Listen to the Rain

This is the third version.

Listen to the Rain

Now gone are days of drought and heat.
Hear droplets on my roof,
which started in the dark to beat;
the misting trees are proof.

Will it be raining long today,
with clouds that veil the sun?
I’ve woken to a morning gray.
The day has not begun.

The light floats in on pale, cool air
to softly kiss my cheek.
And only with the rain I'll share
the peace that I did seek.

Tis soft, this bed in which I lie,
so deep I feel I'll drown.
Within the warmth, I close my eyes
as sleep comes rushing down.

My first impression of this is that I like it but it should be more regular. You started off really well with some strong, regular rhymes and an almost regular rhythm but that seemed to fade as you reached the end. One reason I think a regular structure would be good here is that the rain, the subject of your poem, has a regular sound/beat. In fact you've even picked up on that - 'pitter patter, pitter patter' - so why not reflect it with your poem. Here's my suggestions for changes to rhyme and rhythm as well as a few general comments -

Listen to the Rain

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

After days of drought and heat,
there're [Why shorten it? It looks more professional as 'there are' and it fits the rhythm of your first line.] droplets on my roof.
They started in the dark to beat.
The washed land is the proof. [These lines are both out of rhythm and this causes them to sound forced which they probably are a touch looking at the words you had to rhyme with but the point is it shows. I suggest you go for an ABAB rhythm (pitter patter, pitter patter) and add a syllable to that first line and one to the fourth. Something like -

After long days of drought and heat,
there are droplets on my roof.
They started in the dark to beat;
left this wet, washed land as proof. [Actually 'washed land' isn't a great description so perhaps have a nice piece of imagery here instead.]

It will be raining long today,
The song is soft and calm. [Perhaps 'soft and soothing' rather than 'soft and calm' because it has alliteration, the right rhythm and dawn didn't rhyme with calm anyway.]
I’ve wakened to a morning gray.
A bird is singing for the dawn. [This line could be changed to something like 'reluctant to be moving' in which case you'd need a comma at the end of the previous line but I think it fits in better with the rest of your poem.]

The light floats in on pale, cool air
to softly kiss my cheek.
And only with the rain I'll share
the peace that I did seek. [I like this stanza a lot.]

Tis soft, this bed in which I lie,
so snuggle deeper now.
When comfy, I will close my eyes
and listen to the sound. [I think that you need the second and fourth line to have at least a half rhyme but the last line is really nice so perhaps change the second to 'so snuggle deeper down' or 'so snuggle in a mound' or 'so snuggle deeper round']

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

_________________________
In general, it's a really nice poem. Your imagery is pleasant and it's easy to relate to. Who hasn't stayed in bed on a dull, rainy morning and listened to the rain outside? Your grammar is good, I like the 'pitter patter, pitter patter' and how you've placed it in italics and basically good work and I like it even if you leave the rhyme and rhythm irregular.

Yeah, definitely keep it "there are" instead of that made up rhyme you have.

I don't really like the beginning and ending lines, the pitter-patter ones. The beginning one, I could tolerate, but the ending one, you end on such a gentle note, that it seems silly that you keep the last line. So delete that.

Otherwise, it is pretty verse.

It's good. But I want more imagery. >_> Maybe I just can't see/feel the imagery you're already giving us. Rain is used a lot in fiction (to the point of cliché) to represent emotions, usually sadness. I can only assume you were doing that here, too? If you were, bring it out a little bit, because I'm not entirely sure if you are or not.

I agree with the others; pitter-patter ought to go at both ends, and "there're" is such a bizarre contraction, so leave it at "there are."

The poem is pleasant and I come away with a nice feeling; your imagery and diction help to give your reader that.

Rhyme and rhythm. Some of these rhymes feel forced...keep working on that. The only way you get better is by practice, of course.

After days of drought and heat,
there're droplets on my roof.
They started in the dark to beat.
The washed land is the proof.

The rhythm of the last line is way off. Remember that it's not just the number of syllables, it's the placement of accented syllables that counts. The rest of the lines seem to be fairly iambic, while this isn't. In the phrase "washed land," the word "land" is stressed, while "washed" is not. You want it the other way around.

It will be raining long today,
The song is soft and calm.
I’ve wakened to a morning gray.
A bird is singing for the dawn.

Why not "woken" instead of "wakened"? This has nothing to do with rhythm, it's just that wakened sounds funny.

The light floats in on pale, cool air
to softly kiss my cheek.
And only with the rain I'll share
the peace that I did seek.

Often people add in "did" for the purpose of rhythm...the rhythm is fine, but it's sort of coming off like forced rhyme does, like it's obvious that you had to engineer it that way.

[quote]Tis soft, this bed in which I lie,
so snuggle deeper now.
When comfy, I will close my eyes
and listen to the sound. [quote]The rhythm here is great, and much more natural, but I question the use of the word "comfy"...it sounds out of place, being, after all, not really a word but just a short form of "comfortable". As comfortable clearly won't fit, I think you ought to find another, more appropriate word.

Keep at it!
-Colleen

Rain is an over used topic but you made this unique. I love it and the imagery is very good.
But change this bit:
there're droplets on my roof.

