Secrets: A Short Story

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Secrets

[pre]Secrets. Secrets are what were shrouded in mystery in the bayou of the Old South . Folks around those parts wanted them to disappear and be gone forever. But nature was always willing to spill with the gossipy winds and the incessant pestering heat that played with one’s senses.
Among the many trails leading up to the marshy banks were footprints. The muddy ground had hardened to showcase their imprinted relics. The winds murmured to the dull earth-colored grasses who in turn slumped by the wayside to reveal yet more secrets. On cue, drops of crimson blood appeared on the undergrowth illuminated by the glowering sun fire.
Further along the trail traveled by many, were the gathering flocks of Cypress giants. Branches wickedly outstretched, sprawled, tantalizing the reverent waters. The area was now vacant except for the stunted branches that laid piously beside their towering fathers. Ashen tips, their soul's long burnt out from the unending summer’s night.
The sun, now dying, hid in defeat behind the Cypresses. The scent of the air turned like the tides. Permeated throughout the air was the smell of rot and disdain.
An unremitting pattern of creaks fragmented the silence from behind one of the roosting Cypress trees. A sinister arm exultingly brandished it’s latest jewelry.
A dilapidated rope dangled mercilessly while a noose upheld a lifeless body of a man. The man’s pleading, glazed eyes sunken into the charcoal like skin. His overalls covered with the fingerprints of malice and irrational hatred.
Mourners dressed in black cawed out as they winged away from the bayou.[/pre]
Last edited by Common Sense on Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Truth Through Me




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This was good. Your description is superb. This is probably my favorite line:

The area was now vacant except for the stunted branches that laid piously beside their towering fathers.


Dunno why but it is :D

However, your first paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of the story from what I can see. Tell the reader what the heck secrets have to do with the dead man! I want to know. Make the story longer, give it more conflict. The piece, though well written, really has no purpose. What does it mean? Who is the man? What is the secret? Tell us more!

Secrets are what were shrouded in mystery in the bayou of the Old South .


Change this to: "Secrets were shrouded in mystery at the bayou of the Old South." You used the word 'in' twice in the same sentence and the 'are what' made the sentence cumbersome. Also, be specific about the where of your story. Tell me where the bayou is.

But nature was always will to spill


I think this is a typo. Did you mean willing to spill? Check it out. Give it a bandaid.

Anyways, good job. Make it longer and give me more story along with your short. Also, get rid of the font and just stick with default. Please.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Kylan wrote:
However, your first paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of the story from what I can see. Tell the reader what the heck secrets have to do with the dead man! I want to know. Make the story longer, give it more conflict. The piece, though well written, really has no purpose. What does it mean? Who is the man? What is the secret? Tell us more!



Anyways, good job. Make it longer and give me more story along with your short. Also, get rid of the font and just stick with default. Please.



-Kylan



The first paragraph sets of up for the secrets that are revealed by nature. The blood, the footprints etc....Those are the secrets, and in the end all those reveal the greater secret. The hung man.

Sorry, I had to use the "Pre" button because it has my indents, and am not sure where the indention button is on here.
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Instead of indentation, we use spaces in between paragraphs.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

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