Crescent Part Two

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I was sitting outside of the school, reading, when somebody sat down on the ground beside me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” I responded.

“Do I know you?” he said, not looking at me.

“No. I’m new here,” I responded staring into my book.

“What cha reading?”

“Pride and Prejudice.”

“Ah. Jane Austen fan, are we?”

“Yeah. You know about Jane Austen?” I said. A guy who knows about Jane Austen? I looked up. A very cute guy that knows about Jane Austen!

“Of course! Who doesn’t know about her?”

“I don’t know. It just seems like most guys wouldn’t know this stuff.” He has gorgeous eyes. Hell, he’s gorgeous! Wow. I’m, like, hypnotized here!

“Hmm,” he said. “Well, I guess I’m just not like those other dudes.”

“I guess so.”

“I’ll see you around,” he said, rising from his seat.

“See you,” I responded. I hope I see you again.

The bell rang and so began my first day at MHS.


I didn’t have much trouble finding my classes throughout the day, but I couldn’t seem to find the Spanish room. I finally gave up and decided to ask somebody.

“Hey,” I said to a brunette haired girl that was wearing a blue and gold MHS Crew shirt.

“Hi,” she responded. “Do I know you?”

“Um, probably not. I’m new here. My name’s Emma.”

“Well, welcome. I’m Cassy.”

“I was just wondering if you could tell me where the Spanish room is,” I said.

“Sure! I have that next, too! Let’s walk together,” she said.

“Cool.”

It turns out there wasn’t a Spanish room. There was, however, a Spanish class that was held in the health room.

My whole day went pretty well. Nobody made me stand at the front of the class or even acknowledged that I was a new student.

Finally, lunch time rolled around. I sat next to Cassy and looked around for the boy I’d met this morning. He was sitting two tables away and was talking to some kid I recognized from my history class.

“Who’s that?” I asked Cassy, nodding my head in his direction.

“Who? Him? In the concert tee? That’s Isaac,” Cassy replied, taking a huge gulp of her Yoo-Hoo. “He’s so totally hot, but don’t bother. He doesn’t date.” She took a bite of her cookie and said, “I don’t think he’s ever had a girlfriend. He always has offers, but turns them all down.”

“Really?” I said in disbelief. How is it possible for somebody so gorgeous to not have a girl?

“Hard to believe, I know. Maybe he’s gay.”

That last comment made milk come shooting out of my nose. Cassy bust out laughing as I desperately tried to mop up the chocolate milk that was all over the table.

Suddenly, his bronze eyes were on me. He smiled. I used my hair as a curtain so that Cassy couldn’t see me blush. It didn’t work.

“What? Why are you blushing?” she said. She turned her head in the direction I was looking. “Oh!”

I gave a shy nod.


I couldn’t get Isaac out of my mind all day. What is it about him that is so… attractive? Compelling? Fascinating? I just can’t stop thinking about him! It’s insane.

“Hey,” said a voice from behind me. I turned around. It was Isaac.

“Uh…”

“We met earlier. I’m Isaac,” he said. His voice was soft and made my head spin ferociously.

“I’m Emma,” I managed, trying not to look at those perfect bronze eyes. Jeeze, Emma! You’re not ten! You should know how to talk to a guy. The bell rang. Shit! I’m so going to be late for English! What great first impressions I give!

“I’ve got English next, too,” he said suddenly.

“Um…” How did he know that? I couldn’t stop myself; my eyes shot up and looked straight into his. Oh. My. God. What the hell is my problem?

“You were walking towards that class. I just assumed that’s where you were going,” he explained. The dim fluorescent bulbs etched shadows across is flawless features.“I was just wondering if you wanted to walk with me.”

“Absolutely!”

“Cool.” He showed off that grin of his.

“So,” I said, “you like Jane Austen?”

“Yeah. I always have been a sucker for the classics.”

“Me too.” He was looking at his feet. Or is he looking at mine? I snuck a peak at my toes to make sure there wasn’t something gross on them. Nope. Just a fresh coat of red polish.

“So…you’re new here.”

“Yup.” Could you sound any more immature? I mean he’s just a guy.

“Well, here we are,” he said, holding the door open for me and smiling.

“Wow.” Dude! I thought that only happened in books and stuff.

“What? What’d I do?” That beautiful smile slid right off his face.

