The Vampire Queen

“Nyl! Please let me train!”
“You should call me Father, and why do you need to train?”
“But you are not my Father, you are my step father.”
“That still does not answer my question!”
“Please! I have no reason, but give me a reason why not.”
“Hmmm. Fine, but in return you must start to behave, I have a fiancé who thinks you are an angel but has never met you.”
“Who?”
“You shall see soon enough, she moves in tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? So soon?”
“Enough talking, you can go start training, shoo!”


“Ampèreheure ! POUSSE ! POUSSE ! POUSSE ! Non, aucun non aucun non. Ce n'est pas la manière d'agir, essai juste encore et si vous échouez l'essai encore.” She shouted in French as she missed the punch bag. It meant “Ah! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! No, no no no no. This is not the way to act, just try again and if you fail just try again.” She was not supposed to train, she was a princess. She was Princess Alexzandreh. Her mother divorced and got remarried to Nyl and shortly after, died. Rumor was, she was poisoned by Nyl, but they never figured it out. She believes Nyl did it. Nyl did not love her, he thought if he married her he would become king, but the rules don’t work that way. But when he poisoned her he did not realize the princess would be in his care. He would not kill the princess, if he did, people would start to suspect him of the crime. She continued punching, kicking, and lifting weights. She ended up training until evening. Finally she went to bed.


“Good morning Nyl.”
“Good morning, have you met my wife?”
“No, not yet.”
“I will show her to you, follow me.” He walked off and she followed.
“What is her name?”
“Her name is Kempria, she is in this next room. You can go in alone, behave your best!” She walked into the room where a woman stood.
“Hello, you must be Kempria?”
“Yes, I am. And who are you?”
“I am Princess Alexzandreh, you can call me Alex.”
“Oh! I have heard much about you! Very glad to meet you Alex.” As Kempria shouted, Alex thought the woman looked familiar. Kempria’s top canine teeth looked more like fangs. She thought about who this woman could be, and then she knew exactly who she was!
“I have to go!”
“Not going to stay for tea?”
“I have to go.”
“Well, bye.”
“Bye.” She ran off to the library, grabbed a book, and started flipping through the pages. Finally she found a picture with text above it saying: The Vampire Queen.
“The Vampire Queen. My new step mother is The Vampire Queen?” She whispered to herself.

Dear oh dear. A princess? Training? My lord, what kind of a princess is she?

Erm... what is she training for, exactly?

WARNING I AM ABOUT TO SHRED YOUR STORY!

:evil laugh:

Nah, I'll try to be nice.

“Nyl! Please let me train!”
“You should call me Father, and why do you need to train?”
“But you are not my Father, you are my step father.”
“That still does not answer my question!”
“Please! I have no reason, but give me a reason why not.”
“Hmmm. Fine, but in return you must start to behave, I have a fiancé who thinks you are an angel but has never met you.”

He doesn't seem too determined for her to call him 'Father'.

Hold it. Nyl sure was making a lot of noise about her training, and then he just drops it like that? And then orders her to train? Inconsistent. There are several reasons for her not to train, if that's the reason for this.
NOT TO TRAIN:

She's a princess and must behave in an orderly manner.

Fighting is for her guard and drunks, not a princess, or lady of any kind.

She may run dry and be infertile (this at one point in time actually a common belief. That should a woman act like a man in any way, it may affect how fertile she is. So not riding side-saddle, running, playing with swords, etc. Being born in summer could make a woman less fertile as well.)

That last one, I THINK was in the time when things fell because they longed to be with the earth. That's just a random guess with no evidence to back it up made solely for how absurd the theory was.

Okay! Back to the piece!

About him telling her to call him her father. He only shouted it at her once, then didn't mention it again. If it's reason enough for him to shout, why isn't he going through with it and continuously ordering her to call him 'Father'?

Why would he tell his fiancé his step daughter is an angel? He clearly doesn't like her, so why would he say good things about her? From what you've posted, this isn't a guy who gets married for love, so what will his to-be wife give him?

