The Accused

The Accused
By Claudette

“There are crowds of people all around, shouting, clamor, ten thousand face, ten thousand eyes—you have to bear it all, but the main thing is the thought: ‘there’s ten thousand of them, and they’re not executing any of them, but they’re executing me!’”—The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky


Pavel Ippolitovich disliked his shackles, he disliked that, upon walking into the cart, he had stepped into animal droppings, and he especially disliked that he was going to be killed today.

“I didn’t do it,” Pavel mumbled to the driver, who could be seen through the slates of the window.

“Of course you didn’t, but I’m just the driver. You should tell that to the man at the scaffold.”

The driver slid the wood block over the window, and closed Pavel into the dark. He sat down on the floor of the cart. Pavel knew this cart was normally used to move animals to other towns, but on occasions like this it had to be used to move prisoners. An animal to the slaughter, is that what I am?

“I didn’t do it!” he shouted. The driver said nothing.

The cart jumped on the rocky path. Pavel couldn’t hear anything except for the trod of horse hooves and the wheels rolling over stone. It was better than the constant silence within prison.

“Will we be there soon? I need to tell them, please let me tell them when I get there. I didn’t do it!”

The driver pulled the block away from the window, and light pierced darkness.

“We’ll be there when I take you out. I told you I’m only the driver; you can’t beg me for your life. Besides, we know you killed her. You told everyone you killed her.”

“I did not!” Pavel’s words were silenced by the wooden block again. Did the driver realize he was taking a man to his death? He was the earthly boatman over the river Styx—only the river was a rocky path and the boatman a local peasant.

“I did not do it,” he whispered.

Pavel tried to ignore thoughts of what was to come. He counted the wooden slates that made the cart’s walls as a means of avoidance. He started to examine them closer: the holes in places, the light that seeped through the cracks, the letters carved into some areas. This will be your end, do not enjoy it was scratched into the wood over and over again in one corner. Pavel realized he wasn’t the only man to ride this cart to death, but he felt no empathy for the ones that came before him. He wasn’t guilty, why should he feel what they had? Perhaps because he was being taken to the same place: his death.

They will lay the rope around my neck, onto my shoulders. Position me in the right spot, so I fall just when they decide. Maybe they’ll let me suffer for a while, asking myself if I will hang now. No, now. Now? Then finally they’ll pull it and I’ll drop, surprised, and feel the blood rush into my cheeks and the air being locked out, and my eyes will roll and turn blue. Or maybe my neck will snap and I’ll die too quickly to notice anything.

Pavel failed to keep from thinking nasty things. He continually saw himself swaying from right to left on the rope, until they cut him down and threw his body into the pit, with other men.

He rubbed his face and felt how dirty it was. Dirt under his nails, pressed into his pores. They could have cleaned me before killing me, give me some honor. Pavel was horrified. The moment the cart stops, so does everything else.

And when it did stop, he leapt to his feet, “I did not do it!”

Pavel heard someone fumble with the locks, then the door swung open. The light jumped into the cart and chased the dark out. It singed Pavel’s eyes as they adjusted.

“I told you already. I am the driver.” He grabbed Pavel’s shackles and pulled him out. “You’re terribly annoying, and for that, I’m glad they are hanging you.”

Now out of the cart, Pavel could see the awaiting scaffold. It was a stage with a swarm of viewers eager to see the show, rather than a contraption of death. Pavel’s stomach caught fire and dropped at the sight. He was their feast, and they would devour every piece of him with their eyes. As he was lead up the steps to the scaffold, he lowered his eyes.

“Here is Pavel Ippolitovich Chemerkin, who is to be hanged for murder,” spoke the executioner to the crowd.

“Sir, I am not guilty!” Pavel cried.

The executioner laughed. “I am not a judge, young man.”

Pavel’s gaze swung to the crowd as the noose was pulled around his neck. He recognized the angelic face near the front, and his heart jumped from his chest.

“Marfa Fedotova, tell them I did not do it! You know I did not do it!”

Marfa shook, undoubtedly on the verge of hysterics.

“You were there, you saw everything. Was it I who killed your daughter?”

The execution chuckled while tightening the noose. “Tell us, Marfa Fedotova, did he kill your daughter?”

Her sobs and shaking stopped altogether. She suddenly gained composure. “Yes.”

