The Other Side Of Me

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Prologue



The air around the apartment was cold and had a freezing cold chill, the kind that bit your skin. It felt like winter time in Alaska, even though it was early fall in Chicago. In the sub-zero apartment lay a womanly seventeen year old girl with espresso brown hair lay snoozing on her bare mattress. Her breaths were long and deep, and were even with each rise and fall of her chest. She appeared to have a serene expression splashed across her face when really she was having nightmares, from the ghosts of her past. Her skin was as pale as day, and had a bluish tinge to it because the only thing that covered her slim frame was her moth-eaten blankets. The apartment was simply as cold and bare as it looked, for it had no heat, Isabella could not afford it.
It was early a few minutes before 6:00am, her school started at 8:30am and she lived only 10 minutes away from it. But, she had never gotten to sleep in because of her neighbors daily morning arguments. In just a few moments Isabella would be awake, away from her nightmares, but thrown into her harsh reality.


Chapter One- A World I Don’t Belong In

September 1st, 2006
5:58am

“WALTER WHERE YOU LAST NIGHT?” the woman screeched, her tone laced with fresh poisonous venom.
“Oh baby I-I was with C-Clay last night” the man fearfully stated. Two things were already dreadfully obvious, one-the man was lying and two- he was deathly afraid of her.
“REALLY THEN MIND EXPLAINING TO ME WHY YOU SMELL LIKE CHEAP PERFUME?” the woman seethed. Isabella groaned. The fury was evident in her tone. She sounded like a dying banshee. Isabella was now fully awake and listened intently to her neighbor’s daily ‘sweet talk.’
“Oh-um babe…you know I l-love you right?” The man obviously had a death wish. It was D-day for him Isabella thought. She laughed half heartily, if her neighbor’s had their own television show she would watch it everyday, not that she had a TV, but wishful thinking was always good.
“GET OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” the banshee wailed out.
“Babe come-on be reasonable” Isabella could almost picture the man holding up his hands in surrender. The woman did not respond. For a few seconds it was deathly silent, like it should be at 6:00am in the morning. Then there was a loud shattering with the following woman screaming phrases of ‘get out’ and ‘never come back’, but it was very faint for the shattering glass overpowered her voice. Isabella sighed and tugged her scruffy blanket off of her, and sat up on her naked mattress. Her apartment didn’t really have any furniture. She didn’t even have bed furniture, just a mattress that sat on the floor. She rubbed her eyes tiredly and tread ed over to the bathroom. She ignored all the creaks and squeaks of her rickety wooden floor as she walked, she was used to it. Her bathroom to put it lightly was absolutely disgusting. The ‘extravagant’ bathroom was very small and could only hold about four people at most. The walls had silver-ish wallpaper, that was half on and half off the wall. It had a white broken tiled floor; mirrors that were so cracked that she could barely see her reflection and a dusty old vanity that looked liked it would collapse at any moment. The sink was always dripping and when she turned it on barely any water came out all, so she had kept a cup with water so she could brush her teeth. The lights were faulty and always twitched whenever they turned on. Her toilet seat had a yellowish-used tint to it and the septic system always seemed to back track the water and overflow the toilet. The tub had no shower curtain and the water was always freezing cold. The pipes always froze in the winter making it hard to shower. It was truly a nightmare; Isabella knew that not even the dirtiest of the dirty people would ever use her bathroom. If she had her way she would have never even stepped foot into her bathroom, or lived in such apartment for that matter. But alas, she was here now-and for a while. She picked up her green toothbrush applied some toothpaste and brushed her teeth. She maneuvered carefully around her teeth making sure not to miss any spots. Isabella hated people with yellow teeth, and she definitely didn’t want to be one of them. She took the cup and sipped the water in her mouth, lolling it around in her mouth for a while-like mouthwash and spit it out then cleared out the sink for any toothpaste still in it. Then she hopped into shower and hastily washed away her filth of being in the bathroom.