“Ampèreheure ! POUSSE ! POUSSE ! POUSSE ! Non, aucun non aucun non. Ce n'est pas la manière d'agir, essai juste encore et si vous échouez l'essai encore.” She shouted in French as she missed the punch bag. It meant “Ah! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! No, no no no no. This is not the way to act, just try again and if you fail just try again.” She was not supposed to train, she was a princess. She was Princess Alexzandreh. Her mother divorced and got remarried to Nyl and shortly after, died. Rumor was, she was poisoned by Nyl, but they never figured it out. She believes Nyl did it. Nyl did not love her, he thought if he married her he would become king, but the rules don’t work that way. But when he poisoned her he did not realize the princess would be in his care. He would not kill the princess, if he did, people would start to suspect him of the crime. She continued punching, kicking, and lifting weights. She ended up training until evening. Finally she went to bed.

Whoa. Block o' text.

We'll start with the bold. I can't speak/read/write a single word in French. Thank god for translators.
But really. If you look at your story with fresh eyes, and with out the bold...

I skipped to the second line, but it was still French there. Maybe I give up to easy, but I skipped to the bottom of the paragraph to get back to English. Then I traced it backwards to the French and read what it all meant. I have one question for you:
Is there a reason for the French? If you're doing this story on a different world (which I assume you are, by your ending) why does she speak in French? Or maybe you are doing it on good old earth. That works too. What country/kingdom is Alex princess of?

I think you should break it up into smaller parts so that
a) people won't do what I did to get past the French
b) it'll look nicer.

It also kind of feels like an info dump. Is there reason for the reader to know all this right now? You're telling. Not showing. Perhaps you can have her talking with someone and the topic is very briefly brought up. Maybe you have her remember the day her mother died, or perhaps she still has nightmares.
The way you have it now, it starts out looking like her thoughts. But the way it goes on to talk about how Nyl didn't love her and all that stuff is an info dump. People don't think like that, or at least I don't.

I'll continue this later if I have time. Until then, see if you can touch it up a bit.

Hey! I'll come back to read more 'cause I have to do, but I do have one suggestion/comment about the French.

“Ampèreheure ! POUSSE ! POUSSE ! POUSSE ! Non, aucun non aucun non. Ce n'est pas la manière d'agir, essai juste encore et si vous échouez l'essai encore.” She shouted in French as she missed the punch bag. It meant “Ah! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! No, no no no no. This is not the way to act, just try again and if you fail just try again.”

First of all, there's a comma before the tag, not a period.

You don't have to write it out in all-out French. You can write the quote in English like this: "blah blah blah," she shouted in French. Or you can just not put a quote down at all and have type this: French words spilled out of her mouth as she let out all her frustration into the punch bag. This is really bad, but it gives the idea. Don't give a whole sentence/paragraph in French (:wink:) 'cause it will only confuse the reader and cause them to skip that whole section (like Dreamer).

He would not kill the princess, if he did, people would start to suspect him of the crime.

I'm trying to comment as much as I can before I have to go eat breakfast. Anyway, this should be two sentences. A period after "princess" will do the trick. It's a bit funky and confusing when it comes to these phrases like "if he did" but that's how they work. Watch your commas and periods. ^^

You can go in alone, behave your best

Two sentences or put, like, a semicolon or double hyphon (--) to show these two fragments have a relationship.

Very glad to meet you Alex

Comma before the "Alex."

Why would a princess train with weights? Maybe with a bow and arrow, I can certainly see that, or start swing a sword or stick against the tree, but not weights. Weights, I think, are considered a manly way of training back then.

How did the princess know she was the Vampire Queen? Maybe tell us how that rang a bell in her head. The reader certainly didn't know about a Vampire Queen except by the title.

Thirdly, and finally (my mom's calling me for breakfast! >_< ) more description with the dialogue. We have five senses: smell, touch, hear, sight, and taste. Use them all, and not just in the boring description paragraphs like the French one. Use them with the dialogue. Make the reader argue with her step-father, not just Alex. Have us feel it--

I gotta go.

