Don't take me back.

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This is just a short story I wrote. I think this goes here...but yeah. I hope you guys like it. :)



She stood there. Her dress was swaying with the wind, and her long brown hair was moving around in every direction. Flashes off red reflected on her face from the sirens below. At first it was peaceful and calm, but now she was afraid. A man gripped her around her middle and yanked her off the ledge of the building. He was wearing a police uniform. He walked her down all of the stairs telling her things, but she wasn’t listening. They walked outside and everyone rushed around her. She tried to get away but the man had her in a tight grip. He helped her up into an ambulance and shut the doors. There was a woman in there. She held her hand and talked to her.

“It’ll be all right.” She said. “We’re going to get you some help.” After a few minutes of silence the woman spoke again. “What’s your name, dear?”

“M-Mallory.” she said quietly.

“Ok Mallory. We’re here. The doctors just have to do a few tests to see if you’re ok. Then they’ll take you home.” Mallory looked at her with big eyes.

“No! Please! Don’t take me back there!” Just then, they stopped moving. Two men opened the doors.

“You’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” She smiled and the men took her.


She woke up in a small white room. He was looking down at her and smiling.

“You gave us quite a scare, Mally.” He stroked her face with the back of his hand. She pushed it away and whimpered.

“Don’t call me Mally.” She breathed. She sat up and spotted Tammy in the chair in the corner, asleep. “Where’s Lilah?”

“Look. Mallory. Lilah ran away last night. I’m sorry.” She looked at him with such hatred and disgust.

“You’re lying.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You are lying. What did you do to her?”

“Mallory, I know this is hard, but please don’t blame me.”

“No…you didn’t…” She looked at him and started crying. “I can’t believe you!” She shouted.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“You killed her! Now you’re after me!” Mallory jumped out the bed and ran out of the room screaming. He ran after her. Two doctors grabbed her and tried to calm her down. She screamed at the top of her lungs when he walked up to them.

“Is this your daughter?” one of the two doctors asked.

“Yeah she-“

“No! I am not! He’s a murderer! He’s gonna kill me!” She struggled in their grip.

“Sir, if you don’t mind.” The doctor said.

“Well I do. I’m not going anywhere.” Mallory screamed again.

“Sir. You’re making her upset. Please.”

“No! I won’t.”

“This is no longer a request. It’s an order. Go to the waiting room or be removed.” He muttered something and walked towards the waiting room. Mallory was breathing hard and still crying.

“It’s alright he’s gone now. Dr. Johnson, I think you can go now.” He said to the other doctor and walked her back to her room.

“So, Mallory, is it?” She nodded. “Do you want to tell me who that man was?”

“He-He’s my foster dad.”

“Oh. So where are your real parents?”

“I dunno. We got in a big crash. Only me and Lilah made it out.”

“And who is Lilah?”

“She was my little sister.”

“Was? What happened?”

“They said she ran away, but Lilah would never run away. He killed her. I know it.”

“He, being your foster dad?”

“Yes. Now he’s trying to kill me.”

“Did he really try and kill you?”

“No…but I know he will.”

“Well, if he hasn’t done anything then we can’t do anything.” He grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled a number on it. “This is my office number. If he tries anything, you tell me.”

“I don’t want to go back. Please. Don’t take me back.”

“I’m sorry, but he’s in charge of you.” That moment he came in and threw some clothes on the bed.

“Doctor. If you don’t mind. She needs to get dressed.” He walked out and the doctor followed. She could hear them talking still as she pulled on a pair of jeans.

“I never caught your name.” The doctor said.

“It’s Jeff.”

“Well Jeff, take care of her. She’s a special girl.” She woke Tammy up and then walked out of the room.

“Ready to go Mally?” He said, smiling.

“Don’t call me Mally.” She said and walked down the hall.


He opened the door and walked in. Mallory stepped in the house then took a few steps back. It smelled strongly of bleach.

“What did you do in here?” she asked, as she slowly walked in.

“Spring cleaning.” He growled.

“But it’s November…”

“It’s none of your business.” He snapped. She walked up the stairs and went into her room. Lying on her bed, she looked at the ceiling and let her tears pour freely. He walked in and slammed the door behind him.

“What were you thinking?” He yelled.

“Wha-what do you mean?

“You thought you were gonna be rescued? He smacked her across the face. She put her hand to her cheek and grabbed the phone. She dialed the doctor’s number and started to call. He ripped the phone out of her hand and threw it.

“The police can’t help you!”


“Hello. Doctor Anders’ office. How can I help you?” He could hear an angry voice in the background.

“…worthless! You’ll never…” He heard other curses and screams.

“Hello?” A man’s voice came from the other line.

“Yes. This is Doctor Anders. I was called. Is everything alright?”

“Everything is fine.” He heard him curse and a few loud bangs. Then a thud.

“Thanks for checking on us. But we’re fine.” Then the man hung up.
"After it happened I thought that I'd just try to live as normally as possible and bury it, but things like that don't stay buried. I didn't think it would, but it taints your whole life."