September 1st, 2006
7:00 am

Isabella was out of the shower and in her uniform by 7:00am, she was ready one hour earlier than she should have been. The school she went to was called Brook field Private High school, it was an exclusive school that was damn near impossible to get into if you weren’t rich. The students had to pay yearly tuition, but Isabella didn’t have to pay anything, she had gotten a full ride scholarship.
Among her elders-adults- she was known as a prodigy, a genius even, but among her peers she was known as the resident poor girl whose mother was in the loony bin. She had a title in the school, she was known as the school “freak.” Of Brookfield Private High school.
Isabella plopped down on her tore orange couch and sighed. It had or appeared to be several large coffee stains on the couch. Or she hoped it god that it was coffee. She closed her eyes and tried to relieve some of her stress. Soon she became lost in the own thoughts, her own world. Fifty five minutes had passed since then. She drearily opened her own eyes and glared at the clock. It read 7:55am. She had to leave her apartment and leave for school in five minutes. She hated her school well to be more specific the people in it. It was like an indescribable hell. She felt like she fell into an endless black hole, with no-one to save her. She wanted to run away, she wanted to die but most of all she wanted someone to care. “Everyone leaves me’ she thought bitterly. She frighteningly peered at the clock again and it read 7:59 am. She groaned but picked up her backpack and her keys and hesitantly left her apartment.
Her walk to school so far was a pleasant one. ‘It’s probably just a cover for how degrading my day is going to be’ she thought. She was only half way to school when a silver BMW started to incessantly honk. Isabella felt a twitch of irritation. She hated BMW’s or any other ridiculously expensive car, people should spend money on important things, instead of plastic, shiny materialistic items she thought. Like a parent-less teenager living by herself she thought. A bittersweet smile appeared on her face. Whenever she thought about her life she got very depressed, not that she already wasn’t but she felt extremely sullen whenever she thought of where her dad was. Isabella shook her head out of her thoughts. It was then she realized that the BMW had not stopped honking. Irately Isabella craned her neck to the idiot that was honking and she felt her heart flutter and her stomach boil. It was her ex-best friend Tristan.
Her once vibrant green eyes became dark and lost their shine. Her eyes narrowed into slits and her lip curled into a sneer. She sent him the most piercing glare she could. The idiot just kept on smirking at her like a cheesy villain.
“What” she croaked out, she found it hard to actually talk to him. Her mouth felt dry, and her stomach churned with such an intense hate, that it actually hurt.
“ Just checking to see if your still alive, I know living in that apartment scares even the biggest cockroaches away, but I guess poor people always get used to living in such pathetic conditions” he proudly spoke, as if he was the king of England and he was insulting a meager commoner. Isabella hated it. She hated that he turned out like this.
“Yeah, I guess I am used to living like this, but it builds character something you lack” Isabella stated. She never insulted somebody by cursing at them. She was once taught that cursing was unethical. That using bad words to insult somebody was degrading to him or herself. It was a battle of wits. Whomever came up with the wittiest insults was the smarter one. Tristan was most indefinitely taught the same way, being raised into aristocracy. Isabella felt a sudden pang of jealously, he had always gotten everything he had ever wanted, and his parents were always there by this side. He had everything within his grasp and it was always just out of reach for Isabella. She felt her repressed anger come back with a sudden vengeance. She really hated this smarmy bastard. He really needed to learn some manners Isabella thought angrily.
“The only character I see is the dirt under you fingernails, even then that is not character at all. Don’t be jealous that you were once like us, but then struck with poverty, nobody cares Bella, no-one” and with that said Tristan sped off to school to go hang out with his “posse.” Tristan was the most revered guy at Isabella’s school. He was the guy girls would rip off their clothes and stand bare in front of him, just to talk to him and the guys whom would always envy him. Isabella was no fool, the attraction in him was undeniable. He was a towering six foot two and weighed about one hundred and ninety pounds. His sun-kissed glow skin that made him shine out in the most darkest of the crowds. A taut muscular body, that was lean but not bulky. He had abs a six pack even Isabella was sure of that. Tristan had silky rich dark brown hair that was as silky rich and brown as a black espresso coffee. It hanged loosely around his face , sometimes falling into his blue eyes making him look mysterious. He had electrifying midnight blue eyes that could pierce someone’s soul many times over. The expression in them was always unfathomable. An aristocratic nose, that was neither bony and large nor small. Just perfect. His jaw line was sharp and pronounced making him look like he had a certain edge to him. His lips were pink always in a semi-pout making it hard not to kiss him. To Isabella he was an attractive man. To the world he was a Greek God.
‘What’s so special about him anyway? He’s just a pretty face with nothing to back it up’ Isabella thought begrudgingly. She continued the rest of her walk to school without any interruptions and reached the big iron gates of her school quickly. She nervously gulped. ‘ Last time for the nervous first day jitters’ Isabella excitedly thought, and entered her last and final year of high school.