Keep writing! You're doing great!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I'll come back to edit the rest, but...yeah. So far as I've read, it's pretty good. ^^

Well the two above me have given the various, in-depth suggestions so I'll just give some of my general thoughts to your piece, because it would be a waste of time to just type what the other two have done perfectly :

The dialogue at the beginning of the piece is too short, you don't break it up and try and show emotion, for example it could be something like:

“Nyl! Please let me train!” she begged
“You should call me Father," he replied, frowning, "and why do you need to train?”

thats a rubbish example, but you get the idea.

Also, as a french speaker, the block of text in french wasn't a problem for me to understand, but it just seemed to appear out of nowhere. Perhaps cut most of it and just begin in french :

"Non, aucun non aucun non! This is not the way to act, just try again and if you fail just try again.”

Also, just a side note: where is she royalty? France doesn't have a monarchy

And finally for the last two sections (the parts explaining that she thought he was a murderer and the final bit of dialogue) it just seems devoid of emotion. I'd pump some reality into it, describe her hatred for him, for this woman he has married in place of her mother - make us feel what she feels!


“Good morning Nyl.”
“Good morning, have you met my wife?”
“No, not yet.”
“I will show her to you, follow me.” He walked off and she followed.
“What is her name?”
“Her name is Kempria, she is in this next room. You can go in alone, behave your best!” She walked into the room where a woman stood.

It all seems far too robotic and
"would you like to do this"
"yes"
"oh okay, that is good"
"yes, I know it is"

It's just boring! and would you let the daughter of your dead ex-wife a)not come the wedding or meet her beforehand or b) go in to meet her on her own?
It's just not real for me.

So, in conclusion you need to:

Pump some emotion into your character's thoughts and dialogue.
Think about and work on the realism of what happens.

Well done,

Ducksworthy.

Okay so here's the deal. At the top of the page in the little blue bar, "The Vampire Queen" was the first thing I saw. I was like "Oo yay! Vampires!!" (I heart vampires, you see.)
The second thing I noticed was.... you're only TEN!! What I think is that this story is great... for a ten year old. But to expand on your, erm, greatness, try describing more things in better detail. Use imagery.

FireArris wrote:She was not supposed to train, she was a princess. She was Princess Alexzandreh. Her mother divorced and got remarried to Nyl and shortly after, died. Rumor was, she was poisoned by Nyl, but they never figured it out. She believes Nyl did it. Nyl did not love her, he thought if he married her he would become king, but the rules don’t work that way. But when he poisoned her he did not realize the princess would be in his care. He would not kill the princess, if he did, people would start to suspect him of the crime. She continued punching, kicking, and lifting weights. She ended up training until evening. Finally she went to bed.

:/ I didn't like this. Don't ask me why. But... I dunno. It seems like telling too much. Or something. Egh. Im a bad critic.
Anyways... try to use more details.

~Quipp~

Aren't you glad?

One thing I've noticed in your stories is that you switch tenses a lot.

Rumor was, she was poisoned by Nyl, but they never figured it out. She believes Nyl did it. Nyl did not love her, he thought...

Can I draw any more attention to the word 'believes'?

Tense: Past, Present, Future

Was is an example of past tense. Will is an example of future tense. Is is an example of present tense.

Joe will run. He will run at some point in the future.
Joe was running. He ran at some point in the past.
Joe is running. He's running at this moment, the present.
Joe ran.
Joe runs.
Joe will run.

Those examples were as bad as 'See Spot'. But they're examples of tense. People have pointed out tense changes to you before, but you continue to have them in your stories. I assume you take our advise (you do take our advise, right? ) and re-read your stories at least once before posting. with that, I can only assume you don't know what we're talking about when we say 'tense changes'.
If you still don't quite understand them, think about how you talk. You doesn't talked like your tenses will be all over the place, right?