Pavel felt a chill run down his back. It felt like he had buried himself in snow; the chill spread throughout him. “Marfa, please, tell them I did not—”

The body dropped, and Marfa heard it’s neck snap. It convulsed, then ceased to move. She crossed herself and prayed.

“Did he really kill your daughter?” a man whispered.

Marfa trembled. “No, but someone needed to be blamed.”

---

I certainly think I have bumps in some parts, but otherwise, I really enjoyed writing this. All critiques are greatly appreciated. Some things I'm concerned about: 1. the sudden depersonalization/POV change. 2. The ending. 3. the characterization of Pavel. If I could get comments on these, I'd be so happy. ^_^

That was...chilling. To say in the least! I definitely didn't expect that ending, and I really liked this story! It was a successful portrayal of an extremely short period of time, and good job on that! Just one suggestion:

On this sentence, reverse the dialogue tags.

He shouted, "I didn't do it."

Won't sound as awkward. Perhaps add an exclamation point to emphasize his desperation?

Besides being extremely well-written, it was based off The Idiot. That's automatic brownie points in my book!

Wigs

Clau-chan!

Very yummy story, as usual- the narrative doesn't draw too much attention to itself, leaving the dialogue in the spotlight, but under closer inspection...it's totally yummy. *attempts to make sense.*

And Pavel was a good character. He was obviously adamant about something, but to an understandable extent- not overly dramatic; just human. Just the way we like it. ^_~

Before we start: it's the river Styx. Like the band, ne? The Greeks are weird in that regard.

POTTER SYNDROME: You know how in the Harry Potter books, older wizards can 'apparate' to certain places- can show up instantaneously? That's a bit what Pavel did upon the gallows. You didn't bring a whole lot of attention to the fact that the driver led him up to the place of his death [which most people are bound to think a significant event], and rather passed up an opportunity for lovely, dark thoughts.

So- what to do? Drag it out. Make sure we see Pavel sweat. Otherwise, the story takes place mainly in the carriage, and the big bang should be at the gallows.

Also, make sure we know what Pavel sees. I always ramble about a photograph from the hangings of Lincoln's assassins- they had the graves fresh dug, with open coffins, next to the scaffold, so that the accused had to step over their soon-to-be final resting place in order to go die. It's a deliciously dark photograph; I'll have to find it for you. *history nerd moment*

HUMAN CONTRADICTION: I get the sense that Marfa is important, but you sort of confused me with the line about 'even in hysterics, her voice didn't shake". Readers automatically assume when it's someone with a female name in hysterics, they are leaping about and screeching and crying- and so you've just negated everything we've been expecting.

What to do? Show her calm down a little. That'll give you space for a nice dramatic pause, which is needed in tandem with the bit I rambled about earlier...making the scene at the gallows more melodramatic and long?

__

Good story, Tilly- if you've any questions, you know where to hunt me down. ^_^

Hey Claudette! Very awesome story in my opinion. I only found a few typos and things, since it's very well written.

He shouted, “I didn’t do it.” The driver said nothing.

Same thing said above. Just reverse the tag and add an exclamation mark. In it's current form it sorta made me cringe.

And I didn't think the POV change at the end worked that well either. I don't know why, but a story seems to jerk violently when that happens. I would consider changing this, possibly figuring out a way to stay in one POV?

Also, the end was abrupt. Like Sam was saying, try to build it up some more, to increase the drama and whatnot.

But on the whole it was very well written.


MM

Hey Clau! This is for the contest =D Remember, you've got two more fancy detailed critiques! =D

Pavel Ippolitovich disliked his shackles, he disliked that, upon walking into the cart, he had stepped into animal droppings, and he especially disliked that he was going to be killed today.

It's a good first line, but it's messy. Something about it. It could be that there are too many comma's, too many stops in it. It could be that I felt it should have been more sentences, I could be wrong, but I had to read it several times to adopt the odd flow of it.

They will lay the rope around my neck, onto my shoulders. Position me in the right spot, so I fall just when they decide.

Comma after shoulders? This sounds more like one thought than two.

The moment the cart stops, so does everything else.

Ah. The story is in past tense, is it not? So why is this one sentence in present?

