First part

This is the first paragraph of a story I've been working on for a few weeks now...

Snow came down like it never had before, pounding the Loth Mountains. Dressed in dyed, black leather armor, Korin carefully and silently made his way up the icy mountain towards his cabin. The snow was blinding, wolf howled into the darkness from a distance, commemorating the return of Korin. The ice crunched under Korinb s leather boots, his red cloak whipped around in the wind. His long, black hair hung below his shoulders in shags. As Korin neared his small fortress, he noticed smoke rising from the chimney, not knowing any visitors he crept up to the door. He could hear voices from inside.

Copyright Nick Lunn, 2004

Okay, here ya go...

"Snow came down like it never had before"
-instead of tellimg me all about this, try to find some way to show that this is happening. Instead of just tellimg me, show me what is happening. Like, Snow cascaded down upon Korin in waves of icy coldness, or, As Korin forced his way through the avalanches of snow, he... Something like that ya know. I'm a little critical at times, but don't take it personally.

"Black Armor"
-I like to use 'inky' for a good black color adjective. Iron is also a good metal to use in conjunction with leather. They go hand in hand.

"ice crunched under Korinb s leather boots"
-Like I said, show me, don't tell me... The ice popped under his boots like the crunching of a goblin's bones. Ice was reduced to a powdery substance as he tramped his way to the cablin.

"his red cloak whipped around in the wind"
-Something like: The billowing crimson cape tugged at Korin as he walked against the wind. His red cloak snapped at the icy air around him as he tramped through the snow.

"As Korin neared his small fortress, he noticed smoke rising from the chimney, not knowing any visitors he crept up to the door."
-Getting ever closer to the protruding rock cluster, he smelled the hint of burning ashes. The scent of burning ashwood; very good for warmth. He looked up to his stronghold and noticed whisps of smoke arising from the depths of his forticiation. Not expecting any visitors, he quickened his pace, to relieve the possible foriegn pupils that may be using his breastwork as a shelter.

There ya go, that's what I've seen... Very good none the less. I'm interested on how far you will go, or Korin will. Good Luck!

-Z

Wow... I can't go into as much detail as ZZAP, but what he said sounds good.

Anyways, I liked it. It accomplished everything a first paragraph should do (held my attention, introduced the scene, introduced the character, had intrigue) without being complicated. I look forward to reading the rest.

- Nate

b Lo Ethb he whispered, a blinding flash of light appeared in the keep. Korin burst through the door and yelled.
b Ex Or Ith!b A chain with a circular bladed object attached to the end appeared in his hands. He started to swing it around his head. A high-pitched sound could be heard as the glaive began to spin.
b Korin! Wait!b said a voice.
Korin immediately stopped spinning his weapon.
It was Lorin, Korinb s wife. She was a dark elf, she was dressed in a dark green robe, she had dark blue hair and had crescent moon earrings dangling from her pointed ears.
b Ex In Orb he whispered. His weapon had disappeared into the darkness.
b Ib m sorry Lorin, I had no idea you would be here. You should not have come here alone. The Loth Mountains are a very dangerous place.b Said Korin to his wife.
b But I didnb t come alone Korin.b replied Lorin.
A figure in a hooded cloak stepped out from the shadows. He was spinning a dagger between his fingers with precise expertise.
Damien, itb s been a long time old friend,b said Korin.
b Yes, yes it has Korin.b
Damien took his cloak off to reveal a large wound on his cheek. He had white, short hair that was spiked up. He wore all black clothing, and had 2 daggers that hung on his belt.
b So, Korin, how was your sister Amee?b said Damien.
b Sheb s dead.b Korin said as he turned away. b 3 days after I arrived at her village, she died.b
b Ib m so sorry Korin.b Said Lorin.
b Donb t be Lorin, I could have prevented her death, itb s my fault.b
b What? How?b asked Lorin.
b If I had been there when her village was raided, I could have saved them allb
b You canb t blame yourself for the Korin, you werenb t there.b
b Exactly.b
Lorin turned Korin towards her and looked him in the eyes. His eyes were filled to the brink with tears. Quickly he turned towards the wall and wiped them away with him arm.
b I got my revenge though.b Said Korin with a wicked grin spreading across his face. b Once I arrived at her village, and heard what had happened, I tracked them back to their fort. I slaughtered them all, children and women. No one was spared from the merciless Korin.b
Lorin turned to Damien and smiled. The Korin that they always knew had returned.

