With Wood and Resin

May I press my fingers firmly on your neck?
As your skin rubs off on mine?
And my head lays against your hip
Supporting
The smooth vibrations that surround me
And you?
Would you allow me to strike my hair against you...
Forcefully
Sweetly
A capriccio
Con fuoco
Piu, piu,
Morendo...
Let me take a peek inside of you...
Hollow, yet
You sound so full
Made in China
Made in France
But you came here just for me
To graze an object's
Form of Braille
And translate it
For the musically challenged
And beauty-impaired.

Edit by bubblewrapped: Rated PG-13 just in case, as is slightly suggestive.

I enjoyed this. I would have never got it if you hadn't said it was about your violin. It is a very interesting way to describe it.

Of course i tend to over look the painfully obvious clues. *feels stupid* nicely done.

A much, much better way to relate string instruments to sex than the others I've seen. So props on that. My main gripe was that you uses ellipses (...) in places where they weren't needed, and it made the piece seem gimmicky and amateur. Also, the third question, expecially with the current line breaks, didn't at all feel like it was being asked, and that made for awkward reading. Beyond that, you don't need to capitalize the first letter of every line, in fact I'd advise you against it.

Rhythmically Yours,
~Ed

I liked this. Very subtle and well expressed. A few nit-picks:

May I press my fingers firmly on your neck?
As your skin rubs off on mine?
And my head lays against your hip
Supporting
The smooth that surround me
And you?

All of this should be one question, otherwise it's weird. Also, dont capitalize every line - it diminishes the impact. So it should read:

May I press my fingers firmly on your neck
as your skin rubs off on mine,
and my head lies against your hip
supporting
the smooth vibrations that surround me
and you?

I am also uncertain about the one- and two-word lines "supporting" and "and you" - I think they break up the flow. Perhaps sort out your line breaks so that the poem is a bit smoother.

Made in China
Made in France
But you came here just for me
To graze an object's
Form of Braille
And translate it
For the musically challenged
And beauty-impaired.

I dont like the part about "made in" - the rhythm changes and it sounds...tacky. I'd reform the lines from "made in china" to "to graze an object's/form of Braille" into a more coherent idea. I like the idea of Braille, but the way you've put it sounds off.

Over-all an interesting piece. Your line breaks could use a bit of work and some of your wording needs to be refined; otherwise a great poem. Kudos.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Nice. I enjoyed reading this - I have some picky things, of course, for editting. But it reminded me of my own violin which has given me this permanent pink callus on the side of my neck.

May I press my fingers firmly on your neck?
As your skin rubs off on mine?
And my head lays against your hip I love this image
Supporting
The smooth vibrations that surround me
And you? agreed with bubblewrapped that this should be one question. Otherwise the questioning gets to be overbearing [and structurally incorrect, but that's another problem] -- questions in poetry are a tricky business. You might want to take a peek at the thread about it in the Poetry discussion forum, but mainly: questions should be answered and answerable. This does a pretty good job of that, because it describes as it asks permission. But know that you might be treading in tricky waters.

Mainly with the beginning I don't like the linebreaks. If something is on a line of its own it should deserve that seperation and designation -- especially if you have slightly longer lines throughout much of the poem. Does 'supporting' deserve that emphasis?
Would you allow me to strike my hair against you...
Forcefully
Sweetly
A capriccio I like how you switched to music words here, though I can't remember them all. The Italian has a very 'romance' sort of sonorous feel.
Con fuoco
Piu, piu,
Morendo... First off: you don't need the ellipses. Second: the way these lines are broken in a sort of 'phrase list' is a bit awkward and it doesn't do the idea and description justice. Forcefully/sweetly is a good start to the description but it kind of stops there. Be careful of adverbs. How is it forceful? how is it sweet? Telling details will make this more descriptive and more personal ... more intimate ;]
Let me take a peek inside of you...
Hollow, yet
You sound so full
Made in China
Made in France another incident of the 'list' format. This could be described so much more nicely, but it sounds flat, like you're just reading off the plainest label. Some of those inside labels are beautiful, as are the places the violins come from. You could describe the making of the violin as something more human.
But you came here just for me
To graze an object's
Form of Braille
And translate it
For the musically challenged
And beauty-impaired.