1. POV Change- Unlike Magicman, it worked well for me. If not sudden. But isn't that was having your neck snapped is like? The POV change was essential to the story, it needed to be said that he wasn't guilty, after it was too late. It's influence on the story makes any awkwardness fogivable.

2. The Ending- It could have been drawn out a lot more. These are the mans final moments. I agree with sam, this should be the focus of the story. He's going to die, and he knows it. What is he thinking? What is he going to miss? What does he appriciate? Death should impact him more than it does.

3. Parvel- Well, I didn't know him, I didn't get to know him, I didn't feel for him as he died. He was a man in a cart going to die. You could have pulled the reader into his mind, showed them the situation. Maybe make it unclear in a way that showed doubt to the reader of whether he did it. Show his feelings, those are the ways to deepen a character and make him even more real to people. Many people don't believe animals have emotion, so therefore, they can kill bugs without a twitch of remorse. In this story, Parvel was much like a bug to me. He had no feelings, and I had no remorse.

My Comments:

Something I noticed that could have been improved on was Parvels sudden burst of inspirations. One minute quiet, and the next yelling. Those are opportunities you could use to take the reader into his mind and explore a lot of what I said in 2 and 3. It could help a lot with character development.

Although, the writing was simple and brilliant. There was just enough detail not to bore the reader into insanity while still creating a clear vivid picture. Oh, and when I say simple, I mean not overdone. =D JK Rowling for example, is detail overkill in my eyes, it makes it hard to get into the story and focus on whats going on. She tries to make the reader see something so much that that's all the story becomes about. While in contrast, your writing style is clearer in that it allowes the reader to enter the story easily, while still leaving enough to the imagination to create a great scene =D

Overall, great job. I really enjoyed reading this!!!

Keep up the good work! =D

-JC

Claudette wrote:
“There are crowds of people all around, shouting, clamor, ten thousand faces, ten thousand eyes—you have to bear it all, but the main thing is the thought: ‘there’s ten thousand of them, and they’re not executing any of them, but they’re executing me!’”—The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky


The executioner chuckled while tightening the noose. “Tell us, Marfa Fedotova, did he kill your daughter?”

My my, You certainly have a knack for writing these sort of things. Mud. It was really cool. I think it can be stronger. This man is facing death and he appeared a bit calm throughout. I kinda thought he'd be a little more hysterical. Not a lot, just a little.

And I wanna kill the lady, Someone needed to be blamed. So sad and true. Nice work Clau.

chilling. But very good. Everyone else has crtitted before me so i dont have anything to write except it was very good.

some errors here and there but nothing too major.

I really liked it.

Maybe, in the first few paragraphs, you could find another word for "cart" -- that seems to be repeated a lot.

"Pavel failed to keep from thinking nasty things."

I didn't really like this sentence: I think the word "nasty" could be replaced by something better. It just struck me wrong.

"Did the driver realize he was taking a man to his death? He was the earthly boatman over the river Styx—only the river was a rocky path and the boatman a local peasant."

Great parallel.

I could see the end coming, but it's a suitable one for this story. It makes a point.

The story was the perfect length; I didn't feel like it went on too long or it ended abruptly.

Nice job on this!

Prokaryote

I thought this was awesome. I liked the idea and I thought it was really interesting and engaging.

And I agree, Pavel doesn't 'come out' quite as much as I think that he should, given the power behind the piece, how it's written, and what it's written about. He talks a lot, and notices a lot about his surroundings, but as far as lines like this: "Pavel felt a chill run down his back. It felt like he had buried himself in snow; the chill spread throughout him."... I feel like there wasn't enough. A lot of what Pavel was feeling or felt on the ride to his execution felt like guesswork on my part based on how someone would typically feel on their way to their execution. I think that a flashback or two would be really, really interesting to insert.

As far as the ending, I think that if we got a clue as to how Marfa chose Pavel or why, that would be nice, too. Even if he was a random pick, it would be nice to have that mentioned or implied.

I really liked it. I haven't read a short story from this point of view before.

Pavel realized he wasn’t the only man to ride this cart to death, but he felt no empathy for the ones that came before him.

I would change 'this cart to death', to 'this cart of death'. Makes it sound more sinister.

I think that Marfa did it.

As I said over messenger, you have a knack for the sad and heartwrending.

A wonderful story. Very good, I loved it.