“Nothing, I just…”

“Oh. The door,” he said. “I guess that is a bit out dated.” He was frowning and furrowing his brow.

“No! No! It’s okay. I just wasn’t expecting that. That’s all.”

He smiled and looked at me with those gorgeous bronze eyes. We walked into the class room. The class had already started.

“Ah,” said a grey-haired, elf-like woman at the front of the room. She was wearing brown slacks and a flowery blouse. “How lovely of you to join us Isaac and… who are you?”

“Me?”

“Yes, you!”

“I’m Emma Tier.”

“Well, Miss. Tier, I suggest you take a seat. And be sure you’re not late again.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I followed Isaac to two empty desks by the window. When the teacher turned around, I scribbled a note onto a piece of paper and tossed it to him.

Who’s she?

He replied, in perfect cursive no less:

Mrs. Maybell. Don’t worry, she doesn’t bite… much

I scrawled back:

Much? What do you mean by ‘Much’?

Kidding! Just kidding. She’s really a great teacher.

So… I saw you at lunch.

Yeah. I saw you, too.

With milk coming out of my nose!



“What’s this?” said Mrs. Maybell. “Isaac, I would’ve thought you’d know better that to pass notes in my class.”

“Sorry, Mrs. Maybell. I was just giving my friend Emma directions to her next class,” he replied.

I nodded. Smooth.

“Well, next time, I suggest you wait until after class.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“And as for you Ms. Tier, we do not pass notes during class. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good.”


The rest of my day went without incident. When I got home, Kari wasn’t there, so I decided to go to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for dinner.

Food Lion was packed. Only in a small town would Food Lion be a hot commodity, I thought as I pulled into the parking lot.

I was on my way back when I saw him. Isaac was walking on the side of the road. He smiled when he saw my car.

“Can you give a guy a ride?” he said when I stopped.

“That depends,” I said. “Where are you going?”

“Just down to Bohannon.”

“Um…” I have no clue where that is!

“Don’t worry,” he said, getting in on the passenger’s side, “I give great directions.”

I bit my lip. Damn he’s hot!

“It’s okay,” he said, “I don’t bite either.”

Aw, what the hell!

“What brings you to Mathews?” He asked.

“Um, my parents.” If I told him the truth whole, he’d think I was an escaped mental patient or something!

“Can I ask you another question? Please answer honestly. I won’t think you’re insane or anything.”

“Sure.”

He gently rubbed the scar on my neck. Oh no! I could feel my pulse quicken. I wasn't sure if it was because he was touching me, or because I knew what he was going to ask. Please don’t ask about that. “Now, how did you get this?” he asked.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” I responded.

“Try me,” he said with a smile.

“Well,” I began, “it happened along time ago.”

He looked at me with pure interest and curiosity. “Go on.”

“I was about three.” My voice broke. “I-I-I’m sorry, it’s just…” I could feel tears swell up in my eyes.
“They died, didn’t they?” he said.

“Y-y-yes.” The first tear fell. It was followed by another, and another, and another. Soon, I was crying my eyes out. I can’t believe I’m crying in front of him. I tried as hard as I could to stay on the road. This is so embarrassing.

Once I began to calm down, Isaac said, “If you don’t mind me asking, how did it happen? I don’t mean to make you cry again, I was just wondering.”

“I’ll tell you,” I said. He just looked at me with patience in his eyes. “T-t-they were killed b-b-by a v-v-vampire,” I said, praying not to cry again. “I got the scar when I was bitten.”

Isaac was silent.

“I was saved by a neighbor who knew some vampire hunters. They extracted the venom before it could spread. I know it’s crazy, but it’s the truth.”

“I believe you, Emma,” he said, looking down at the black floor of the car.

“You do?” I said. He does?

“Yeah.”

“I’ve never told anybody, because I thought everybody would think I was a loon,” I admitted, whipping a few stray tears from my cheek.

“You’re not a vampire, are you?” he asked abruptly, ignoring my last statement. “I mean, you were bitten, wouldn’t that make you a vampire?”

“No, I’m not a vampire. They extracted the venom.”

“Hm. Take a right,” he said.

The rest of the ride was silent except for Isaac giving me directions every now and again.


