Own Experience

I was sat there that awful day, in school, having people around me who I thought would stand up for me, makes me feel let down and hurt. That is one feeling I won't forget.
Being on them steps in front of everyone yet not a teacher insight. With all those girls, but there was just me alone. They threw things, but I kept my head down hoping they would stop. But they will never stop. One victim after another, no one daring to stand up for themselves. Until me. I remember standing up, getting ready to take whatever violence and abuse them girls would throw at me, to finally let my anger and pain out and to finally say what I felt.
The most fantastic feeling in the world is telling someone who has made your life hell for two years, what you think.
A hundred familiar faces, some I knew personally, but some who I have never met, crowded round pleading for a fight, but through the crowd I saw my older brother, telling me to do what I wanted to do, not what everyone else wanted me to. He said that I should be brave and not so scared. So I did. I did what I wanted to do for a change, I stood up for myself, something I had never mastered the strength to do before. It was strange because at the end of the day the main bully actually came up to me and asked if I wanted to be her friend. I couldn't believe it I had stood up for myself, yet the girl who couldn't care less over someones feelings actually was scared of me. The quiet shy girl, who was the target for all bullies practically nation-wide because of being different. Not just different in personality but in her size as well, as she isn't exactly skinny had defeated the ultimate nightmare by waking up and seeing herself as not just a lonely and sad person, but as a confident girl who finally felt she had gained the respect she deserved.
So it definitely was a day I shall never forget.

That was good! It certainly kept me there to the last part. I liked the way you mentioned that you were all alone, and that the people around you were all against you.

Here is the major trouble of this work:

The reader is in the shadows. You only give half a glimpse of the character's feelings, but I did not even know why she felt that way and why the antagonists felt the way they did! What did she do? At least give the reader a glimpse of that. It helps us feel more for the character. And what about the brother? Elaborate on that.

Along with changing the story, you must add originality. Add imagery! Add poetry! Add irony! Add something that will surprise the reader, that will make him think, "Wow! What a great line!" Add something that doesn't make literal sense, like--"The crowd swallowed me with their screaming".

Finally, change the i into I. Also, please make more use of your commas. Put them in the correct place. Which one is better:

I looked around, and, I saw the man who killed my wife.

OR

I looked around and saw the man who killed my wife.

Correct English!

that was good.

I spoteed one spelling.

masted

Think that is suppose to be Mastered

Other than that i can just repeat what gadi said. Tell us why the people hate her and what her brother had told her to do. And her feelings!!

You have a nice start here but this needs expanding. Add a little description of the scenery and some characterization. You tell us the persona is all alone but show us. Show us how she is feeling lonely and outcasted from the society. Does she huddle in her seat and then force herself to sit up tall in an attempt to appear confident. Is she nervous about what she's about to do? Also, don't stop there - finish it. Show the conflict between her and the bullies and show us either her triumph or her failure. Good luck with this one and let me know if you add more,

Heather xx

Ahhh... this is much better than the poem.

As the others said, description is key in this story, especially in the setting. I know that, when I picture this story taking place, I see this in an elementary school, since that is my only experience with public school (I was taken out for homeschooling in junior high). So while this might be especially powerful to those who have experienced junior high or high school, it is less powerful for me because I have not experienced the situation that you have described.

To help this become more accessible to everyone as opposed to only a small section, you will want to describe details, such as the clothing everybody is wearing, what this place looks like, where the teachers or supervisors are, and so on. This will make it more visually appealing for those readers who have not experienced this situation, so you can help them see your view point better.

Also, to make this more dramatically appealing for your reader, try adding some dialogue. What are the bullies saying to their victims? Why? Maybe one of the bullies looks like she really isn't happy she's doing this. What do their victims say? Or do they say anything? What does their body language say? And then finally... what do you say to the bullies?

By describing this, you are making it more appealing, emotionally, autitorially, visually, etc., and you're making the scene come alive for your readers. So revise this and you will have something pretty nifty for everyone to enjoy.

Short post=short comment.
There are punctuation mistakes in the writing. I won't point out all of them, but having mistakes like that in the writing means you don't care about your work, so why should we? Try reading it aloud and fix the sentences that don't sound right. I find that sometimes helps. Also, we want to know why she is upset. You have a tiny post, and a big idea. Make it bigger!

I agree with what the others said about expanding on the scenery and descriptions. Let us get to know the character, visualize the place in our mind. It will capture our attention much more.

Typos, etc...

Sat there that awful day,

This was confusing. Perhaps you should say: "I sat there," thus letting us know who you're talking about.

All those girls, but just me alone.

Can't decide whether or not I like this. It's cool...and you could read different meanings in it...but I'm not sure if my meaning is what the meaning was supposed to be. You might consider clarifying it, but it's actually a cool sentence, so go with what you feel.

The most fantastic feeling in the world is telling someone who has made your life hell for two years, where to go.

Nix the comma after 'two years."

It was definatley a day i shall never forget.

definatley = definately

Pretty good...I really like the idea and you had some good, smooth, nice sentences in there. You just need to expand on it a bit. Nice work!

~The Kool One

I've re-done a few lines adn added a few in as well. Please read and review it.


Thanks.

TxP