Young Writers Society

Adam! I love the chapters that you put in, I know it sounds corny but I have nothing to critique. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! I can't wait to see what happens next -Crystal

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"gasps" Adam! Why didn't you tell me that you have a new chapter up lol -.-

All was quiet save the lone bus filled with students.

I think there should be a comma in front of "quiet".

With a soft thud the bus took rest at the entrance to the tower.

Comma in front of "thud".

“Do not play games with me boy!”

A little nit pick here. The dialogue that followed before this one was well written and rather creative. This however seems a bit bland and rather trivial to the situation.

“Do not make me repeat myself.” Stern and powerful, Zeus’ face was final “Join the others upstairs. You have nothing more to say to young Banks. The questioning is over.”

Shouldn't there be a full stop in front of "final"?

Once on his feet he balanced and made for the door, tired and annoyed.

Comma in front of "feet".

Tears falling from her face and French spewing from her mouth.

Tears fell from her face and French spewed from her mouth.

Her hand flattened and before anyone realized what was happened Colin was slapped to the floor.

Comma in front of "happened".

Taking a few deep breaths he tried to push the thought from his mind, focusing on other things.

Comma after "breaths".

“We know you didn’t do it, but there are more people, like Lamont’s mother, who wont think twice about whether you did it or not. We have to keep you out of their sight for a while. Just to be on the safe side.”

There is a comma missing somewhere in "won't".

Colin sighed, how could all this be happening so fast.

It should be a question.

“Colin des not have the knowledge or power to strip someone of their soul.”

"Does".

Without another look Cain stormed down the hall, Luke and Sabrina trailing behind him.

Comma after "look".

Instead he was an old tired man. Weary of the days still passing and lost in the forever-moving river of time.

If it was me, I would had put a comma after "instead" and replace the fullstop after man with a comma too.

Overall impressions:

This chapter is very good, but I'm a bit disappointed with some minor aspects of this otherwise well crafted chapter.

I love the imagery that you've used throughout the piece, and especially near the beginning. It is well thought out and really fits well with the current situation regarding the plot. The reason as to why I loved the imagery near the beginning so much is because it really gives an impression as to how helpless he is and how he is exiled from the very society of Atlantis itself. Kudos to you on that.

Dialogue was very well done, though at times, I thought it could had been a bit more creative and not be so trivial and obvious. I think that's partly one of the reasons as to why Zeus and the other members of the council doesn't hold much character development (more on that later).

Probably the main highlight of this chapter would be the actual plot itself. I enjoyed as to the many conflicts (both internal and external) which took place in this chapter as a result of the recent murder. Colin had his memories extracted, but was stopped by another member of the council that it is against the law to be taking a person's memory just to simply prove that Colin is guilty. This is rather interesting, as it makes the reader question the allegiance among the members of the council and their view point of Atlantis.

Colin is then left alone, but was later taken by both Sabrina and Luke in an attempt to deliver him to safety. That failed, when he was recaptured and was to be kept in a high security sanctuary within Atlantis, since he was a suspect of the murder. The members of the council debates amongst themselves as to what has happened as a result of the recent events and how they plan to deal with Colin, for they suspect Colin as the murderer and justice must be served. Two methods were brought up as to how to deal with Colin until they were reminded that Colin is innocent until proven guilty, showing the justice system that operates in Atlantis and very relevant to the plot itself. Colin is released for now, until he is proven guilty in which case, he would be subjected to the favored method of being exiled from Atlantis, which serves to be another important plot point.

Then we are shown more specifically as to the different view points of characters with the justice system of Atlantis. Cain is shown to be the son of Zeus, yet, they aren't close, for they have varying view points. Cain accuses his father, Zeus, for lacking sense due to his decision of sending Colin to the sanctuary, since Colin is not yet proven guilty yet. However, Colin was the closest one to the crime scene, which gives a feasible reasons as to why Colin should be kept in detention and also justifies Zeus's view point quite well. That's quite well thought out in my opinion.

I'm very interested as to what would happen next. The fantasy has a lot of vitality when it comes to the plot, and I can see why as to why you would slowly allow the reader to feel adjusted with Collin's new environment.

Now for the bad things. The first complaint that I'm making depends on really as to how someone (even the author) would view their story. For example, FFXII had moderate amounts of character development, for the story itself is based on political intrigue and the majority rather than the actual characters themselves, hence making it story driven rather than character driven.

In this case. the members of the council seem a bit bland, character wise. I felt as though they were somewhat like cameos taken from several mythologies rather than being adapted to being your characters. Don't get me wrong, you did try to define them in your fantasy, but I personally felt that they could had been more fleshed out. We aren't shown much on the individual characterization of Zeus or other members of the council, other than being shown their place in the plot of "Atlantis". I suggest that you try to flesh them out more, and make them feel more like your own characters.

I also think that Colin's actual thoughts and emotion could have been explored deeper. Though I do have some sympathy for Colin, there isn't much that really makes me think deeper about Colin's thoughts and feelings regarding to what is happening. It's kinda hard for me to actually explain this point, but I felt that a writer of your skill should be able to explore Colin's emotions and thoughts a bit further.

But overall, this is a very gripping and well written chapter, and I'm pleased that I've read the next chapter in this fantasy (even though I wasn't informed that it was up lol probably my fault).

I hope my critique helped.

Andy.

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Nice chapter. I'm a bit lost, as I haven't read pervious entries, but I'll try to catch up. For now, 'll do what I can.

Sleep never found Colin, he stared at the ceiling listening to the over activity of the night.

I think that if you put a full stop after 'sleep never found Colin' and put it into it's own paragraph, it would give the chapter a nice start.

It was clear that death, while not uncommon in Atlantis, had a very devastating effect.

I'm not sure, but shouldn't it be whilst? Or is it different in American English? (or maybe I'm completely wrong)

The tap was faint, barely recognizable from the city buzz, but as Colin looked to his window, someone was floating in front of it. Melissa.

I think a comma after window would go nicely.

I liked this chapter. It really did seem that Colin was becoming an outcast, and there was plenty with which we could see into Colin's mind, so nothign wrong with the character there. There was plenty of emotion flying around.

I'll give it a gold star, but it should have more. I really respect the amount of effort and skill you've put into this.

Hey Adam. Sorry if my critique of this chapter was a bit delayed, I was tired last night and decided to hit the sack. I've printed chapter 14 out and was reading it as I was having lunch with my parents. Using my blue pen, I marked the places where I thought it was rather weird or that it needs more work. I'll be transferring the notes over as well as adding some additional ones as I type this up:

Sleep never found Colin, he stared at the ceiling listening to the over activity of the night. The city was buzzing and every sound made his head throb. Panic was strong, along with fear and sadness. It was clear that death, while not uncommon in Atlantis, had a very devastating effect.

It's a good start to the chapter. You might want to be more specific as to how death had a devastating effect in Atlantis.

“I guess I had to check on you. That was quite the scare at the football stadium. It’s funny really, we’ve only just met and I feel attached.”

Here, you might want to ensure that the dialogue goes into greater depth as to why and how Melissa would start to develop an attachment for Collin.

Silence echoed louder than any word could. “Are you coming to school tomorrow?” Melissa broke the silence, a glimmer of concern in her voice.

It seems so rough that you would use the word "silence" so closely together. Another problem is flow of the sentences. This is because you had two ideas which are similar in concept, but has polar opposite effects. It's like you were indecisive as to which effect you were planning to have here.

Students stared in silence, slowly inching away as Colin passed.

You seem to be quite fond of the word "silence".

He looked back to See A nervous smile from Luke and Sabrina, not much of a comfort.

"see a"

Maybe a ninja will suddenly appear or something. I mean, this can’t be it; this can’t be what they do all day.

In my opinion, this thought bubble was rather random.

“Long, I didn’t even get a chance to take a shower before I had to catch a ride up here. Wonder if Isabella will mind.” Colin shrugged, curious of the same thing. It didn’t take long to figure out however, the moment they opened the door, she created a large orb of clear water.

“How do you expect me to concentrate when your smell is clogging my nose,” she said, passing the water over Jason. “And call me Mrs. McDaniel. Glad you could join us this time Colin, luckily we haven’t been able to get much done lately.” She swirled wind around the now soaked boy, making him dry and rather fluffy

The transition from one scene to the next needs to be more evident and stronger. When I first read it, I thought that Isabella had materialized in the elevator and creating a large orb of water.

Jeez! Colin thought ducking form the flames.

"From".

“I hope both of you are ready to keep up, we’ve lost two days and I do not intend to fall behind.” Her eyes gleamed, and without warning she launched an attack of fire. “Defend yourselves boys, this is combat training and we don’t have time to dilly dally!”

This might be the time to describe the flames a bit more.

The wind sliced his skin, pushing backwards into the wall.

Are you talking about Colin's skin or the wall?

He shrugged, not wanting to admit ho badly he wished it to end.

I noticed that you used "shrugged" earlier. And it should be "how", not "ho".

I think I may have started out to quickly.

"too" quickly.

“We do need to talk.”

Interesting.

Overall impressions:

A good chapter which was quite enjoyable to read and rivets the reader along quite nicely. I believe that I had my pen posed in my hand, reading this piece till the end. So well done to you on that.

Main issues for me would be 1. repetition of words 2. character interactions 3. constant use of thought bubbles and 4. the dialogue.

Firstly, I noticed that you used some words several times throughout the piece, such as"silence", "flushed" , "stared", "shrugged" ,"buzz" , "thought" etc. It really affected the piece, as it makes it feel tedious and not as fresh as it should had been able to.

Secondly, I think there should had been more character interactions happening in this chapter in response to certain actions or events. For example, near the beginning, how did Colin reacted when Melissa told him that she felt a bit of an attachment to Colin? I didn't really see anything that hinted that Colin actually reacted to Melissa's statement. Every action has a consequence, and you need to show that to make character vs character relationships more realistic and grounded.

Thirdly, I think you overused the device of thought bubbles. I dunno, it seems like you are info dumping to us as to how Collin felt. I mean I could understand it being used once or twice, but you came to it time to time again and it seems kinda telling. Considering a writer of your caliber, I think you are able to show us Collin's thoughts and emotions rather than presenting them in thought bubbles.

Lastly, the dialogue really needs more spice to it. Like the last chapter, the dialogue is alright, but it isn't particularly memorable or really reflects the characters in the story. It seems like typical every day dialogue that you would hear on the streets, in school or even the ones spoken out of your mouth. I mean we hear such dialogue every day in our lives, why must we use it in our fictional work as well? It's boring hearing the same way a person speaks. I think it could had been better worded.

Overall, it was a good read, not as good as your last two chapters (I'm biased towards action lol) but it does set up for future conflicts which are to occur in your fantasy.

Get your next chapter up eh?

Andy.

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Finally, chapter 14.

with a twirl that sent her black hair into a spiral she led them through the mass of people waiting in line.

Capital "w".

“This way gentlemen. The gate is al ready to connect. Just stand back for a moment.”

"All".

The arching started to slow, the air started to emit an odd blue hue before the gat started to appear.

"Gate".

“Welcome to the Vault. It is roughly ten thousand years old.”

Seems kinda redunctant to mention how old it is.

He handed Colin a small silver horn shaped like a dragon. “This is incase you ever need help. In your darkest time of need you can always call on me.”

I have a feeling of Chekhov's gun here. Is Collin going to be saved later on at the last minute by it? I hope not, it will seem unrealistic.