Re-read that last sentence.

People will be looking at you with a confused look on their face, thinking, 'What?'

EXCEPTIONS
"No! I doesn't want to talk to you no more!"
want, wanted, wanting
don't, don't, doesn't
Why is this an exception? Your character is talking. More, your character is using bad grammar. Really bad grammar. Because they tend to use bad grammar, this works. When it comes to quotes/characters, grammar rules cease to exist. Same with spelling, if you're spelling it out phonically. (How it sounds: her= 'er, except = 'cept, etc.)

I would go on to description now, but the others have already mentioned it. So I will instead provide an example from before.

"This is a new creature!"
"How can you tell?"
"I memorized every creature on this planet from A-Z!" He said, proud of himself.
"You discovered it, what will you name it?"
"I will call it a ZipZip." He smiled as he said that. Faron just stared at him.
"ZipZip? Where did you hear that?"
"Nowhere, it was just the first thing that came in mind."
"Why not name it after some one like you, Kay, Jarith or maybe me?"
"I told you the name and that stands."
"Okay! But what are you going to name it?"
"Zipper."
"Okay."

...Notice anything? Your characters seem to be talking heads. Person X says something, then person Z says something, then person F says something, then Person X says something else... On and on. Quiry and Faron could be staring at the egg or at each other, unblinking or moving for all we know. There's no... action. So how do we fix this? Well...

"This is a new creature!" Quiry shouted, excited.
Faron turned from the egg to look at Quiry.
"How can you tell?"
"I memorized every creature on this planet from A-Z!" He said, proud of himself.
Faron nodded and turned back to the egg.
"You discovered it, what will you name it?"
"I will call it a ZipZip." He smiled as he said that. Faron just stared at him.
"ZipZip? Where did you hear that?"
"Nowhere, it was just the first thing that came in mind."
"Why not name it after some one like you, Kay, Jarith or maybe me?" Faron asked, hinting at the 'me'.
"I told you the name and that stands."
"Okay! But what are you going to name it?"
"Zipper."
Faron rolled her eyes.
"Okay." she breathed, exasperated.

Nothing sadder than quoting yourself.
*ahem*
Now then. Compare the original work to this:

“Nyl! Please let me train!”
“You should call me Father, and why do you need to train?”
“But you are not my Father, you are my step father.”
“That still does not answer my question!”
“Please! I have no reason, but give me a reason why not.”
“Hmmm. Fine, but in return you must start to behave, I have a fiancé who thinks you are an angel but has never met you.”
“Who?”
“You shall see soon enough, she moves in tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? So soon?”
“Enough talking, you can go start training, shoo!”

In that whole paragraph, there is not one word of description.

Describe what's happening while they talk. Ducksworthy already touched up on this, so I'll leave it at that. If you want more detail, please go back and view P.O.T.E. 2, where I got the example.

Compared to the things listed above, this is just a quirk:

“I have to go!”
“Not going to stay for tea?”
“I have to go.”
“Well, bye.”
“Bye.”

Royalty = stiff and formal. Even if they aren't in public, they still talk a certain way.

"Pardon, but I must away!"
"So soon? I've just sent away for the tea."
"Nay, I must away."
"Very well, then. I shall see you on the morrow."
"You shall!" she said, hastily bowing and leaving.

Yes, that example sucked, but look. Formal. Polite. Stiff. The reason they're talking like that (must away, nay, on the morrow, shall...) is because I did it how they would in medieval times. You know, sword, horse, knight in shining armor, no internet...
Doing such things such as starting a sentence with 'Not going to' is absurd!

I'll kill it here, seeing how you don't like critiques longer than your story. But please take notes:
Read work before posting.
Check for tense changes
Old time royalty do not use slang any more than the current queen of England raps and does break dancing. I mean, when she came here, we were forbidden to mock her accent, and we couldn't speak to her unless spoken to. I highly doubt she raps. If she does, you can put whatever you want, and I won't say a word.


Dreamer