You guys are wonderful! I love your comments. Very helpful! Thanks so much.

I enjoyed this ^_^ I think I'll leave what others have said, because I can't find much to pick on.


Though [and I hate to directly disagree with someone] I think your list like spots are good, especially the "made in..." lines. I enjoyed those.

What I do have to pick on is the punctuation. It bothered me. I'm going to repunctuate for you ^_^

May I press my fingers firmly on your neck
As your skin rubs off on mine?
And my head lays against your hip
Supporting
The smooth vibrations that surround me
And you?
Would you allow me to strike my hair against you
Forcefully,
Sweetly,
A capriccio,
Con fuoco,
Piu, piu,
Morendo...
Let me take a peek inside of you:
Hollow, yet
You sound so full.
Made in China,
Made in France,
But you came here just for me;
To graze an object's
Form of Braille
And translate it
For the musically challenged
And beauty-impaired.

I think that works better ^_^ I'm not sure on the semicolon, perhaps it should be a period, but I like the semicolon there. Now that it is all cleanly punctuated, I'm even more in love with it.

I hope to see more from you

Slightly suggestive, yes...

Lovely, though. Flows nicely, gorgeous imagery and a fresh, original theme. My only suggestion is that you put the musical words, con fuoco, piu, etc., in italics, as that's how they usually appear on sheet music. Plus it just looks nicer.

Otherwise, really well done! Sorry I'm not more constructive.

This poem seems SO sophisticated! Of course, violins are sophisticated, but this seems so mature and yet so light! I loved the idea of making love to your violin (not literally), and if you've ever heard The Piano Man, a song by Billy Joel which is in itself sophisticated and beautiful, you would already have known a man "making love to his tonic and gin".

Just superb. Very delicate. I loved how you included all the musical terms.

However, it did seem a bit amateur--all the periods--where it would have been better if it was all flowing. Also, some things interrupted the flow. Here is my revision:

May I press my fingers firmly on your neck,
As your skin rubs off on mine?
And my head lays against your hip
Supporting
The smooth vibrations that surround you
And me?
Would you allow me to strike my hair against you--
Forcefully
Sweetly
--A capriccio
Con fuoco
Piu, piu,
Morendo...
Let me take a peek inside of you:
Hollow, yet
You sound so full,
Made in China,
Made in France,
But you came here just for me
To graze an object's
Form of Braille
And translate it!--
For the musically challenged
And beauty-impaired.

My reasoning for putting an exclamation point and -- after "translate it" is to put a short stop to the rhythm, and to make an emphasis on the last two lines.

Beautiful!

May I press my fingers firmly on your neck?
As your skin rubs off on mine?

Just a quick thing... I would make the first question mark a comma.

Otherwise, very nice! I thought you were talking about a clarinet at first because... um... I'm biased, but as I read it, I was wondering how exactly that would work out, so yes. It's very nice. I love the Italian interwoven throughout.

Ooh. Okay. I'm not the best at critiquing poetry, but...I really liked this poem! Umm...I can't think of much to say other than what has already been said, my emphasis being on your punctuation - the first stanza should probably be only one or two questions, I'm actually leaning towards two.

Also, in your defense, I personally really liked the one-word lines, I thought they worked well. I enjoyed the way the poem was about your violin (my sister plays, I'll have to show this to her). Admittedly, it would have taken some thought if you hadn't specified, but I think I would have figured it out.

One last thing, I love this line:

For the musically challenged
And beauty-impaired.

I think it's an amazing way to end the poem.

Keep up the excellent work!
~Luna~

I would never be ablr to write anything like that. It is so well writen I could see it in a book of musical poems. It is a little suggestive but if you stated clearly about your violin than it wouldn't be.

Could you explain the musical terms? I don't know that much Anyway, a great poem. Keep at it.

wow! What can I say? I loved it ^_^ You are very clever.

When I first read this, is was like, what the heck is she talking about?

Then I went down and I read the first crit, and said it was about your violin
and I went back to reread it. I am so glad I did. The second time, it just
clicked! I lied this allot. And what it really is makes it amazing!

In the middle though, you have just the words, one word for each line, it
sounded beautiful, but I didn't get what it said.

Anyway, good job!

-- M.B.Author