-Pros

“I did not do it,” he whispered.

This is the first time he doesn't say, "I didn't do it!" Make it important. Italicize "not" to have a greater effect.

Anyway, fun stuff. I can tell that you enjoyed writing it, because, frankly, I enjoyed reading it.

Privyet, Claudya. ^_^


To begin-- LINE AND LINES...[of linr-by-line interlude]:

Perhaps because he was being taken to the same place:[STRIKE] his [/STRIKE]death.

Perhaps, for emphasis and precision -

...the same place: Death

And naturally, that connects to the allusion to the river Styx. ^_^

Pavel failed to keep from thinking nasty things. He continually saw himself swaying from right to left on the rope, until they cut him down and threw his body into the pit, with other men.

You're rather reitierating with Pavel's failure to keep nasty things out of his head. Apparently, he's been thinking on the morbid. Rather than state what you'be shown, why not illustrate more? What does he look or feel like, with the noose on his mind?  Is his stomach knotted? Has he eaten, forgotten to, feel hungry thinking nasty things? Are his knuckles white, his throat tight?

There's something somewhat Dostoyevsky - or perhaps more Chekhov about the simple statement. Dostoyevsky manages it by adding dozens of details following.

It singed Pavel’s eyes as they adjusted.

Oy, I love the word 'singe' - but singing tends to leave a mark, yes? Possible rewording--

It seared Pavel’s eyes as they adjusted.

Pavel’s stomach caught fire and dropped at the sight. He was their feast, and they would devour every piece of him with their eyes. As he was lead up the steps to the scaffold, he lowered his eyes.

An apt illustration of what I noted above about showing in the moment of nasty thoughts. ^_^

Then for the 'feast' bit though. o0' As it stands, it falls rather disconnect from both reader and character. It's an objective observation about something grotesque and rather horrific. Doubtless, the understatement an brilliant device in fiction - but  I think sparingly might be the best way to manage it.

And Pavel feeling like a feast on stage would jolt were it connected.

Like so, mozhet?

Pavel’s stomach caught fire and dropped at the sight. He felt like a feast laid out, like the pieces of him were to be cut and sauced and strewn about and for a panicked second, he imagined his broken body hanging and the crowd pressing in to grasp and pull apart -- [STRIKE]He was their feast, and they would devour every piece of him with their eyes.[/STRIKE]

As he was lead up the steps to the scaffold, he lowered his eyes.

Oy, 'tis distinctly in nitpicking shades there. A suggestion.



CHARACTER, IN LIGHT OF SPOKEN WORDS, DA? --

For the beginning, though you set the scene deftly Clau - names and the brevity with which you paint the cart - there's some disparity between the setting, Pavel and teh driver.

Somehow, it seems as if the driver might just as well be a shade himself on the river Styx. He responds as he ought; but sometimes as if the thing matters nechevo, nothing, and sometimes otherwise. He is, apparently, bored and sarcastic in the first. Of course you didn't. Then he remarks rather more earnestly We know you did it. You told everyone you did it.

Er, did Pavel tell everyone he did it? How could he? Was he drunk? He's quite adamant he didn't do it!. Even Marfa knows, he couldn't have!

Though the driver the tells him he told the whole town? o0' It was a detail that stuck in my mind, as something incongruous up to the end. ^_^

Then as for distance and disparity:  There doesn't seem much connection between when Pavel bursts out in 'didn't's'. Apparently, he's sure of his innocence. But is he begging the driver or convincing himself or merely half-hysterical, blurting out loud his panic?

It's not necassarily something that needs writing into the narrative. But it needs to be something well-considered and known to the author. ^^ As it is, I have the odd sense that he merely cries out when the general narrative needs a break from introspection or description. ^_^' Let him change, begin by begging or insisting to the driver, slip to murmuring to himself, shout at the end, as a denoument I did noot do it!.


On a silight side note --

“I told you already. I am the driver.” He grabbed Pavel’s shackles and pulled him out. “You’re terribly annoying, and for that, I’m glad they are hanging you.”

That, I would say, is the neatest characterisation of the driver in dialogue; not to mention, there's something definitively Russian about it. ^_~ While the French may be flippantly blase, the Russian's are morbidly nonchalant.