That was the newly revised second part of Crescent. Bring on the critics!!!!

kiding! Luv ya! :smt043
Last edited by crewgurl93 on Wed Aug 29, 2007 12:09 am, edited 2 times in total.
Goth-Hippie?!




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Ooooh! I liked this! Great job, once again. I think there were just a couple of little typos and stuff, but nothing you couldn't catch yourself.

When they're passing notes in the classroom, you might want to make the notes themselves in italics or quotation marks or something to distinguish them from the actual text.

I like it when Isaac was anticipating her thoughts and stuff. That was funny.

Your dialogue was very good, realistic, and your narrative flowed pretty well. Great story! Can't wait for Crescent 3. (I'm a sucker for awesome romance)

~MadameKool 8)
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... I have only one real comment on this, Crewgurl, and I think it's something you might want to look at as far as characterization goes. If Emma is driving - has her own car, no less - then she's older than sixteen, yes? Very possibly and probably seventeen, if she's managed her own vehichle. Yet the picture you paint of her here (not to mention the picture you paint of her acquaintances, Cassy and Isaac) comes of as rather too ... immature. Not that that's a bad thing in the slightest, but I truly can't see your protagonist here as a girl sixteen to seventeen years old. I think your age tends to show through in the narraration, which again is not a detriment, but perhaps you might shoot for a slightly younger protagonist? There are worlds of difference, after all, between being fourteen and being sixteen. And I don't know that I can honestly see Emma as past driving age.

Er, make that two comments, or thoughts, anyway. As far as style goes, you might want to try filling it in a bit. As it is, the piece is a bit sparse : very short paragraphs and a multitude of dialogue. Perhaps you might add a bit more on physical descriptions (both people and places)? Even an internal monologue would work nicely at some point, something a bit longer than ' I’m so going to be late for Geometry, but I don’t care. I’m talking to a totally hot guy! '

Three thoughts? Last one, I promise. This line

The way he looked at me, I can’t stop thinking about it. It was like he was trying to look into my soul or something.


felt vastly out of its depth. This is a teenage romance, taking place in an average little high school. Your characters are going to have teenage thoughts and teenage crushes and for the most part they seem to - I don't know that they're going to be thinking to themselves "he was trying to look into my soul". I don't know that it's quite like the MC you've portrayed here.

In any event, I wish you the best of luck on this, and it was a nice read, very well-paced. ^_^



Dreamy.




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Thanks for your critisism.
Goth-Hippie?!




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I have only one real comment on this, Crewgurl, and I think it's something you might want to look at as far as characterization goes. If Emma is driving - has her own car, no less - then she's older than sixteen, yes? Very possibly and probably seventeen, if she's managed her own vehichle. Yet the picture you paint of her here (not to mention the picture you paint of her acquaintances, Cassy and Isaac) comes of as rather too ... immature. Not that that's a bad thing in the slightest, but I truly can't see your protagonist here as a girl sixteen to seventeen years old. I think your age tends to show through in the narraration, which again is not a detriment, but perhaps you might shoot for a slightly younger protagonist? There are worlds of difference, after all, between being fourteen and being sixteen. And I don't know that I can honestly see Emma as past driving age.


You're absolutely right about this. My Creative writing teacher would say the same thing. I just thought that making her seventeen would make it easier to explain certian points. I really shouldn't have done that. I'll make note of it for part three...

THANKS!
Crewgurl
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You're very welcome, Crewgurl - I look forward to seeing more of your work, of course.

crewgurl93 wrote:You're absolutely right about this. My Creative writing teacher would say the same thing. I just thought that making her seventeen would make it easier to explain certian points. I really shouldn't have done that. I'll make note of it for part three...


I don't know that you're necessarily going to have to write Emma as a younger character... technically, you could still have her be sixteen or seventeen, whichever. Just bear in mind that if you do so, you're going to have to put a good deal of extra thought, work and care into making her sound her age. Though the writing will likely be much easier for you if you were to revise her to a younger age, do what feels right to you; don't take any of what I ramble on about here as holy writ. ^_~

Anyway, good job on this and I'll be looking for Part III.




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I thought this was really good. The first cresent was a little information droppy, but this one was much better. the dialogue sounds great and the story flows nicely.
PM me when part three comes!!!!!!!!!!!




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one question. What genre would you put this under?
:smt044




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NEW EDITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Goth-Hippie?!



Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton