Tell me

Tell me, little girl
Why do you try so hard
To impress him when
He's not even looking?

Tell me, darling
Why don't you come here,
Into my arms where
No one can hurt you?

Tell me, my sweetheart
Why do you slave away
To make him happy when
He thinks he already is?

Tell me, my love
Is he worth throwing away
So much of your life
To be rejected?

Don't tell me, my princess
That you don't love me
Because I know you do
Even if you won't admit it.

Oh crap...this is a creepy poem. Like, super creepy. Wow. You get points for the creep factor this has. I don't know if this is intended to be creepy, but it is. You start off by calling the other person "little girl" which implies that she is, in fact, a little girl and, presumably the narrator, who is presumably a man, is much older than her. And the fact that she doesn't like him and won't even admit it, that he's much older.

Creepy... *shivers*

hmm, I agree with Snoink that it is a little creepy, and i also thought that the narrator was an older man, but I oculd be wrong, it could be a completly non-creepy poem with...a non creepy narator?
See, that's what I like about poems like this, you can make up your own mind about it

Meevs
x

I thought the repetition of the "Tell me..." and phrasing it all with a question got to be a little much. Maybe you could try rephrasing some as non-questions and making the point all together in one bit?

That is creepy... I think "tell me" is repeated a bit much, but it still works.

I think you should add more to it though, to clarify what is going on. That way in case it is about what we think it is about, we can freak out over it, rather than think we just have dirty minds. You know? :p actually, I just think you should add more to make it better. You're just telling, or talking to the little girl. Why not show us something that will creep us out?

Actually, I sort of like it as it is. If you added any more description to it, it would turn ridiculous. The "tell me" parts do get a little bit creepier as time goes on, so I think the repetition works well. But if it were more blatant, I think it would be too blatant. Right now, it's a nice piece of quiet horror.

I liked this poem, I think without the "little girl" part it could be seen as not creepy. Lol, it's just that someone who loves someone else in that way usually doesn't call them a little girl. I hardly noticed it though so great job on this. I liked the repetition and all the different names the narrator called the girl/woman.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

I agree with Rieda....if you didn't have the "little girl" part it wouldn't be as creepy....but i did enjoy it and loved it...good job ^^



-Uo The lady in gray

Lindsay, I loved this! It was, in my opinion, something that anyone could relate to. You're poetry tends to be like this though, so I shouldn't expect anything else. *smile*

Happy writing!!
~Bella~

Wow Linds, I really like this, and I'm not even a poetry person!

Although the "Tell me" was a bit repetitive, the names following ("my love", "My sweetheart" etc) seemed to cancel it out.

I don't think it was creepy... **feels outcasted**

I tend to agree with the "little girl" being creepy. But also i can understand the view of the narrator, when you love someone that loves another it is hard to admit it.

Still, work on it, possibly take out the "little girl" and change it to something not so... pedophile.