Ancient Chemical Substance

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The worm inched its way across the pavement. Its moist, soft body melded with the microscopic cracks and crevices within the cement; the latter's heated surface sapping moisture from the soggy body above. A minimalistic head poked to and fro, searching for something satisfying. This urban desert was void of anything recognizable, anything life-sustaining or stimulating. Hazards were many: that man's sole; her reckless mechanically-driven speed; his sometimes slanted, sick soul, intent on mashing out insignificant somethings.

So it was with some surprise that this utterly pitiful mass of cells managed its way across the sidewalk, through the street, and into the green park.

This was a world the creature knew. While fraught with predatory dangers, sustenance made itself widely available around every corner, and the worm's simple biological system was able to take full advantage of these useful treasures. Look! a drop of gleaming water sliding down the stem. Look! safe soil to bury yourself in. Look! fallen leaves to feast upon. While the colors and other various beauties of this miniature ecosystem escaped the worm, it fit it here. Nature provided for even her lowliest children.

Now, the worm sat in solitude beneath the ground, sensing vibrations and tremors reverberating throughout the soil. Making its way through its self-made tunnel, it felt no uneasiness, no claustrophobic panic: this was home. Did predators exist here? If they did, this wriggling creature would know. A king is in control of his castle. While rivals may exist, first they must plan a siege.

Rain had come again. Out of the tunnel crawled a skinny noodle, worming its way out into the grass. The water splashed down heavily around it, creating massive vibrations, confusing the creature's senses, making it vulnerable. Its body sponged up the ancient chemical substance, growing to a more appetizing size.

Buckets to the worm were large drops to the bird, and it shook the water off easily. Nothing so trivial would come between it and food. The wind, this was more dangerous than the rain. If the flier were to make it to the tantalizing morsel awaiting it on the ground, it would have to fly strategically.

Huge rumbles spread out into the ground, and overriding even the rain's tremors, the worm's receptor cells detected them easily. The vibrations grew dangerously closer with each passing thud. The robin perched in the tree above had started its dive, not aware of the lumbering monster off to the side. The victim, lying among the grass, was not fast enough for either of the predators.

The robin was faster than the human, and it retrieved its meal with time to spare. Flapping its wings frantically, it overcame the wind and returned to its beloved tree victoriously.

Chainsaw: the machine that brought down the tree. Its earth-stained steel grinding incessantly against the similarly-colored bark, it shook the living house and its inhabitants, sending a dire warning, one that spelled death. The robin was the first to evacuate, then the squirrels, leaping elsewhere, scampered around the park looking for a new place to dwell. The snails were thrown off onto the ground, discarded. All that was left of the structure was a forlorn stump.

The tree was placed into a mobile machine and carted throughout the streets, a tainted masterpiece, its leaves floating off onto the street where they would be crushed beneath harsh rubber. The sun peaked out from beneath the clouds: it had stopped raining. It beat down upon the tree, no longer providing energy, but extracting the remaining liquid from its corpse.

Presently the tree arrived at the dump. Flies flitted about, making use of the discarded rubbish stacked high into the sky. Humans exited the truck and heaved the tree off into the pile. It lay there, dying slowly, as the men climbed back into the machine and drove off, leaving a spiral of dust in their wake.

A year later, the dead tree was still there, albeit barely. The clouds were appearing in the sky, and a creature beneath the ground could sense it. It wriggled towards the surface, poking its head above the ground, absorbing sweet oxygen. It crawled out towards the tree, its food source for half of its life. Patiently, the worm lay there, waiting.

It rained.
Last edited by Prokaryote on Thu Aug 02, 2007 5:02 am, edited 4 times in total.




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Well, this was very original and I was happy to read all of it without any hesitation at any point.

I didn't notice any mistakes, it was very well written. I like the way you start with a worm and end with a worm.

From when the tree is chopped down until when the worm re-appears is not as strong as the rest. I don't really know why but your tone became more serious and it did change the piece.

Well done, this was a good piece!
Keep it up!
Alainna
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Ah yes, the circle of life.

I think the story went on for way too long and was way too preachy. This would have been a whole lot better if you cut out the whole narrators observation and stuck with simple old description.

Trees, those maginificent structures stretching to the skies, show the true majesty of Nature, easily surpassing the supposedly seminal standing boxes that dot the streets of hideously synthetic cities. Outshining anything man-made, they exhibit a true beauty. Still, they are subject to the irksome property of entropy, gradually decaying until they are only a shadow of their original glory. Humans, however, may speed this process considerably, using oiled parts working synchronously, otherwise known as machines.


This is an example of the garbage I was talking about. This is entirely soapbox material and should be jettisoned from this story.

Focus all your effort on the description of the key players: worm, robin, human, tree. Do not include narration about anything else.

By using bare bones description, you're actually doing yourself a favor. This circle of life theme is very simple, so it makes sense that the style you use to write it should be simple.

The narration was the problem in this piece because it was hyping everything up. It was trying to make things more elaborate than they really were. This attempt at making it more sophisticated backfired, turning most of this story into utter garbage.

Remember your key players: worm, robin, tree, human. What they do is the most important part of this story. Focus on them.
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Thanks Alainna.

Grif: I cut a lot of the crap out so hopefully it's a bit better. Thanks for the help.

