Dinner For Two

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"What if I don't want to go?" I sat uncomfortably in my car seat, watching my parents in front. They were in a pretty good mood right now. Today was my Removal. It was the day every parent dreamed of. At least that's what I've heard.

"You have to go, sweetie," my mom said with a huge smile on her face. "We've been waiting a real long time for this. Twelve whole years."

That's how old I was. Twelve. I guess they've been waiting ever since I was born. Is that why they've been so nice to me all these years, just so they can send me to the Removal? What was so special about it? All I knew was that it was my big day, but nothing else. They never told me. Maybe I should just ask.

"But what is the Removal?" I'm hoping they give me a good answer.

"We told you, sweetie, it's your big day."

The same response I've always got.

"No, Mom. I mean, what is it exactly?"

I saw my dad's hands grip the steering wheel tighter. His happy smile turned to a dark look as he kept his eyes on the road. My mom turned to look at him nervously, trying to keep her smile intact.

"We've already told you," he said slowly. "Now stop asking."

"Why?"

"You're too young to understand, that's why."

This seemed a bit strange to me. If I was too young to understand it, why was I expected to go through with it? My parents weren't making sense anymore. Why was it such a secret? If the Removal was something I had to do anyway, why couldn't they at least tell me what it was?

Suddenly I felt a little queasy. What if the Removal was something bad? My seat seemed even more uncomfortable than before. Where were they really taking me?

"I want to go home," I whined.

"Don't be ridiculous," my mom said sternly. "We're almost there."

"Please?" I said. I didn't want to go to my Removal anymore. All I wanted to do was go home. I had a stomach ache now. If they weren't going to tell me what the Removal was, then I didn't want to go.

Dad suddenly pressed the brakes. The car lurched forward violently. Now I knew why they always told me to put my seatbelt on. But even so, my whole body was snapped forward, and the seatbelt hurt as it squeezed around me. I started to feel scared now.

I looked to my mother, who was just as shaken as I was. She looked to my father again, her eyes wide. He simply stared out the windshield, his hands gripping the wheel ever tighter.

"Look, Junior," he said in a low voice. "Either keep quiet until we get to your Removal, or get dropped off here."

I looked out the window to my right. We were on a dusty, dirt road in the middle of nowhere. I saw a few cactuses growing in the horizon. I didn't want to stay here. So I kept quiet.

After a few moments of silence my dad put on his former smile again.

"Good boy."

We were off again. We drove down the road faster than before. I guess my dad was getting impatient. I stopped worrying about my Removal. What was the worst it could be? After all, I was only twelve. What could they do to me? I sighed and relaxed back into my seat. I wasn't afraid anymore. What could be worse than getting dropped off in the middle of nowhere? I was safe and sound in a car with my loving parents seated up front. My seat was growing more comfortable again.

I felt my stomach rumble. Mom and Dad hadn't let me eat breakfast that morning. They had told me that it would only interfere with my Removal.

"Hey Dad, what are we going to have for lunch today?" I asked. Maybe Mom would make macaroni and cheese again.

My dad chuckled.

"We're having dinner for two at the fanciest restaurant in town, Son," he said, turning to my mom with a knowing smile. She giggled back, and soon the bubbling happiness that had filled the air before was once again restored.

At first I smiled with them, but then something struck me. There were three of us in the car.

He probably just miscounted.
Last edited by Black Ghost on Tue Jun 26, 2007 4:12 pm, edited 6 times in total.




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tighter
Should be tighten.

Thats the only problem I could find with this, and I have a good eye for these kind of things.

That doesn't seem like a seven year old talking, and we don't find out if its a boy or a girl until later. Hint: work on that.

This can't be all of it, you've left it at a cliffhanger! A frusturating yet good cliff hanger. (When you get the next one pm the link to me) You've told us nothing about the characters really, but that could be explained by the attention span of a seven-year-old.

It was really good, keep it up.