-------------------be brutal on review it, please-------------------------------
सारा मेरा ज़िंदगी मैं माल असबाब छिपा हुआ




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This was pretty good, but it has grammar and punctuational errors. Try reading it through outloud, I find that it helps. More commas! especially when they are talking to eahc other. in the end it is just one huge block of text. Fix it!




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In the sub-zero apartment lay a womanly seventeen year old girl with espresso brown hair lay snoozing on her bare mattress.


There are two things I don't like in that sentence.

1. You repeat "lay" twice and it makes no sense.
2. "Womanly" just doesn't seem to belong there.

really she was having nightmares, from the ghosts of her past.


That comma doesn't belong.

for it had no heat, Isabella could not afford it.


I personally think that comma should be a semi-colon, but some people don't like using them.

But, she had


You don't need that comma

WALTER WHERE YOU LAST NIGHT?


Are the capitals really nessecary?

REALLY THEN MIND EXPLAINING TO ME WHY YOU SMELL LIKE CHEAP PERFUME?


Not only is this in capitals, it doesn't sound right. You need some punctuation in there. Perhaps:

"Really? Then do you mind explaining to me why you smell of cheap perfume?!"

And yes, I did reword that.


was D-day for him Isabella thought.


"D-day for him, Isabella thought"

She laughed half heartily, if her neighbors had their own television show she would watch it everyday, not that she had a TV, but wishful thinking was always good.


"She laughed half-heartily. If her neighbors had their own tv show, she would watch it every day. Not that she had a TV, but wishful thinking was always good."

Babe come-on be reasonable


"Babe, come on. Be reasonable."

Then there was a loud shattering with the following woman screaming phrases


"Then there was a loud shattering followed by the woman screaming phrases."

but it was very faint for the shattering glass overpowered her voice.


The glass is still shattering?

tread ed


I assume that's a typo.

as she walked, she was used to it.


Again, the comma would best benefit as a semi-colon.

Her bathroom to put it lightly was absolutely disgusting.


"Her bathroom, to put it lightly, was absolutely disgusting."

"extravagant"


The sarcasm is starting to bug me

The walls had silver-ish wallpaper, that was half on and half off the wall. It had a white broken tiled floor


The wallpaper?

broken tiled floor; mirrors that were so cracked


Semi colon should be a comma. You are listing things, not explaining the first half of the sentence.


It was truly a nightmare; Isabella knew that not even the dirtiest of the dirty people would ever use her bathroom.


Here's a semi colon, that would be better as a period.

she was here now-and for a while.


"She was here now, and would be for a while."

She picked up her green toothbrush applied some toothpaste


Good place for a comma

"She picked up her green toothbrush, applied some toothpaste..."

in her mouth, lolling it around in her mouth


In her mouth in her mouth in her mouth
Lay off the repitition

for a while-like mouthwash


Not big on the dash,

"... For a while, like mouthwash, ..."

and spit it out then cleared out the sink for any toothpaste still in it.


This sentence is too long and becomes bland by the period. Shorten it.

Then she hopped into shower and hastily washed away her filth of being in the bathroom.


Two things with this

1. Typo. "She hopped into the shower.
2. She's still in the bathroom, so she's still surrounded by the filth.

Isabella was out of the shower and in her uniform by 7:00am, she was ready one hour earlier than she should have been.


Semi colon would go nicely here.

Brook field Private


field should have a capital.

High school, it was an exclusive school that


That comma should either be a semi colon or a period.

a full ride scholarship


Is it a horse-riding school?

elders-adults-


What? Stick with either "elders" or "adults" to avoid confusing people.

