Awakening Ch.1

Sorry guys the paragraphs are a little scrappy as I transfered this by e-mail from an old computer.So hit me with any silly mistakes and I'll get to correcting straight away.



Prologue



Fawn woke.
He tried to think: what day is it?
What Moon is it?
What year is it?!!
How many summers had he spent here. Floating in limbo. The time between
conscious and unconscious slipped into each other. It felt as if every
thought lasted a million lifetimes and when each thought passed he forgot
it.
Had he been asleep?
Was he still asleep and had dreamed awakening?
It seemed there was no border between dream and reality in this forsaken
land. A bubble where all your defining aspects of humanity vanished and you
were left with this helpless naked creature floating like a baby in a womb.
Trying desperately to stick together the fragments of your broken mind:
a piece of ever unraveling string.
Fawn strained to remember the events that led to this dreadful
imprisonment.
Start at the beginning. What is the first thing you remember?
Memories begin to form. He remembered a...woman....NO....man: old with
crinkled, rough feature s like worn parchment, bending over
him...Yes...YES....
Fawn writhed as the events of his life came rushing back at him. Fast.
Too Fast.
Everything went black.



Chapter 1

I remember the first time I met old man. It seems like yesterday now that I think about. I was lost. Unknowing of who I was or where I came from. No more than 5 summers old and as naked as the day I was born except for the silken blanket that cocoons me. It was then my old man found me. Like an old oak he bore upon me. I remember him reaching down and picking me up in old gnarly hands and bundling me away.
I could not tell you exactly what happened thereafter as my memory becomes hazy, but, in later days I was told I had been found sitting in the
middle of the forest contented as if I was at home, and not harmed by beast
or insect.


As I stayed in the house of the old man we both grew fond of each
other. I was always unquestioning and contented. The old man
was much the same as me and never sook out the knowledge of where I came from or how I came to be?
I was kept apart from all other society and because I was naturally
uncurious I accepted this too. I was always shown kindness and cared for. This is not to say I became soft as when living off the land in the middle of
nowhere there is much work to be done. Life was not altogether quiet and I and the old man had our fun.
Every night after dinner when the fire was crackling in the log fire and
there were no chickens to be fed or lambs to be rescued from off the cliffs
the old man would lope over to a dark corner of the room and ceremoniously
take an ancient lyre from a dusty case. He might play me an old ballad or
tell me a story accompanied by a fine lacing from the instrument. These I
loved best and were the fine highlighting of my day.
As well as the company of the old man I had a dog .He was named, appropriately, dusty. He was old, slow and had a twitch in his left ear. In appearance he had dirty grey, shaggy, matted, course fur, with a weak stain of black that crept up on his haunches. I loved him. I had vivid memories of grabbing on to his stump of a tail and pulling him along with me when I was small (This is not to say Dusty was a small dog, he was relatively big, certainly more so than a young infant of three. And I am sure in his day he was quite potent as he was covered with the muscles of a strong man turned old: the saggy, droopy muscles, which still retained remnants of their old glory). He followed me wherever I went like an old, worried,
grandfather. I cannot remember him once, with all the aggravation I gave him, snapping at me or showing any signs of irritation. He just stared at me with big, runny, doleful eyes.
We were a unique trio and both the old man and the dog were perfectly
suited for me. They influenced me. The Old man represented my naturally
accepting nature, kindness, safety and shelter. And the dog represented my
inherent love for nature, fun, love, loyalty and above all a hidden resilience
and stoicicity. Both were totally unthreatening, compliant and possessed a
hidden steel.

Just a few specific points first...

A bubble where all your defining aspects of humanity vanished and you
were left with this helpless, naked creature, floating like a baby in a womb.

Memories begin to form. [You switch tense here. I think it should be memories began to form.]
__________
Other than that, the introduction is good and I'm interested in the answers to some of those questions. Your grammar falls apart a little in the first chapter -


I remember the first time I met the old man.It [A space between the full stop and It.] seems like yesterday now that I think about it.I [Again, a space after the full stop.] was lost.Not knowing [Yeah, you'd better check the beginnings of all your sentences...] who I was or where I came from.No more than five [Spell your numbers out when writing a story.] summers old and as naked as the day I was born except for the silken [No need for a new line here...]
blanket that cocoons me.It was then that my old man found me.Like an old oak he
bore upon me.I remember him reaching down and picking me up in old, gnarly [Again, it's a story so don't have a line break in the middle of a sentence.]
hands and bundling me away.
I can't tell you exactly what happened thereafter as my memory
becomes hazy,but, in later days, I was told I had been found sitting in the [Remove line break.]
middle of the forest, content, as if I was at home, and not harmed by beast
or insect.


