doll

how can you love someone
who yields so easily to the crush of your body
pushing her backwards,
posing her into seductive shapes on
your dirty sheets.

who submitted, so docile
to your fumbling hands in the back seats of cars
yet stared, dispassionate
counting the chinks in the ceiling
as your muscles spasmed and you clawed her back
in your sudden ecstasy

the other boys have their paper goddesses and goth girls and
right hands in their pockets,
you have your china doll.

She’s not a real girl but
you can drape her over your arm at parties
and kiss her goodnight as her eyes wander
over your shoulder into the blank space beyond.

“ I love you too”
she murmurs the obligatory response.
some day, when your foolish youth has passed you by,
you’ll realize
that her words were as plastic
as her dead blue eyes.

Wow. Awesome poem, a lot of emotion and depth. Well written too, although slightly stilted in places. Definitely very powerful - particularly loved the last stanza.

"how can you love someone
who yields so easily to the crush of your body
pushing her backwards,
posing her into seductive shapes on
your dirty sheets. "

Good intro - I think you could combine the last two lines to make it read more smoothly, though. I like the way this stanza introduced the topic of the poem without being too overt. That last line "dirty sheets" is also very evocative - talk about unpleasant connotations! Nice use of imagery.

"who submitted, so docile
to your fumbling hands in the back seats of cars
yet stared, dispassionate
counting the chinks in the ceiling
as your muscles spasmed and you clawed her back
in your sudden ecstasy"

Another good stanza. The second line may be a bit long - but I like the concept. Very vivid - one might almost say lurid. Again, clever use of imagery to underline the point of the poem.

"the other boys have their paper goddesses and goth girls and
right hands in their pockets,
you have your china doll."

It would probably be better if you changed the comma after "pockets" to a full stop, since that would read better...or maybe a hyphen (-). I like the rhythm of these three lines, and the way they signal a change in the poem's point of view. Very smooth and professional.

"She’s not a real girl but
you can drape her over your arm at parties
and kiss her goodnight as her eyes wander
over your shoulder into the blank space beyond."

Excellent clarification from "china doll" in the previous stanza. I particularly like this verse; it has a great deal of emotion and power in it, but its very subtle. The narrator's point of view and feelings are very clear, and - I repeat, hehe - I really like the use of imagery and the fleshing-out of the "china doll" analogy. Well done.

"“I love you too”
she murmurs the obligatory response.
some day, when your foolish youth has passed you by,
you’ll realize
that her words were as plastic
as her dead blue eyes."

The rhyming finish is very powerful too; reminds me a bit of Shakespeare, how he always used to finish soliloquies and/or acts with a rhyming couplet. It draws attention to the concept that really ends it with a bang. I guess this is my favourite stanza - I feel it is the most effective verse of the entire poem. You could get rid of "obligatory response", though, and to make it follow logically through add "and" to the third line ("and some day..."). It might also flow better if "you'll" becomes "you will". Not sure, but you might want to play around with those bits and get them sounding right. I love "that her words were as plastic/as her dead blue eyes" though. Chilling.
Other than those little bits and pieces, great job. Its a really awesome poem and definitely one of my favourites. I will look forward to reading more powerful stuff from you!

This was one of the first I saw when I joined TYWC. It blew my mind then, it blows my mind now. Your beautiful use of language and emotion gets to me every time I read it (I saved it on my computer - no, I'm the stalker type...ahem.) It's chilling how vividly I can see it all. This remains one of the best poems I've ever read.

Wow! Very vivid: I could actually see her eyes. I thought this was very very good.

gles in deep admiration:

Wow...wow...just...wow...it rocked.

It was very, very vivid and just...ALIVE! I could actually vizualize her, and see what was happening. It was like a dramatic really short story in poem form, it was one of the best I've ever seen, and I'm still just saying...wow...thats the only way I can put it.

i think bubble and everyone else said what should be said. wow is right. chilling.

Gosh

I just... What... I don't... Oh my.

This.. Is... Great.

You have managed the indescribable feat of making a poem that is at once both creepy and profound. I don't know whether to congratulate you or worry about you. Oh, what the heck. It flowed great. Great, original topic and great presentation. Good work!