~~Alice~~
I just lost the game.




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Oh wow. Morbid, much?

This is really sad. I love the point of view you decided to go with, though. At times, however, it didn't seem like he was seven -- he uses quite sophisticated language, which threw me off.

There's not much else I can say about this, really, except... wow. Good job. The ending is a bit abrupt, but I sort of like it.

Oy, I'm maddeningly unhelpful, aren't I? *sigh* Good job, lol.
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Wow. I really like this story! You did an awesome job in writing it. I have only a couple comments to make. I can't wait for some more!

Maybe Mom would make macarooni and cheese again


According to the English dictionary, you spelled "macaroni" incorrectly. However, because the narrator's a seven-year-old, I don't really care what you do with it. This could be the way he pronounces the word or you could change it to the correct form. Whichever :D

Today was my removal.


and

"But what is the removal?"


My second suggestion is capitalizing "removal". It seems to be a proper noun in the way it's used in the story (look at above two quotes).

No complaints, really. Just suggestions. This was really good. I don't care if it was morbid, it caught my attention. Good work! :D
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Thanks, guys! I'm glad you all liked it. I fixed the typos, and I'll be sure to see what I can do about how he thinks since he's only seven. I forgot about that. As for writing more, I don't know if I will. I sort of did this on a whim, sort of like a free write, so I'm not sure.

Thanks Again,
Tony




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Wow! this was so awesome I absolutely loved it! goood job magicman keep it up!

ML,
Demi
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Hey Tony!

This was a really good piece. Fresh, uncliched, and interesting. I was riveted all the through. I liked your concept, though it WAS morbid and so sad! :( I can guess what happens to the 7 year old...

The only complaint I have is your 7 year old's voice. He does NOT sound like a seven year old at all-more like a 14 or 15 year old. Maybe 10. Just definitely not 7! Maybe change his age if you want to keep his voice, but use simpler vocab if you keep his age the same.

Great job!
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

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I really liked this very much!
...and everyone is right. it doesn't sound like a seven year old talking at all! so i agree with writingluver5, either change the age, or change the vocab!
muy bien. it was great...and you should really consider writing more of this...

---lora
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Try to be better than yourself."
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Alright, I went ahead and changed the age to twelve. I hope that makes the vocab more believable :)

-Tony




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Good. :) But there's still some places that he says "Mommy" and such. I don't think I've ever heard a 12 year old say that! :lol: Tweak a bit more, and it's aok!
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

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Wow.

I loved it. Have you ever read The Giver? Almost like something out of that. Is there going to be more? The ending is a bit abrupt, and I'm still wondering what the removal is. (well, cutting out the obvious. :roll: )

Also:

That's how old I was. Twelve.


After all, I was only seven.


How old is he? :)

Other than that, it was pretty good. Ending.... Awesome ending. Abrupt, but awesome. :D Not sure how you could change it and still keep the quality, so I say just sleave it. If you added on it would help. It's still good as it is, though.

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Oops, thanks for catching that. I wouldn't want my characters randomly changing ages in the middle of a scene. :?

And yes, I have read The Giver (who hasn't?) and I loved it. I guess somewhere in my subconscious that novel gave me the inspiration to write something like this. Also, I think I'm definitely going to try expand this some more since everyone seemed to enjoy it. :P




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i loved it! it was really compelling, especially for a short story!
so the ending WAS supposed to imply that they were eating him, then?
vair interesting.
idk why but this really reminds me of the giver.
or at least it did when i began to read it.
x]]
keep writing!
-Andi x3s youuu-




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Eating him? No, that wasn't what I wasn't going for. I woudn't want to to be that morbid. The ending was supposed to imply that they were getting rid of him, so they go to celebrate at a restaurant.




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*tee hee* don't worry, I didn't get the impression that they were eating him.

I really liked the story, and besides the whole discussion about age, it was excellently done! If you do more and you have time, could you pm me?

Yours always, 8)
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