Elena Maionsa [Prologue]

I stood before the jury, awaiting the thud of the heavy wooden hammer to hit the table. If only it was that simple, these guys liked torture, although anything could be better than what they were going to say now.

"You are banished, until further notification."

Until further notification? Is that good or bad, I really don't know. I fought back a small smile of relief; they could've easily taken away my magic. But, now where am I going to go? I've lived here, in the Maionsa Covenant, for my whole life and I only really venture from the ground for work.

I work as a lawyer, in the city close to our home. Working on cases as boring as traffic offenses and court fines can become tedious, and it really is, but it keeps me away from the old hags for a while.

If only they were old hags, it would be much easier to dislike them. People take witches to be hideous and wart ridden, creeping out in the night to eat children and being burnt at the stake, but we are all quite young in the Coven, the oldest being 43. That's my mother, the coven leader and one of the 'elders'. That means that I'm supposed to take over from her when she's gone, but that'll never happen. In her own words, she said;

"You're a trouble causer. A mischievous soul that could never be responsible for such a precious few."

I'm used to receiving small and rather hurtful lectures from time to time, being the only one in the Coven who is interested in the art of 'forbidden' magic.

I blinked myself back to reality and scanned the flawless and only ever so slightly wrinkled faces of the four who sat before me. My mother, Anna; pale blue eyes, graying brown hair that brushed her shoulders and a small locket with a crow engraved upon it, dangling from her neck. My aunt, Clarice; grey almost silver eyes framed by thick rimmed glasses perched upon her nose, making her eyes look bigger than they were. She also wore the crow around her neck, like everyone in the Coven did. My uncle, Silo; dark brown eyes and thick black hair, ruffled in a messy mop on his head, the crow dangling beneath his shirt, which was always ironed and crisp. And lastly, my mother's best friend; Freda. She had pale pink eyes and a long mop of blonde hair, pale skin almost white as the black crow stood out on her chest like a piece of coal against the exotic sands of Hawaii.

"We've had enough of your childishness and risk taking. I won't have it anymore, so you can pack your things and leave."

My uncle talked as my mother just sat, staring at the table, her head bowed as she let out a soft sigh. I was distracted and my uncle swiftly muttered a few words, making my locket shatter and fall to the ground.

I gulped a little and walked out quickly, bumping into my brother on the way and nearly falling to the ground with an almighty thump.

"Hey sis... you okay?"

"Banished..."

I muttered under my breath and ran up the stairway, into my room where I grumbled angrily and dragged the large green suitcase, which was battered and bruised, from the top of my wardrobe. I hastily began stuffing clothes inside and when I was done, I ran down the stairs, nearly tumbling to the bottom as I hesitated at the main door.

Without a second glance, I was gone, running as fast as my feet could take my in the pouring rain. My luck was terrible, but I knew where I was going.

-- To be continued --

Oooh nice story seems to be developing here, interesting

I should like to see how this develops...

I blinked myself back to reality and scanned the flawless and only ever so slightly wrinkled faces of the four who sat before me. My mother, Anna; pale blue eyes, graying brown hair that brushed her shoulders and a small locket with a crow engraved upon it, dangling from her neck. My aunt, Clarice; grey almost silver eyes framed by thick rimmed glasses perched upon her nose, making her eyes look bigger than they were. She also wore the crow around her neck, like everyone in the Coven did. My uncle, Silo; dark brown eyes and thick black hair, ruffled in a messy mop on his head, the crow dangling beneath his shirt, which was always ironed and crisp. And lastly, my mother's best friend; Freda. She had pale pink eyes and a long mop of blonde hair, pale skin almost white as the black crow stood out on her chest like a piece of coal against the exotic sands of Hawaii.

In this bit i'm not too sure about the repetition, the way it describes all the family in one go. Personally, i'd do it bit by bit as the story went on. But still it's just an opinion nothing major.

I this bit in the second to last paragraph;

I hastily began stuffing clothes inside and when I was done, I ran down the stairs, nearly tumbling to the bottom as I hesitated at the main door.

as i could picture it well and i just likes it. lol

Anyhoo, Good Job i can't wait to here the next bit


x

Hey Liz!