"My desires were bestial, obviously." -Jeffery Dahmer.




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Wow, hardcore! Are you continueing with this? Cause you really should!! Its one of the best short stories i have ever read! Make it so shes not dead, and shes faking, so when he tries to hide the body, she gets out, and is on the run!

Well, maybe not that crazy, but have it continue, its really great so far!
It's ok to be a kid sometimes,

it's what keeps old people young

and young people growing!




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INTENSE!

btw--hi from tw!!!

and whoa is that dramatic. But very good. You definetly know your dialogue.
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----to kill or not to kill




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COOL! i loved it. It was really dramatic in the end, so sudden, and I mean I expected it, but not in that way!

Some things: It was confusing because you said "she did this, she did that" a lot, and sometimes I didn't know who you meant: Mallory or one of the doctors. So just a bit of character confusion there.
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




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Yes, it goes here. ^_^

Now... for the critique!

The story was cool and the ending was pretty dramatic, so you get full points on that. I like how you put more emphasis on the outer action than the inner action; that is, you spend less time in Mallory's thoughts and more time on the action that is going on. That's cool, because then we don't have to wallow in angst and just be swept away from the dramaticness of it all. And I like it that the dialogue is the main focus of the story and carries it to its final, sad, ending.

So basically, I liked the story. ;)

Now! To be nit-picky!

You start off like it's a fanasy piece. That is, you have the girl with the long brown hair watching the scene below her. And I don't know, but this seems to me a pretty cliched beginning, so you either have to change where it starts or make it more original. I would make it more original. I realize that it would kill the piece if you go into the Mallory's mind too much, but you can always describe her movements and body language, and that will help you show the story. At the moment, where you say she was calm, but now she isn't, that's you telling us what is happening. Show, don't tell.

Now, I didn't really like the dialogue done as it was, and though it's probably a matter of preference for my part, I like description being spread throughout. So I would like to see description of the hospital room, description of her foster dad, and any other ting that would hint to me of his true character. Also, I love description of body language because most times, there is more to what is said then just the words.

So yeah. In general, add more description and I will be happy. But a good story nonetheless. Kind of freaky ending... sad.

EDIT:

Aaaaaaaaand, before I forget, the dialogue grammar is kind of messed up, but as that's only mechanics and not the story, it's an easy fix, so you can do it. :D

Here's a link of examples on how to do dialogue grammar properly:

http://snoink.com/kn/writing/mechanics/1.php
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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This has the potential to be really powerful. I love the concept. It's very well-written. This would require a great amount of editing, but I think that I have a suggestion that, combined with what you have, could make a very, very powerful piece.

One of the things I love about this piece was how you told the story from Mallory's point of view so well. It was not a narrative, but it felt very much like it, and seemed as if it was from a child's eyes. However, I think that you should try to delve more into this narrative style. Take it even further. Show everything, tell nothing. Describe "he". It's so good that he doesn't have a name, but describe how he would look through a child's eyes and bias everything... he may have skipped a day shaving, but to his abused foster child, it's a menacing bush of a beard, or his teeth may be slightly crooked, but it's even more exaggerated to Mallory. Everything has room for more description like this, and it would make for a very, very powerful scene.

Also, a couple more things:

"At first it was peaceful and calm, but now she was afraid."

At first what as peaceful and calm? The atmosphere? And why?

"He walked her down all of the stairs telling her things, but she wasn’t listening."

You should take out "all of" and replace "telling her things" with "talking to her", because it just doesn't flow right right now.

Good job. It was wonderful.
~Faith T




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This was really good! The idea was nice the dialouge was great and the characters were interesting. The beginning to me though (when she was going into the ambulance) was kind of confusing. There were parts where I didn't know what was going on or what the trasition was. Also the beginning would do to be just a tad bit longer so it's more descriptive. Other than that it was great. I hope you write more to this!

Keep it up!
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Sup Lindsay. I thought this was pretty good. Hence, I should nit pick for you now

Then they’ll take you home.” Mallory looked at her with big eyes.


Big doesn't really meet the high standard that you've set in this story doll face :)

She looked at him with such hatred and disgust


Could had been described better.

When it came to the dialogue, I thought there could be a bit more action (e.g: shuffling their feet etc etc)

I think the ending could be better. When I read short stories, I want the ending to be nice and sharp :)

Overall Lindsay my doll face, a job well done :D
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Lindsay, great job, it was one of the best short stories I've read. Hopefully there's part two! Can't wait for it!

-Max
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This is a good, little story Lindsay. I have to agree that some extra description would be nice and I'd like it if you explained who Tammy is but, other than that, it was very interesting and the ending was sad but at least you didn't say she's definitely dead. As the other have mentioned, your dialogue is really strong which is great but you should support it with some good actions that express a bit more characterization and some vivid descriptions.

Just one typo to point out -

Flashes off [Should be of.] red reflected on her face from the sirens below.

Altogether, a good little story and I'd love to read any changes you make.
Writing Gooder

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