Young Writers Society

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Are you sure? Can’t you be dream,” Colin mumbled trying to pull his covers a little higher.

There's a letter missing here.

He as falling, wind flushing by his ears, yet his body was still standing perfectly still. The falling stopped, the void melted away into a cloudy grey sky, orange mountains littering the horizon.

was? And shouldn't it be the wind rushing past his ears?

O, I like your teleporting description. I find I usually struggle with those because I don't simply want to say 'the house vanished and he was now in *insert name* street'.

Both were suspended in the water,

Dunno about this, i think 'both of them' would fit better to make Colin look less like an observer.

Moogles! WOOT!

I really liked this. I thought it was very well written out on the whole and can see something like this being published (I mean, they did Eragon so why not?). I tkept my attention throughout which is quite hard seeing as I have jsut gotten out of bed.

“Fine,” he turned to a computer sitting on his desk, “full name?”

The word "computer" kinda killed the mood for me. This is a place of fantasy and by using the word "computer" it makes it seem too modern.

“We’ll have to get you knew clothes

New not knew

Review:

Holy (beep)! I like your idea of Atlantis! It's like some magic/technology underwater city and it works very well. The way you describe the city and its various roles, so engaging and intruging. It makes the reader feel shakened up and leaves them for more. I wonder what conflicts will the city face? Guess I will have to find out.

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OMG Adam, I think I'm developing a strong liking for this story. This chapter rocked!!

The way you wrote this chapter, it kept me reading. The descriptions...so elegant and it flowed so gracefully.

The ideas in this...amazing! You gave us more insight on the magic system in Atlantis as well as how things work. It was very creative and I noticed that despite having benefits, there were also draw backs or restrictions to the magic/technology in Atlantis making things quite believable and realistic even for fantasy.

I was most impressed with how spells work. It is quite original that you used emotion itself to restrict spell casting. I believe it works very well and really helps prevent characters from being overpowered.

Overall, this kicked major butt! I am sold! I want the next chapter ASAP

She ran up the muddy hill with the bag of mallets they used in her hand.

"used in" makes this sentence super clunky--almost difficult to understand. It makes sense, but in another sense it doesn't. Just look at "they used in her hands". doesn't really make sense, huh? maybe if you said "bag of mallets that they used"

Using their full names in the first couple dialogue tags is so info dumping and thick to read. XD Also, to non band people, I have no idea what a marimba is. You might want to add a random description so that we know.

He had a ride in tomorrow anyway, and who in their right mind would steal a cruddy little scooter?

“What have I done!” cried the man who had hit the car. He stood transfixed, unable to do anything but cry and shake in the storm. A woman rubbed her head from the driver’s seat of the second car. She was dazed, unable to think straight.

I don't think the guy would have gotten out that quick--they would both be very dazed/stunned. I was very OMG after my crash. I think they'd be in a horrid condition, considering the speed the man was probably going--a bit more than dazed for the woman...*shrugs* I dunno.

She couldn’t have been more than ten, face drenched in on pouring blood, face white.

What...? I don't like the "face white" part. It's too expected. Give us something brutal! Not the regular pale face and blood. does she have glass in her face...?

He pulled on the handle, hoping for it open, again he pulled.

Ech! "He pulled on the handle. When it wouldn't open, he tried again--but still it wouldn't open." Just... anything besides what you have? It's really really weird, and "again he pulled" sounds SO weird because of the verb-subject oddity.

Colour returned to her stark white face. She didn’t cough or gurgle, but breathing resumed.

I think you should be less technical. don't say "Breathing resumed" say "she was alive" or something--be more human-compassionate-emotional rather than technical, you know?

People cheered when the girl made a noise.

wait... there are people there? You're going to want to consider this. It's the whole show us a gun before someone gets shot thing--tell us about the crowds before they start to cheer. (And if you did, I missed it, and it wasn't a big enough comment XD)

“Go now,” Colin whispered as he grabbed Alice’s arm. She seemed a little affronted by it but with a look at Colin’s face went along.

"Go now" sounds weird. Let's go now?

she whispered as Colin made to get out.

Ach. Change "made to get out" to "got out".

said Colin’s mother when her opened the door,

typo!