Prokaryote




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I really liked that. Normally, this isn't the kind of story I would enjoy at all, but it was great. I really love the voice of the whole thing. The only two things that I think could be changed are:
a. When you call water an "ancient chemical substance". For some reason, that phrase just doesn't sit well with me. I'm sure that there is some other name you could use that isn't "ancient chemical substance" but isn't just "water" either.
b. The very end when the worm emerges from the tree needs some work. Personally, I am generally not a fan of happy endings to begin with, but whatever. All of the rest of the piece is so detailed, and at the end it just kind of drops off and is not as detailed. I do really like the first sentence of that last paragraph though "A year later, the dead tree was still there, albeit barely."




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Hm. Too much time on the worm's life in the beginning, not enough time on the death of the tree and the cruelty of the chainsaw. Other than that, very well written.

No grammatical mistakes. No plot holes or unrealistic characters. Good job, mate!
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Hey Pork! It's been a while since I've read anything of yours, and the title of this piece caught my attention right away. ;)

Hazards were many: that man's sole; her reckless mechanically-driven speed; his sometimes slanted, sick soul, intent on mashing out insignificant somethings.


Not a repetition of the same words - rather, the same sounds ... like, 'sole' sounds the same as 'soul'. It's kind of irksome, methinks ... you might want to consider fixing it up?

Oh, and also, something tells me there should be a comma after 'reckless' ... dunno.

So it was with some surprise that this utterly pitiful mass of cells managed its way across the sidewalk, through the street, and into the green park.


Personal preference, I think, but it might flow better with a comma after 'So'.

Look! a drop of gleaming water sliding down the stem. Look! safe soil to bury yourself in. Look! fallen leaves to feast upon.


Hm ... I've seen things like this before in Shakespeare's prose: a word with an exclamation point after it, then the next sentence beginning with a small letter ...
So there's probably a rule that allows you to do that, but just in case there isn't, I thought I'd point it out.

The wind, this was more dangerous than the rain.


Personal preference again, I think, but I don't really like the way the sentence is structured. I'm sure it's grammatically correct or whatever, but it just sounds wwrong when I read it in my head. You might try:
1) The wind - this was more dangerous than the rain.
OR something like:
2) The wind ... much more dangerous than the rain.
or:
3) The wind, however, was much more dangerous than the rain.

If the flier were to make it to the tantalizing morsel awaiting it on the ground, it would have to fly strategically.


Meh, two similar words in such close proximity to each other ... you might try replacing "fly" with "maneuver" or one of its similes or something. (The same can be done with "flier".)

Huge rumbles spread out into the ground, and overriding even the rain's tremors, the worm's receptor cells detected them easily.


I think the comma after "tremors" should be a semicolon?

Its earth-stained steel grinding incessantly against the similarly-colored bark, it shook the living house and its inhabitants, sending a dire warning, one that spelled death.


Hm ... I feel like you could be a little more artsy with that last bit (the bit I've underlined). I just don't think "spelled death" is a good figure of speech to use with chainsaws ... it's really just personal preference again, but I think you might want to consider something like:
(1) It's earth-stained steel grinding incessantly against the similarly-colored bark, it shook the living house and its inhabitants, sending a dire warning -- the whirring blade screamed of death.
2) It's earth-stained steel grinding incessantly against the similarly-colored bark, it shook the living house and its inhabitants, sending a dire warning. The whirring blades screamed of death, scattering chips of wood spinning away at their violent touch.

I love the "earth-stained steel" bit, though! :)

The robin was the first to evacuate, then the squirrels, leaping elsewhere, scampered around the park looking for a new place to dwell.


Hrm ... re-word: scampering around the park, looking for a new place to dwell.

The tree was placed into a mobile machine and carted throughout the streets, a tainted masterpiece, its leaves floating off onto the street where they would be crushed beneath harsh rubber.


Comma after "street"? I love this sentence though ... "tainted masterpiece" ... lovely. :}

Presently the tree arrived at the dump.


Comma after "Presently", methinks.

-------------------------------------------

I really liked this piece - it's really fascinating, and it feels very ... complete, especially with the whole circle-of-life-repeating thing at the end.
The part where the man are bringing the tree to the dump seems very surreal, in a good way. Like if it were a black and white painting - the prose there seemed quiet, antique, with a kind of defeated atmosphere. I love it. <3

I noticed, though, that most of the imagery was visual and using the sense of touch ... you should consider incorporating the other 3 senses; it would make it even more vivid. Describe the smells and sounds, too, not just what it seen and felt.

Other than that, good job! :D I'd forgotten how fun to read your stories are.

Cheers,
Camille xx
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Thank you Wolf! ^_^

Prokaryote




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One of the most original pieces of writing that I have ever come across. An excellent delivery of a well thought out idea. Well done! I couldn't find anything to criticize you on. I loved it. Especially the last line, it was extremely poignant. Congratulations. Please, keep up the good work!
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i think that the entrance of the robin was too late in the narrative, maybe if you had thrown in something about it further towards the beginning (obviously grasping at straws looking for a flaw in the awesomeness)
I enjoyed how you didnt use visual imagery, when people become too reliant on it their stuff gets stale, so yay! props!



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