Of Brookfield Private High school


If Brook Field one word or two? You've indicated both ways.

on her tore orange couch


Torn?

It had or appeared to be several large coffee stains on the couch.


"It had what appeared to be several large coffee stains on it."

For the couch to have something on the couch, it sounds a bit dodgy.

Or she hoped it god that it was coffee.


"Or she hoped to God it was coffee."

I'm not religious, but I still believe in spelling God with a capital G.

She had to leave her apartment and leave for school in five minutes.


Leave leave leave leave leave.

She hated her school well to be more specific the people in it.


"She hated her school. To be more specific, she hated the people that went there."

or even simply

"She hated the people at her school."

It was like an indescribable hell.


Yes, hell is right. What the "hell" is that word before "hell"? How can something be impossible to describe, and described as a hell? Reconsider that.

She felt like she fell into an endless black hole, with no-one to save her.


This wouldn't be a description of the hell, would it?

She hated her school well to be more specific the people in it. It was like an indescribable hell. She felt like she fell into an endless black hole, with no-one to save her. She wanted to run away, she wanted to die but most of all she wanted someone to care. “Everyone leaves me’ she thought bitterly. She frighteningly peered at the clock again and it read 7:59 am. She groaned but picked up her backpack and her keys and hesitantly left her apartment.


She she she she she she she. Too many sentences starting with "She". You're a writer, be more creative.

She hated BMWs or any other ridiculously expensive car, people should spend money on important things, instead of plastic, shiny materialistic items she thought.


Why is this all one sentence. Did she actually think "She hated BMW's"? Start using periods.

Like a parent-less teenager living by herself she thought.


What? People should spend money on a parentless teenager? Isn't that a tad selfish?

A bittersweet smile appeared on her face. Whenever she thought about her life she got very depressed,


Then why did she smile?

Like a parent-less teenager . . . Whenever she thought about her life


In the next sentence you say

whenever she thought of where her dad was


And you tell us her mum is in the loony bin. So she does have parents. Reconsider that part.

Irately


What?

Irately Isabella craned her neck


Comma before "Isabella"

Her once vibrant green eyes became dark and lost their shine. Her eyes narrowed into slits


Her eyes her eyes her eyes.

she croaked out, she found it hard to actually talk to him


Reconsider the punctuation here.

"She croaked. It was hard for her to talk to him."

with such an intense hate, that it actually hurt.


Get rid of that comma.

Just checking to see if your still alive, I know living in that apartment scares even the biggest cockroaches away, but I guess poor people always get used to living in such pathetic conditions


Why is that all one sentence? Periods, people!

but it builds character something you lack


And here you need a comma.

She was once taught that cursing was unethical. That using bad words to insult somebody was degrading to him or herself.


Good place for a semicolon rather than a period.

Also, why not just say "them" rather than "Him or herself." It sounds much less sloppy.

Tristan was most indefinitely taught the same way


"Tristan was definately raised the same way. . ."

Isabella felt a sudden pang of jealously, he had always gotten everything he had ever wanted, and his parents were always there by this side.


Why is that one sentence? Fix it.

She felt her repressed anger come back with a sudden vengeance.


Wasn't she angry that whole time? Hence the hatred. . .

She really hated this smarmy bastard.


Smarmy? Also, I thought she didn't curse. . .

He really needed to learn some manners Isabella thought angrily.


Comma!

bare in front of him, just to talk to him


No Comma

guys whom would always envy him


You don't need "whom"

one hundred and ninety pounds.


For those who have bothered to read this far, weight isn't really important. In fact, I doubt anyone would really care.

He had abs a six pack


Either put a comma or lose "abs". Everyone knows what a six pack is.

six pack even Isabella was sure of that.


Comma

˜Whats so special about him anyway?


You just finished telling us. Reconsider this.

Actually, reconsider this whole piece.

Sorry.

You put all the right punctuation in all the wrong places.

Also, hasn't anyone told you about paragraphs? Each time I looked away from the story, I lost my place. This sort of thing will put readers off, which will get you no where crit wise, and then you'll wonder why.