Copyright Nick Lunn, 2004.

That was me that posted above BTW...

That part was really good. And I just have to say this, ZZAP, how can you go into so much detail?! Its impossible for me! YOU ARE A REALLY GOOD WRITER! Like Nate said, I (too) cannot go into as much detail as you did. Sorry for interrupting your story Korrin...

Woah, Whats this all about?

b Ib m so sorry Korin.b

I copied and pasted from Word..

Yeah, weird, what was it supposed to say?

They were just quotes..

...oookay...

Korin... Can you possible re-write your post? I'd really like to read it, but it's making my brain hurt.

-Z

Yeah same here...

Lo Eth he whispered, a blinding flash of light appeared in the keep. Korin burst through the door and yelled.
Ex Or Ith! A chain with a circular bladed object attached to the end appeared in his hands. He started to swing it around his head. A high-pitched sound could be heard as the glaive began to spin.
Korin! Wait! said a voice.
Korin immediately stopped spinning his weapon.
It was Lorin, Korin s wife. She was a dark elf, she was dressed in a dark green robe, she had dark blue hair and had crescent moon earrings dangling from her pointed ears.
Ex In Or he whispered. His weapon had disappeared into the darkness.
I m sorry Lorin, I had no idea you would be here. You should not have come here alone. The Loth Mountains are a very dangerous place. Said Korin to his wife.
But I didn t come alone Korin. replied Lorin.
A figure in a hooded cloak stepped out from the shadows. He was spinning a dagger between his fingers with precise expertise.
Damien, it s been a long time old friend, said Korin.
Yes, yes it has Korin.
Damien took his cloak off to reveal a large wound on his cheek. He had white, short hair that was spiked up. He wore all black clothing, and had 2 daggers that hung on his belt.
So, Korin, how was your sister Amee? said Damien.
She s dead. Korin said as he turned away. 3 days after I arrived at her village, she died.
I m so sorry Korin. Said Lorin.
Don t be Lorin, I could have prevented her death, it s my fault.
What? How? asked Lorin.
If I had been there when her village was raided, I could have saved them all
You can t blame yourself for the Korin, you weren t there.
Exactly.
Lorin turned Korin towards her and looked him in the eyes. His eyes were filled to the brink with tears. Quickly he turned towards the wall and wiped them away with him arm.
I got my revenge though. Said Korin with a wicked grin spreading across his face. Once I arrived at her village, and heard what had happened, I tracked them back to their fort. I slaughtered them all, children and women. No one was spared from the merciless Korin.
Lorin turned to Damien and smiled. The Korin that they always knew had returned.

Copyright Nick Lunn, 2004.

Much better, thank 'e.

It needs more depth. I really love your first paragraph, but it seems like you didn't pay as much attention to what came afterwards. It sounds very random and reads more like a script than anything else. I suggest adding in details and just generally fleshing it out more.

Some particular points...:
"She was a dark elf, she was dressed in a dark green robe, she had dark blue hair and had crescent moon earrings dangling from her pointed ears. "
You can get rid of the last two she's, you don't need them. Consider also rewriting it and shifting it around to something like:
"She was a dark elf, that much was unmistakable. Robes of dark green enveloped her body and cresent moon earrings sparkled under a long swathe of glistening dark blue hair." That's a little bit rushed, though.

" But I didn t come alone Korin. replied Lorin. "
The replied Lorin part is redundant. I'd get rid of it and jump right into the figure that is coming out of the shadows.

All in all, though, it is good. I like the way you advance the story through natural sounding dialogue, rather than telling the reader outright. I also really like the way that you take the reader to the real meat of the story (the death of Korin's sister) pretty early on. Most writers tend to leave stuff like that for later, but it almost always makes for terrible stories.

Overall, I'm really looking forward to the rest.