“You keep saying that yet you constantly wait around for me. I’m sixteen, I don’t need you to hold my hand.” Her black eyes glinted with malice, ready to tell Colin off for back talking.

“What is wrong with your eyes!”

“What are you on about?” She made a grab and took Colin’s head in her hand, glaring into his eyes. “What is wrong with you?” With wide eyes she let go of him.

“Go to your room,” she swung around to the phone, long black hair hiding the number she dialed, “I told you to get your ass upstairs!”

The actions here are weird--I can't understand them in a real life sense. What is happening...?

The computer in the corner was Colin needed

your sentences are all weird and backwards! Why not 'Colin needed the computer' or something...?

Eh--I can't finish quite yet. Sleepy, ya know?

What I can say so far is that it is very interesting! But at some points, a bit childish and sort of odd. The phone conversation with his mom and someone else makes me feel like you are rushing the story--It's all too weird too quickly, you know? And then him hiding under the bed... he's sixteen. Why is he afraid of an unknown AC guy? Sure, he might be someone else! But you didn't show his fear to the point that I can think, "Oh no! Hide under your bed, Colin! Someone is coming for you!" in fact, I saw no fear at all! I think you sort of rushed the story with the phone conversation thing--up until then it was really good.

I'll have to read more tomorrow

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Well I've already talked to you on what I've thought of this chapter so I'll summarize it here.

Basically, I can understand on why you were showing on how life has changed since he moved to Atlantis. It's described well and shows another aspect of the society of Atlantis.
However, it doesn't really drive the plot forward and sends the story into a stand still.
What's the point of having inner conflicts when they are not used?

Nevertheless, despite the boringness of the chapter, it was good overall. But you need to stop focusing on the society of Atlantis and to move the plot of the novel.

It's not exactly 1666, because modding comes first, but it's pretty close!

Anyway, here it is. And, halfway through recording, I realized that you had dial-up so... hopefully it won't bug you too much to download the files. I cut down the files as much as I could, so hopefully that will help, but yeah...

Also, this is only the first chapter. Yep...

Anyway! The files!

http://snoink.com/me/voice/writing/adam1.mp3
First section. 6.2 MB. 10:47 minutes.

http://snoink.com/me/voice/writing/adam2.mp3
Second section. 16.6 MB. 28:50 minutes.

http://snoink.com/me/voice/writing/adam3.mp3
Third (final) section. 6.1 MB. 10:36 minutes.

http://snoink.com/me/voice/writing/adam4.mp3
Conclusion. 4.8 MB. 8:21 minutes.



*Courtesy of SPEW*

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Well let me get to the point: This was a gripping chapter. The way you thought about your words and sentence structure allowed a very clean and riveting read. Your descriptions were precise and accurate and did not wasted a single word.

This also had a postive affect on the characters too. Though you didn't show much of the emotion of the characters, your actions spoke louder. It was strongly told and was linkshowed what the characater felt at the time. When Collin was getting teamed up on, I actually felt a bit sorry for the poor fella. Lamont was quite a bad ass and I'm interested as to what further conflicts he will cause and how Colllin will resolve them.

Dialogue was another strong point in this chapter. It really shows their character and how they interact with the society they are in. This adds a high degree of realism in the conflicts and character interactions that took place in this chapter, not to mention that it was also well thought out

There was also some good humor in this, such as algebra in Atlantis lol. Funny

You made some minor grammatical errors which you can fix easily.

Overall, very good. My only concern now as how the other chapters will be linked together to the story. Guess I will have to find out.

Andy

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Well well Adam. Guess I have to repeat myself again lol. This was another gripping chapter and one of my favourites. I love how you use your descriptions to show in greater depth as to what is happening. It really gives it that favour, that vibrant feeling that you would find in published works.

This is also reinforced with the dialogue and the wording of your sentences. It is evident that you have mustered a lot of thought and effort into them, allowing for a concise and pleasant read.

I really don't have much to critize on really. One thing that I think you can work on is defining the other characters. I feel as though they are overshadowed by Collin in character development, as Collin's character's quite strong on the reader already. Since this is chapter 11, I was hoping for some characters that were developed to Collin's degree or near it. Sadly, it's nowhere near as strong as Collin's. Your other characters are defined, it's just that they aren't growing if you get what I mean. As a result, I can't relate to the others as much as Collin.

