to take in what had just happened. He stood slowly up and trudged into the bathroom. He took a good look at himself in the mirror. His nose wasn't broken it was just a scratch. He couldn't take this anymore and he thought back to the good old days when his father had been a good regular father. He had a job, he took Jake and his sisters to the park and played with them and loved them. Then it all changed when he was fired. He tried to get another job but was unsuccessful as he was dyslexic and couldn't read or write. He got so depressed he started to drink. He only drank a small bit at first but then it changed. He was drinking more, and he started to become violent. Jake wished and wished he could go back to when he was 9 and have a normal loving family. He sighed and knew that was never going to happen. He took one last look at his bruised and bloody face and turned and left.

Later that night as Jake was in bed he heard screaming coming from downstairs. He jumped out of bed and dashed down the stairs. He ran into the sitting room to find his sister little 5 year old sister Leona cowering on the floor. She was crying and screaming for her mother. Sure enough her mother ran in and suddenly stopped in her tracks because what she saw was something she had never expected. Her face went pale and she whispered “Please, no!”

The next day the police were in the house. The next door neighbor had called them last night when he heard gun shots in the house. The whole family had been found dead in the sitting room, even little 2 year old Sara. The police guessed that the father had shot the 3 children and his wife, and then realizing what he had done turned the gun on himself. The police knew the father was an alcoholic as he had been in several fights at bars. Many people said that if the police had have arrested him or social services had taken the children into care they might still be alive, and they were right but then they would also be alive if little Leona hadn't gotten up to get a drink.

THE END

I like the ending. I was kind of expecting the boy to run away or something so I was really surprised. But I didn't really understand what you mean when you said "if little Leona hadn't gotten up to get a drink". Was she sitting next to her father and then gotten up to get something to drink and annoyed him?
Something I think would improve the story is if you didn't give out the facts like that, simply stating them. You should let the character's actions and feelings speak for you, instead of just listing everything that happens.
But I think it was really good for your first story. Keep it up!
And I loved the title.

I liked this. I think the rest of he story is going to get really cool.

I agree with Dreamy Day, the ending was awesome! But some of the parts were kinda OK...not the best. But again this I think will have a great plot.

And I love the title! So cool!

-- M.B.Author

Wow! this was ok for a first story. Your plot is truly fascinating. But, you have numerous spelling and grammar mistakes throughout. If you edit your story thuroughly, then more people will want to read it and give you critiques. Here are the error I found:

Jake was walking down the road, it was a dreary Novembers day and it was raining heavily. Jake was on his way home from school, glad it was Friday at last.

I didn't really like these sentences. In the first one, you say "Jake was walking down the road, it was a dreary novembers day"...... I don't particularly like "it" and maybe you can describe something, like the grayness of the air, or the colored leaves on the trees. Also, "Novembers" should be : "November".

He was even more glad since he had also finished his Christmas exams and the studying and pressure was at last, gone. But it also meant he had no excuse to just sit in his room all day and stay away from his family.

In the first sentence, you say "he was even more glad." I don't like it. You also should say: " and the studying and pressure was gone at last."

Jake hated his father. His father was a chronic alcoholic and every day he came home drunk.

I don't think both sentences should have "His father" in them. Maybe change them into one sentence, something like:
"Jake felt a strong dislike for hisfather, who was a chronic alcoholic and was constantly coming home drunk." I dunno, I just think it sounds better that way.

He was a very violent drunk and Jake his two sisters, and there mother were beaten every day. There mother tried to protect them but she was just hit.

Try: "He was very violent when he was drunk, and jake, his two sisters, and their mother were beaten almost every day. Their mother tried to protect them, but he just hit her......"

Social services had made a few visits but the father was sober for once and as soon as they were gone he was drinking again.

Social Services had made a few visits, and the father always seemed to be sober when they came, though he would get drunk again as soon as they left."

He could hear nothing which was he hoped a good sign. He crept in quietly and tried to tip toe up the stairs before any one saw him, but he was to late.

"He could hear nothing, which he hoped was a good sign. He crept in quietly and tried to tip toe up the stairs without being heard, but he was too late."

He crept in quietly and tried to tip toe up the stairs before any one saw him, but he was to late. “Boy come here!!!” He heard his father shout. Jake went in, reluctantly. “Yes Dad?” he said. “Were have you been!!!” Shouted his father. “At school.” exclaimed Jake. “Don't give me back chat!!” “But.. I didn't... what are you talking about?!?! “There it goes again, I'll teach you to talk to me like that!!” And before Jake had time to react his father had stood up and gave him an almighty punch across the face, and then sat down again and turned on the television as this was normal, but then again in this house it was.

Hmmm, you need a seperate line for each section of dialogue. also in the last part, I suggest changing it to "and before Jake had time to react, his father had stood up and given him an almighty punch across the face. He then sat down again as though nothing unusual had happened. He turned on the tv again, ignoring Jake as he began to pick himself up gingerly....."

His nose wasn't broken it was just a scratch. He couldn't take this anymore and he thought back to the good old days when his father had been a good regular father

Try:
"His nose wasn't broken as far as he could tell, but there was blood coming from a scratch. His eyes smarted with the pain......"
I also find it kind of hard to beleive that a normal, loving father could become something like that just by losing his job. Maybe there was some inkling of his nature beforehand, or something more traumatic happened to him. Another thing is, I am assuming it would have taken a few years for such a dramatic change to happen. That said, when he was a "normal loving father" He would only have had one daughter, since "two year old sara" wouldn't have been born.

He ran into the sitting room to find his sister little 5 year old sister Leona cowering on the floor.

You are repeating yourself here. Try something like: "His little five year old sister Leona...." I also notice that you are using numbers for their ages, I found this a bit distracting, so you might want to change it.

In conclusion, I think this piece has some promise. Your plotline is very good, and your idea is excellent. I can't wait to see whether the story unfolds more! However, this whole thing does need more description, and whether you use my suggestions or not, it definitely needs some work, but nothing a good edit won't work for.

Thanks alot thats great advice il try to take it on board for my next story!!

You know, i think i liked the last line the most when it says " they would also be alive if little Leona hadn't gotten up to get a drink." I don't know if you need the 'little' in there, but i liked it anyway.

I think that because pieces like these are done pretty often, and pretty generically you need to add more personailty which is good with such a gloomy plot but i think you should try, you know, if that's your go.

I like the idea of this, really good for a first story. It would appear as though everyone has already said what I was going to. No point in bombarding you with the same advice, right? Anyway, keep it up!!!

xoxo 4eva,
crewgurl