Space! Punctuation! Repitition! Sarcasm! You have to work on these, because they are really off putting.

Having said that, you did develop Isabella well, though people may not realise through the mess. I left this piece with a knowledge of the character, and that's important when it comes to character development. Congrats on that.

Having given you such a detailed crit, you would be more than welcome to PM me for any help you might need in cleaning this piece up :)




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Brutality? Sign me up! :D

Um yeah. Lucy already dealt with grammar and stuff (I think--I only skimmed it) so I might be repetitious, but yep! Continuing on...

The air around the apartment was cold and had a freezing cold chill, the kind that bit your skin.


Okay. You have just said that it's cold THREE TIMES in one sentence. Besides that being that being slightly repetitious, it also is a little a little annoying. I would rather have you say, "Her toes might have fallen off under normal circumstances, considering that it was felt like 75 below zero in her apartment, but for some miraculous reason, they were still there." I mean, it's a little longer, but it uses exaggeration to show a point instead of saying "it was cold" THREE TIMES in the first sentence.

It felt like winter time in Alaska, even though it was early fall in Chicago.


AHH! We get the point! Use an exaggeration the first sentence and stop blundeoning us with fish!

In the sub-zero apartment...


You know what I would say.

...lay a womanly seventeen year old girl with espresso brown hair lay snoozing on her bare mattress.


Womanly? How is she womanly? Is this a code word that says, "Oooo... she's size 20001DDD or does this mean that she looks like a woman? In any case, this is a textbook example of adjectives that really (really) do not describe anything. For example, you sometimes have these adjectives that really don't make sense. At all. Either tell describe what it means, or cut it. And really, cutting is good. Really.

Second of all, UNLESS expresso was spilled on her hair, avoid that adjective. Please. It's a noun.

Her breaths were long and deep, and were even with each rise and fall of her chest. She appeared to have a serene expression splashed across her face when really she was having nightmares, from the ghosts of her past.


You might want to spend less time talking about how well she is sleeping. Because you're being slightly repetitious again (although not as bad as the first couple of sentences). And please, please, please do not use the expression "from the ghosts of her past." It's not poetic, it's borderline cliched, and it really, really, really makes this piece seem corny to me, and it shouldn't be!

In fact, I don't think you should even mention the nightmare yet. It would be better, I think (as far as drama goes) to make her calm and suddenly she starts moaning in her sleep and sweating. ESPECIALLY since she is in such a cold room. Much much more dramatic, see?

Her skin was as pale as day, and had a bluish tinge to it because the only thing that covered her slim frame was her moth-eaten blankets.


Hmmm... a better description of being cold. I like it. Just one thing, instead of saying "her skin was as pale as day" just say, "her pale skin." Brevity is indeed the soul of wit.

The apartment was simply as cold and bare as it looked, for it had no heat, Isabella could not afford it.


...kind of obvious. I mean, who would actually live in an apartment where frostbite was just another day? So you might want to delete it.

It was early a few minutes before 6:00am, her school started at 8:30am and she lived only 10 minutes away from it.


RUN ON SENTENCE ALERT! Split it up. And spell out your words. :D

But, she had never gotten to sleep in because of her neighbors daily morning arguments. In just a few moments Isabella would be awake, away from her nightmares, but thrown into her harsh reality.


Um... I think the next chapter describes this, so you either want to combine the prologue (which is short) with the first chapter. Prologues can be used well, but as it is, it should probably be combined with the first chapter.

Anyway, I hope that wasn't too brutal for you. ^_^ See you around on YWS!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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It was all right. A great idea atleast. You need to learn to cut out unneccesary words. Honestly, look at the first sentance and tell me that it makes sense. It doesn't, because you say the same thing three times! You only have to say it once for us to get it! Your grammar and punctuation could use some help, but it was okay. If you wrote it on the computer, I can understand how you can't see your mistakes. I'd suggest you print it out and take the red pen to it. Editing is so much easier when you can hold the papers in your hands!

Keep writing! And read a lot! You'll better understand the craft by doing so! Oh! And take all the advice you can get. It's your writing, so you don't have to go with every suggestion, but listen to what people have to say. They can help you in the future!!


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