Well, this has a really intriguing storyline and I will try to read more if you post. I did like it!

If only it was that simple, these guys liked torture, although anything could be better than what they were going to say now.

I get what you're saying but you need to make it clearer that she is being tortured by having to wait. Otherwise it seems like they are about to do something to her. And 'it' is not the best way to describe things. Try expanding on this sentence or it could even go altogether.

Is that good or bad, I really don't know.

Try not to ask a question and then answer it. Either leave it as:
Is that good or bad? or I didn't know if that was good or bad.

If only they were old hags, it would be much easier to dislike them.

Don't contradict yourself. First you say they are old hags- then you say if only they were old hags. Call them something else (like the elders..) and then say if only they were old hags.

In her own words, she said;

Maybe change to something like
As she has told me before This is just so that it reads better.

Overall, I like your character and the Coven you have created. However, your sentences need to be a bit more structured so that they don't run on for too long and have lots of commas. Also, avoid info dumping. When describing the four people break it up and into the whole piece of the text. You could describe one at the very beginning, the mother when she's avoiding looking up and the rest at other points.

Keep this up and pm me if you would like me to read more!!!

Alainna
xx

I stood before the jury, awaiting the thud of the heavy wooden hammer to hit the table.

The hammer is actually a gavel.

If only it was that simple, these guys liked torture, although anything could be better than what they were going to say now.

You might want to break this sentence up. It's a run on.

In her own words, she said;

"You're a trouble causer. A mischievous soul that could never be responsible for such a precious few."

don't break your dialogue tag and your dialog up by a paragraph. They all go in the same sentence, and the same paragraph. That semicolon after "said" should probably be a colon, but better yet, just make it a comma.

running as fast as my feet could take my

"my" is a typo and should be "me" but nonetheless, the line is cliché.

[the beginning] But, now where am I going to go?
[the ending] but I knew where I was going.

You might want to fix the inconsistency.

The biggest problem I caught was telling/info-dumping. You tell us about the coven, how it works, that this girl is a lawyer, what ever else, in the third-ish paragraph. Don't tell us! This is info dumping, and it stops the action and as a result, bores the reader. Because of this, they don't care at all and might stop reading. You also info-dumped physical appearance, which is a big no-no. Try to explain appearance during action, "She brushed her auburn hair off her face," is a lot better than, "She had auburn hair." So in that paragraph where you info dump the mother's and uncle appearance, cut it all out. Really, appearance isn't too, too important, so even if you told us one thing about them, that would be fine. I always liked to give appearance in a metaphor. I once described a character as always looking like he was mad at something. XD

Another issue is that you're kind of thrusting us into the story in a bland-ish sort of way, and then expecting us to continue. You really want to hook the reader, and make us go "oooh I really, really, really want to read more!" Of course, you do have the "I know where I was going," and so we want to know where, but you want to try and hook your reader within the first three paragraphs--the first one if you're really good. Your first chapter is very crucial because it sets up whether the reader will continue or not.

Those are just some of the big issues, nothing too deep from me. ^_^ Hope this helped!

Hi, I liked where you were going with the story, at first i was kind of confused. But as i read on understood alittle more. i personally like discriptions of what people look like, i picture them in my head as i am reading. being just angry doesnt give a mental image of the character.
the only sentence that took me out of the story was mentioning the color of the sand. I would leave out Hawaii, it had a tendancy to pull me back to the now. i love how you ended it, it made me want more. like i said before i am not a writer , just a reader, so i will not comment on grammar ect. just the honest truth of reading it. you are very good.

Ahh, I think I understand better now. This is really interesting. There was a bit of info drop in some places, and I also found your grammar to be a bit odd somehow But I was also intrigued, and I found myself drawn through till the end.

A review, as promised. By the way, it is page one and two in the first column, and three and four in the second.




Also (I think I left this out,) make sure you hook the reader at the BEGINNING, not just the end. Basically follow all the advice against me, except the one where someone told you to keep the descriptions. Most people make up what they look like in their head. We only need a basic outline, and not all in a row.

~JFW1415