To

there are droplets on my roof.

Otherwise it was cute!
Charlotte

Hey alleycat. Here's the critique you earned from the contest. ^_^

Firstly, I would do away with the pitter-patter unless you could find some way to fit it into your verse. At the moment, it's sort of this enigma outside the poem that makes you stop and wonder if it has the same sound as the rest of your poem. It doesn't by the way. Your poem is based on a combination of iambic tetrameter and trimeter, while the pitter patter is trochaic. x_x

You'll want to know what these terms mean since you've written a verse poem, so if you aren't sure, be sure to look them up!

After days of drought and heat,
hear droplets on my roof.
They started in the dark to beat.
The glist'ning leaves are proof.

The word 'after' is somewhat awkward here as your first syllable is stressed. That's not completely 'verboten' but since none of your other lines start this way, it makes the reader pause.

"The glist'ning leaves are proof" -- While it rhymes, it's not something you'd normally hear. A bit unusual phrasing.

It will be raining long today,
with clouds that veil the sun.
I’ve woken to a morning gray.
The day has not begun.

The first time I read the first line, I wanted to put a stress on the word it, and that threw off the rhythm. Perhaps you could put the word 'will' in italics and that would lessen the confusion. However, you'll be stuck with readers wondering why that word is so special. Maybe you should think of another way to say the first line.

The light floats in on pale, cool air
to softly kiss my cheek.
And only with the rain I'll share
the peace that I did seek.

I really liked this stanza. ^_^ You have some nice imagery and depth even with some abstract nouns. I think it has to do with the strong verbs.

Tis soft, this bed in which I lie,
so snuggle deeper down
When ready, I will close my eyes
and listen to the sound.

The ending here is not spectacular. I think the idea behind it should stay, but it needs to be presented better. For example, the second line is out of style with the rest of the poem. I think the word 'snuggle' is the culprit. Also, listen to the sound is rather dull. If you were to find a stronger noun to represent the rain falling, and then find its counterpart rhyme in the second line, I think it would improve this greatly.

As for content, there is a certain amount of dried-up feel to this. A lot of the material has been said, and so your images aren't going to wow us. However, with the verse and rhyme, you can get away with that a little more, I think. Combine the verse with strong images and you'll have an amazing poem.

hi i well liked the second version better just seemed to bring more images with it and drew me deep into the text so well done it was cool. bye!!!!!!!!

Okay, after more reviews, I've edited it again. I think it's much better, but, uh, give me some feedback.

I'd be happy to give you some feedback. I enjoyed this poem. I'm not such a stickler for the mechanics, though I do have some suggestions there, but I fell in love with the content. How many times has any of us found ourselves staring out those streaming windows, looking at the haunting rain? I wish I could have read the other versions (do you have links to them?) to see how this has progressed. Okay, here we go.

You have some capitalization problems. You should probably have every line capitalized, but that's just me. In the second stanza, third line, I think that perhaps that period would be better suited to be a semi-colon; it'd flow better visually and also have a sense of symmetry.
I think that maybe you could change the the heat in the second line, first stanza, to 'with' and it'd make a little more sense. by having the 'hear' it indirectly becomes second person perpective in a clearly first person to a second person. It also would help the flow and not disrupt the rhyme scheme you have going.
Put an apostrophe in front of the 'tis' in the last stanza because it's an old english contraction.
Other than that, the rest of the stuff you can figure out or look up. Just read it aloud to yourself and ask if the punctuation really fits. Don't be afraid to go for flow over numerical rhyme sometimes. That's just me, though. Some of these guys might eat you alive if it's not perfect. Then again, wouldn't you want a poem that sticks rather than one that fits?

wow. that's good. i like how it flows.

...although...the line, "which started in the dark to beat" kind of of confuses me. but jsut a little.

i like the line "The light floats in on pale, cool air/to softly kiss my cheek." it's good imagery/personification. i can actually feel the light right now form your desciption. ^_^

overall, i'd have to say i really like it.

Honestly, my favorite part is the last half. The first two stanzas were all right, but the last two just really hit something. The first two don't seem to be as deep, or gripping, or touching, or whatever word you wish to use there. I would work on making those deeper.

MERRY WRITING!
~Bella~

alleycat13,


As an exercise in rhyming, this was a decent attempt. There weren't any new rhymes I found particularly engaging or exciting, but nothing dismally worrisome, either.

As for an overall poem, I think this has significant--irreparable--errors in terms of originality and style. I think I've seen probably fifty poems approach the same ideas in exactly the same way.

Throw this out and figure out what it is you have to say.


Best,
Brad

I hate to sound like a forum here, but I think that a recent post was rather harsh and superscilious. This piece was great and very eloquent. Obviously, there is one whom does not agree, but I think that you should be proud of what you have written. You've done much work on this piece, and I enjoyed it, and from the looks of it, many others have too.

i really like the third and fourth paragraph, although the first two were pretty good. but the emotion you put out in the last two was awesome. i wouldnt worry, you are doing great, it looks like alot agree with me.
keep going.
kim