Overall impressions:

Pretty good chapter, it looks like the new few chapters will take the plot to a new level. I quite like the bubble messenger. It was good comic relief and gave us more of that Collin/ Mel conversation. Also liked how you describe the transport system in the chapter, it paints quite a good picture for someone who hasn't really experienced it before.

I think you could have explored as to how Collin and Luke would react when they were waiting for the transport. I'm pretty sure they don't sit idle for that long now. You might think that it is irrelevant, but I would have done it to characterize them more.

Also, the guardian near the end seems kinda sterotypical as a character in terms of being the helper. He gives Collin the items necessary as well as foreshadowing a future conflict. Many narratives have such a character. Here, idea hasn't been deviated much from the sterotype. However, considering as he is only a minor character, I think it isn't much of a main issue.

Overall, a good chapter. Keep writing and finish it!

Andy.

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Chapter 16.

Taking full advantage of the time off by humming various notes at the box.

This sentence reads kinda incomplete. There should be another phase to it.

Who? Who would even be able to help Colin solve the puzzle.

Should there be a question mark after "puzzle"?

The massive leather furniture was soft and fluffy, hissing air and sinking when Colin sat down.

"Hissing air"? I get what you mean, but I don't think you used the right word to describe it.

A few more minutes passed in quiet and then came the break. A wafting tune curtseyed its way down the hall and into Colin’s ears. It rang softly, like a bird singing to its lover in the fresh warmth of spring. Where is that coming from? Enchanted by the melody he had to find the source.

Standing quietly, afraid any sudden movement would frighten the delicacy of the sound, he strode forward. Caressing the hallway with ninja-esque agility he found himself at the last door on the right. Melissa’s door was slightly cracked, the music beaming through along with the setting sun. He pushed on it gently, permitting both light and sound to wash over him.

The problem with this part is that it all happens too quickly and as a result, there isn't that much showing of how Colin feels or reacts when he heard the sound. If you hear a sudden sound, I'm pretty sure you would take some time to reflect on what it is.

“Hate to burst your bubble, but I’m just barely using my power.” A lie, a very obvious and boyish lie. She was trying to distract him, make him lose his concentration. The door was shaking, pieces of it splintering off to the ground.

I quite like this bit, as I'm sure a lot of people can associate with it.

Overall impressions:

Firstly, the chapter is called "Suspect number 1", yet, about 75% of the chapter has little relevance to it. It was mostly about Collin meeting up with his friends and chilling out together.

There seems to be two different points to this chapter: Collin chilling out with his friends and Hades' stubborn suspicion of Collin as a murderer. However, there is little connection between these two points. You could basically not show that Hades is still suspecting Collin and it won't change the overall idea of the chapter at all. But if you do that, then there's no relevance in having that particular chapter title. I'm thinking that you should either find a way to link the first point (Collin chilling out with his friends) with that of Hades' suspicion of Collin. By that, I mean doesn't Collin's friends have any suspicion that he could be the one that murdered Lamont? Why do they trust him so dearly? What about the society (i.e the passengers in the travelling sequences), why do they not fully suspect him as a murderer?

I just think there isn't a strong enough conflict between Collin and his friends at times. Some of the conflicts that they have don't really have much of an impact on the novel as a whole.

The second problem that I have is your pacing. There were moments where I think you should had added more emphaisis on certain scenes (eg: When Collin is with his friends). I think you are too focused on showing mundane things that do not have a big impact on the novel. Because you show that, the pacing feels rather uniform and even. However, when there is an opportunity for further characterisation and important plot points, you don't elaborate on it further since the pacing is so evenly spread out. Hence, when you are rewriting this, you need to tighten up your narrative structure. The Hades' scene could had been a lot more powerful, but it feels luke-warm; he doesn't fit the role of an antagonist that well.

