She Doesn't Deserve This

Her family doesn't deserve her--
she's too kind-hearted.

Her friends don't deserve her--
they never cared.

Those boys do not deserve her--
they only want one thing.

She deserves much better than yelling,
screaming, lusting, uncaring.
She deserves a family, not selfish parents.
She deserves a life worth living:

Friends who care, boys who love,
a family with open minds and welcoming hearts
and small voices.

She deserves the care that was never given to her.
She deserves people who will chase her when she runs;
people who will take a bullet for her;
people who know the meaning of true love,

friendship, forever.

The life she lives does not deserve her.
No one does--

she's too kind-hearted.

I don't think this works. I mean, first of all, you're telling us this. And, from the description you give us, we're supposed to feel sorry for the girl. Unfortunately, there is nothing to really feel sorry about. Nobody understands her. Lovely. But there are so many other people in the world that are worse off than her, so why should we languish in her life when we could be languishing about some else's more horrible life?

No, don't tell us that she is too kind-hearted. SHOW us. If you want to have more of an emphasis on friends, you can have her do something special for a friend and then tell us her friend's reactions to that special something. Or, I think it would be neat if, instead of having a poem that said, "Oh, she's so nice, but nobody likes her!" I would rather have something where a girl takes in a sick raccoon (or something) and then her father, because he is so horrible, takes out his pistol and shoots the thing dead on the spot. And the girl is just looking at her father like he's crazy and the raccoon is lying dead on the floor.

Or, if you want to have more of an emphasis on friends, you can have her do something special for a friend and then tell us her friend's reactions to that special something.

Okay. Maybe that was too strong. But still! What you're giving us is bubblegum poetry, but you can do so much more than that! Show us why we should pity this girl and do it in a startling manner that jars us from what we knew and makes of aware of something that we don't know or something that we never wanted to know.

So yeah. Obviously I'm not too kind-hearted. But I really really liked the idea. I just think you can make it better.

*coughs* *echos what Snoink said*

I've seen this. More than once. In fact, this is a typical teen angst poem.

"She deserves a life worth living"

Really. Really?

I liked the concept.. I think. But to be truly honest your structure was poor and not really well thought out. Punctuation was confusing and for me, it didn't work in every way a poem should.

Maybe this is personal preference, but try not to be too unoriginal as it will get you nowhere. People are looking for new styles that work and so you should review your own piece of work and think;

Does this work?

Ilke the idea. But seriously, you make this girl seem like a saint thrown into a pit of demons. Is everyone in this girl's life evil to her, or is that just her prospective? Try to be more original. This poem is really flat feeling.

I agree with the others. (Basically, I bow down to Snoink.) Your poem came off just plain flat; I want to care, but I can't really find a reason to. It went in one ear and out the other, know what I mean?

SO! How can you improve this poem, and all your writing? Remember, everyone has potential!

Show v. Tell. Show more, rather than tell us everything. Snoink talked a bit about this. Showing is dreadfully important in all writing, especially poetry.

Cliche. Don't just use words and phrases you've heard a thousand times before, because that means your readers have also heard them a thousand times before. We as readers aren't reading your poetry to have overused expressions repeated to us. We're reading because we hope you have something new to say, so spend some quality time with your thoughts and your individual experiences.

Ambiguity. I'd also like to talk about ambiguity in writing. It's important to fully develop all aspects of your writing; in this case, you need to delve further into the personality described in this poem. "She's kind-hearted"...well, your readers aren't going to 1) believe you and 2) feel for her until you can develop her like a real person.
No real person can be completely contained by one all-consuming adjective, right? The same should be true for fictional characters, or real characters put into writing. People are complex; they are both inherently good and evil, they have an incredible depth of emotion...in short, ambiguity is everywhere. Your reader will not be able to connect to this poem until it incorporates that element.

Keep at it!
-Colleen