I recommend that you should develop the other characters a bit further, as they seem inferior to Collin's development. Collin's developing nicely, but the others are hardly growing.

Overall, this was great and it was a pleasure to read this chapter. I believe that in chapter 12, things are gonna heat up.

Hope my critique helped.

Andy.

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“They cannot hear you, child,” sleek and disrupted the voice made Colin freeze.

"They cannont hear you, child." The voice was sleek and disrupted, and had made Colin froze.

That's how I would write it. The one in the quotations is grammatically incorrect.

As rude as she was, it was hard not to think about her.

I think you can expand on this statement a bit more to give us more of an idea as to why Collin feels this way.

A quick handshake and another girl appeared, this one had a scowl on her face and he knew she was Melissa. “This is her sister, M-“

This can be split into two sentences. Right now, it feels like a run on.

It was for the best, Colin couldn’t decide if he should kiss Melissa or kick her.

This idea needs further elaboration. It feels a bit random at the moment. Is there a reason why Colin is feeling the way he does now? Can you link it with this chapter or from the previous chapter?

Bobby counted in the air, looking triumphant while Colin continued to stare at the back of Melissa’s long flowing hair.

Did I miss something? Why is Bobby counting?

Keeping occupied through the long line Colin came out with food and a better knowledge of a new friend.

Comma in front of line.

“I just wanted to talk to you. Maybe make a better first impression,” his hopeful tone triggered an eye roll and huff.

A huff.

“I don’t need friends! Don’t you get it? I don’t need you or Bobby. I have my sister and my books, that’s all I need.” she turned to walk, but Colin grabbed her arm, a mistake

I believe that if "A mistake" is just one sentence, rather than being part of a sentence, it would have been more powerful in its meaning.

“No, you ass,” she sniffled and let him up, sitting on the ground next to him.

Lol. This is the first time you've used a bad word (from my memory). Considering Atlantis is situated beneath the sea and isolated from the modern society, I think that if you replace "ass" with your own form of cussing, then it would work much better (given the context that it was used in).

“Err, here.” Colin handed her a small packet of tissues he had.

Omit "he had", as we should know that Colin had tissues in the first place if he was lending them to someone else.

“Thanks.” she sounded a phlegmful trumpet into the soft paper and continued to sniffle as she leaked down her face. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m usually fine. I have friends, not the best friends, but someone.”

Capital letter in front of "she" for a new sentence.

“Thanks Dr. Colin. I don’t need your advice on friends. You had to get beat up to make any.”

Ownage dialogue! (gives you a stuffed moogle doll)

How could he have allowed such key information to evade him.

Bro, you forgot the question mark.

Colin lost interest afterwards, instead he doodled a number of sketches on his notes, each more bizarre than the last.

Hrmm can you expand on the reasons as to why his interest had crashed and burned? I mean the questions that he asked the professor made him seemed interested.

Past the courtyard Bobby led them to a large unnaturally green field.

Comma in front of "courtyard".

“I’ll be right back,” Colin dashed off down the stairs. Using the safety rails to pivot around corners.

The fullstop that is in front of stairs should be a comma.

The crowd of students parted as the long wooden dinghy drifted over the fog, a skeletal figure controlling its path. “Take him.”

Put an exclaimation mark instead of the full stop in front of "him". This guy seems badass and I should picture him shouting than speaking in a soft tone.

Overall comments:

A very hooking chapter! I like how Melissa is growing as a character with Collin. I'm quite interested in the relationship between them, now that they are being prosecuted by Hades. Hmm, very interesting turn of events. I notice that as I read on, one important theme that is developing is Collin having to deal with his emotions that influence him, both as a person and the type of magic that he can cast. I can sense this being very vital as the chapters continue.

I really have nothing negative to say about this. It was almost flawless in my opinion. One thing that I can say is that you should elaborate further on some of the statements and actions to draw out the greater signifiance. You did do that, but there were a few places where I think an idea or action can be developed more. It will add more depth and a more mind numbing read for the person that reads this. Scroll up for my line to line for examples and I'll also include the Hades appearing scene as another. You could had made a few more comments or show a bit more, making his appearance as "Master of Death" more suspenseful and fearful.

Overall, I thank you for this very enjoyable read.

Andy.