As I stayed in the house of the old man, we both grew fond of each [Remove line break.]
other.I never asked questions; I was content.The old man, likewise, didn't seek out the knowledge of where I came from or how I came [No line break.]
to be.
I was kept apart from the rest of society and, because I was naturally
incurious, I accepted this too.I was always shown kindness and cared for.This [Delete line break.
is not to say that I became soft. In fact, when living off of the land in the middle of
nowhere, there is much work to be done.Life was not altogether quiet and me [No line break.]
and the old man had our fun.
Every night after dinner when the log fire was crackling and
there were no chickens to be fed or lambs to be rescued from off the cliffs,
the old man would lope over to a dark corner of the room and ceremoniously
take an ancient lyre from a dusty case.He might play me an old ballad or
tell me a story accompanied by a fine lacing from the instrument.These I
loved best and they were the fine highlighting of my day.
As well as the company of the old man, I had a dog.He was
named,appropriately,dusty.He was old,slow and had a twitch in his left
ear.In appearence, he had dirty, grey, shaggy,matted,course fur,with a weak
stain of black that crept up on his haunches.I loved him.I had vivid
memories of grabbing on to his stump of a tail and pulling him along with me
when small.(This is not to say that Dusty was a small dog,he was relatively
big,certainly more so than a young infant of three.And I am sure, in his day,
he was quite potent as he was covered with the muscles of a strong man
turned old:the saggy,droopy muscles which still retained remnants of their
old glory).He followed me wherever I went like an old, worried,
grandfather.I cannot remember him once,with all the aggravation I gave him,
snapping at me or showing any signs of irritation.He just stared at me with
big,runny,doleful eyes.
We were a unique trio and both the old man and the dog were perfectly
suited for me.They influenced me.The Old man represented my naturally
accepting nature,kindness, safety and shelter.And the dog represented my
inherent love for nature,fun,love,loyalty and, above all, a hidden resilience
and solidity. Neither were threatening but they were compliant and possessed a
hidden steel.

________________
I think this story needs a little more conflict but your characters are well defined so well done.

Introduction

I a little odd, not to mention the syntax. But I don't feel like editing that right now :-p IMO it should be chapter one, or alternatively, prologue. Novels don't usually have intros, but they do have prologues!

The action was all right. You could start somewhere better. Beginnings need to be good. Really good. First off, I really don't care about Fawn. Second, I don't know what is going on, and nothing really caught my interest. Also consider cleaning up how you do it in general. The thoughts were odd, but the metaphors were good. The thoughts were just out of place, and your use of ellipses (...) were a bit much for me.

A tip: read more. But I always say that.

Chapter One

You have major capitalization of the pronoun "I" and tense problems. Proper capitalization, spelling, grammar, etcetera [to the best of your ability, I realize grammar is confusing=) ] it really good to have, without it, it is a major turn off.

Really, all I can say, is that your story doesn't catch me. I don't care about the characters, and I have no reason to keep reading. I just don't care at all, I see no good conflict and nothing to make me say, "ooo, what is going to happen?"

You do a lot of telling too, don't tell us about the relationships, show us. No one likes to be told, it's boring =/

Again, read! ^_^ That will help you. Try writing a second draft of this, actually writing out scenes to show things rather than just saying, "We grew fond of each other."

Best of luck.

Hello!

Oshmiester wrote:How many summers had he spent here.

It's a question.

Osh wrote: He remembered a...woman....NO....man : old with
crinkled, rough feature s like worn parchment, bending over
him...Yes...YES....

I've bring brought up on the belief that you shouldn't capitalize every letter of a word (NO...YES). Secondly, your "s" is separate from "feature".

Osh wrote: It was then my old man found me. Like an old oak he
bore upon me.I remember him reaching down and picking me up in old gnarly hands and bundling me away.I could not tell you exactly what happened thereafter as my memory
becomes hazy,but, in later days I was told I had been found sitting in the
middle of the forest contented as if i was at home, and not harmed by beast
or insect.