NARRATIVE STYLE, EELEE NYET? --

As I noted in the l.b.l., you go for a 19th century understatement at times. But not entirely nor consistently and not followed by Dostoyevsky rather characteristic floor-length paragraph. Which do you want? If this is to affect the reader, you need the character to come through the situation.

One can't dismiss Raskolnikov becauce one knows him so well - reading Crime & Punishment, you are in his head, however mad or morbid that is. Well, yes, this is a short story. But for the style you've set up so far, you still hover on the edge of being blunt and concrete and being ironic and understated.

Use telling and understatement sparingly in a short. Unfortunately, with so little room, you've little time to let it take effect or be illustrated.



YA NYE VR'U [IN OTHER WORDS, NOT LYING --

To close, Clau, I enjoyed this more than a little. You've hit both a startlingly scene; and tangible character.  Though I've nit-picked, as it were, I loved the atmosphere which was noticeably Russian-esque. ^_~ What I've noted above is merely to close it all on consistency. It still feels slightly hazy on details and intent - like something written well but once and quickly.

Fyeso kharaevo, da?


[ Courtesy of the CCF: tagged by 'The Imp' Melnikov ]

Claudette wrote:Pavel Ippolitovich disliked his shackles, he disliked that, upon walking into the cart, he had stepped into animal droppings, and he especially disliked that he was going to be killed today.

I loved that opening line, it was really effective and even, for some strange reason, made me smile.

“I didn’t do it!” he shouted. The driver said nothing.

I have no idea why, but I think this would read better as "I didn't do it!" he shouted. This time the driver said nothing.

I've no idea why though.

The last line is rather chilling.


Well my only issue was that the executioner did all the talking and announcing while I think there would have been a sort of...I can't think of a word, public speaker, maybe town crier, to do all the shouting. Executioners are normally silent and keep their faces and voices hidden for security reasons - lynch mobs/angry family members can be a problem, I suppose.


Other than that I really enjoyed it. It was short and kept the interest going, none of the scenes dragged on and I thought the comparison to the boatman on the Styx to be genius.

Well done!

Hello Suzie! Initial thought - you have a chilling, well written little story. Second thoughts - this would work really well in present tense and if the ending is more unexpected. I think it would be very dramatic and it would stand out more. Also, perhaps describe the hanging more? Linger on the gruesome details, maybe? Here's a few small points too -

Pavel couldn’t hear anything except for the [s]trod[/s] tread of horse hooves and the wheels rolling over stone.

Pavel realized he wasn’t the only man to ride this cart to death, but he felt no empathy for [s]the ones that[/s] those who came before him.

The body dropped, and Marfa heard [s]it’s[/s] its neck snap.

________________
There you go. After you've took another look at it and maybe made some changes, feel free to pm me or talk to me over msn and I can give you some more in depth suggestions.

Heather xx

Few brief things.

Pavel Ippolitovich disliked his shackles, he disliked that, upon walking into the cart, he had stepped into animal droppings, and he especially disliked that he was going to be killed today.

I do like the tapping into of the Russian stoic sardonic wit, sucker for zeugma as I am. It sets up your tone, on its own, perhaps it would be considered laboured, but in context, it fits well.

I like the Mamet like lack of exposition, no framing just the scene says what you want to say. Dostoevsky a strong influence, with a little Poe, and actually "the Dream" by O Henry.

You're dialog didn't do all that much for me, compared with the sting it usually inflicts, it was a little bland compared to your thought and perspective, which were much more artful. Some sharp graphic sense imagery would aid your cause, esp with the smell of the animal crap, and the sweat. If you've smelled old old jails, and trucks where animals have been taken to the abattoir, the sweat in panic and despair, it soaks deep into metal and stone especially and just, it's toxic, it's hell you could bottle. Eau de Nihilism, this thought that we are all animals in the end, cornered desperate rats, soiling ourselves in some pathetic attempt to leave our mark on the world, even in a shit stain.

Your characterization problems with Pavel are all in the dialogue, give it a bit of the feel of the last act of the Crucible nobility if you want the more weighty tragedy, or, well you could make it grungier, more realistic, but don't go researching down that ways, it destroys you.

The ending is perhaps a little stilted but I think that works for the shock of it, likewise the change with the POV. You're good, it's good, s'all good.

But this is topical and apt, there are some good moments here, and a whole lot of potential. Be proud.