God has made me weak: physically, mentally, spiritually... in all forms I can think of. But only crazy people go around asking the sky "Why God, why?" So I asked my friend.
"Why Alyssa, why?"
"Why what?"
"Why has God let me get this deep into trouble?" I asked. She knew exactly what I was talking about. The scars on my wrist burned into my flesh, criss-crossing patterns of pain. It's amazing how much harm a little safety pin can do to one person's life.
"Because God can't make your decisions for you," she replied.
"Then why did He make me so stupid and weak?" I was thinking about all those times I could have stopped. And didn't. I was thinking about how I lied to my friends; how I traced the pattern over and over again. Kids today have no idea how much time it takes for scratches to close up, do they?
"Because... because God needs something entertaining to watch from up in
the clouds."
Did she know how sick she sounded to me?
"Well," I told her, "then God is an asshole."
Now, before you get all Freaky Christian Warrior on me, in my defense, I was really angry. My mother, who was in a terrible mood after finding out my secret, was finding every excuse to yell at me. And besides, wouldn't you be angry at God when he was being portrayed to you as someone who made you stupid and weak-minded, just because he needed something entertaining to watch?
As I sit here, trying so sincerely to finish this piece, all hyped up on rebellion, thinking about God, I wonder why I can't finish this piece. It's probably a bad case of writer's block. But... somehow, in the heat of rebellion, I can't help but think that God is holding me back.
If you think about it, God, or the idea of God, has always held mankind back. Try as you might to believe otherwise, we're afraid of God. And why not? I mean, who in their right mind wouldn't be afraid of a huge, mysterious being with the power to make or break you, every second of your life? Who isn't a little overwhelmed by the fact that if you don't completely accept God and Jesus and this whole Christian religion, you will be damned to a horrible eternity of pain and suffering? Why wouldn't He, said to have endless love for all mankind, be a little more understanding?
Now, maybe it was just the way I was raised, to question society. To challenge these rules. Maybe it's just my age. They tell me it's normal to wonder about my religion at this age. What I'm wondering is what age has to do with this. Why is this the age of discovery? Maybe it's because it is after the age of stupidity and before the age at which adults seem to think they're too mature to think such thought provoking things. Or maybe they just think that if you don't question it, the problems just go away.
Problems don't just disappear, and with God as an issue, who's going to help us out?