Lastly, I wonder as to why you chose to link emotions to magic. There doesn't seem much of a focus to it. Personally, I think there should be. What is the point of linking emotions to magic? What sort of conflicts occur because of this? I won't go into too much detail with this point as I want you to think on this a bit more. I just feel you aren't using this concept to the fullest potential.

I hope this helped.

Andy.

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Colin took a deep breath. He was next to present and the butterflies in his stomach were growing restless.

I dislike using "butterflies in his stomach". It's a near cliche way to show that he is uneasy.

Jason’s sigh of relief was like a panic button for Colin, it as his turn now.

What effect are you intending with a simile for "panic button"? It doesn't seem to fit well.

I think you can also omit "it as his turn now". It doesn't seem necessary to me.

The walls weren’t judging Colin, their blank stares had no thought of judgment or doubt, they were just empty.

"They were just empty" would have been a much more powerful phase to the audience if it was a broken off and made as a new sentence.

Her breath was soft and quick across his face as he came closer. His heart was pounding in his chest, beating his ribs like a xylophone.

Now that simile I like, as it represents Collin well.

I have a quick little quiz for you all to take before we start lecture, just to make sure you’ve all kept up with the reading.”

"the lecture".

Nothing to difficult if anyone had bothered to read the chapters.

"too".

“Colin!” Melissa wrapped her arms around him happily, lips locking onto his.

“Eww,” Clarissa covered her eyes, “I don’t want to see that.”

“Well too bad,” Colin laughed, “You’ll just have to have your eyes
removed.”

The characterization here seems forced. Melissa is suddenly happy with the idea of displaying her affection to Collin?

Overall impressions:

Overall, I like this, there are plot and character developments occurring than the last chapter. Hades is shown to be quite an antagonist to Colin due to his manipulative and stalker-ish type of behaviour against Colin.

Like last time, I'll just cover what you could improve on. Firstly, I find the romance lukewarm at best. It doesn't seem Melissa gave much thought on why she decided to kiss Colin, but seems more of an impulsive sort of thing. I would really you to show some hints as to why she likes Colin. A kiss is a powerful display of love, and if a person has a desire to kiss someone else, I'm pretty sure there is some thought/ internal conflict before hand to decide if such an action is appropriate. Colin may seem like quite a nice and innocent guy, but is does that alone merit Melissa's actions?

And why is Melissa suddenly comfortable with the idea of kissing Colin in public?

I think you should focus on Melissa's reasons for liking Colin in such a way. Consider background influences (eg: Does she belong in a family where she is not respected, hence making it seem feasible that she likes Colin since Colin respects her?), character similarities and differences (eg: What Melissa lacks, Colin supplements her) etc. Right now, I don't understand fully as to why she decides to kiss Colin.

Another point I want to make is how I didn't like the emphasis placed on the physical appearance of Melissa at the time.

Colin looked up at her, she was radiant. Her skin glowed in the fluorescence of the bathroom, making her seem all the more angelic.

When I read it, I had a slight feeling that the romance was more on the physical appearances rather than the characteristics of the characters themselves. This makes the romance seem unconvincing since it swings more on physical attraction than liking another for whom they are. What would work better in my opinion is if Melissa discusses her feelings for Colin in a mature manner before they move their relationship up. It shows reasons as to why Melissa likes Collin and whether or not Colin is comfortable with the idea. It will make Colin consider her friendship for Melissa and whether what emotions, thoughts and opinions they've shared is worth it to be moved up the next level. That is much more convincing, as both characters have to integrate themselves as a character and how it will work out in a romance type relationship.

Another thing was that the kiss scene occurred in a toilet. A toilet is a place where a person would go to do their private business. Rebels in society would manipulate the private sanctuary of the toilets in order to conduct more sinister acts which are looked down by the society (eg: smoking in toilets, drug dealing, beating someone up in the toilets etc despite it being such a unhygienic place).

These my opinions only, but I hope you will consider them. Hope my review helped.