Why the space? The word is gnarled, not gnarly. You should always place a comma between the adverb and the adjective. (Old, gnarled). Lastly, you should always have a space after a comma (,but,).

Osh wrote:I accepted this too.I was always shown kindness and cared for.

Place a space after every period.

I'd be interested in reading more of it.

MM

I second everything Claudette said, especially about the first chapter. I'm not going to reiterate everything she said, but I will give you some suggestions in the introduction.

Obviously, Fawn is disoriented. You created this by telling us he was just awakening and his constant questions. You tried very hard to make the reader feel that disorientation through your syntax, but didn't work. Why? Because the reader only observed the narrator's recounting of his disorientation; they didn't feel it or see it like Fawn did. The disoriented syntax seemed almost overdone, and the intro was very dry, in my opinion. To pump emotion into it and spice it up, I'm going to suggest you add detail. If you described the whirling, confused images that Fawn might be seeing, it would make the reader see and feel what he is feelign and seeing. If he is nauseous and feels like he is about to vomit because of the disorientation, how much more would the reader relate to him? Try adding the senses of sight, touch, sound even smell to this intro. What does he see? How does he feel? What does he hear? Are his ears buzzing? Including these kind of details will suck the reader in and make them feel the way Fawn is and thus relate. It will catch the reader's attention much more than confusing syntax.

Hopefully, that will help you out. Like Claudette, I would also suggest that you read. There are some great writers on here, so reading some of there pieces would be helpful. Read books. Read short stories. Read, read, read, and observe how other writers convey these things. If you want me to dig up some pieces here on YWS that include examples of my suggestions above, please PM me and I'd be more than willing to. In all, a good start. I can't wait to read more of your writing! Great job, keep writing and PM me if you have any questions.

Okay this was umm, a good start. I, umm , well, umm , i am just speechless, which is actually verry rare. How lonbg did you spend on this . 10-15 minnutes. Well, the first thing you need top do is read over it slowly as if this is the first time you have ever read it. Then you need to have a friend and/or family member read it aloud so that you can hear all the rough patches. after this, thnk about how you might could improve this story. ask parents, friends, and fammily members. Everyone can help you. A bully in real life is based on a bully in one of my stories. I am not the one to ask for spelling or gramactical mistakes, but a run throuh spell cheack never hurt anybody.

Intro
I think the concept is an interesting one. I hope that you return to explore/investigate the prison, or whatever it is, in greater detail later on. I wanted to keep reading to find out where he was and why.
Now, that being said, the language didn't work for me. It felt stilted and awkward, maybe even a little forced. For example, I don't think you need to use "moon" there. I understand why you would use it, but I don't feel like it fits here. (It also doesn't need to be capitalized.)
I also wouldn't use CAPITAL LETTERS for emphasis. JK Rowling does it, and it's aggravating. Ditto ellipses (...); don't use them, except in very, very dire circumstances. (I used to use them all of the time. I can speak from experience. I know why you'd want to use them, but you still shouldn't. Well, maybe sometimes, but only rarely.)
Plus, if Fawn's thinking, I'd recommend putting his thoughts (no, yes, &c.) in italics to denote that.
Also, "intro" is awkward. I'd go with "prologue." myself.

Chapter One
(I'd write out "one," because it's a small enough number. Same with "five" in "5 summers.")

I won't repeat myself, but this suffers from the same problems as the first bit. (Most notably, weird syntax and bad grammar.) It's also as interesting as the first part; I'm curious to know more about the old man, as well as the narrator. That being said, I wouldn't go into quite as much detail about the back story quite yet. I like the first part of chapter one, but I think the second part can be saved for later and spread out throughout the story. Instead of going on about the past, go to the present and find a way to introduce why the old man is so important, and so on.

All I can say is cool and interesting!
Write more!












The End

The prologue should probably be deleted and put away for future comic relief.

The first chapter is mucho bettero! With that said, I love how you talk about the character's life, but you have to have The Dramatic Change of Events. For example, his life is good and everything, but that won't make us read on until we see a dramatic cliffhanger at the end. Take some of chapter 2 and mix it up with chapter 1, and it will be even better.

Sorry it took so long for me to get round to this!!!

Well, most other people have said what this piece really needs so I'll just put a little bit in.

Think about this:
1) Why should the reader read on? As another author said to me...Conflict.
2) Show don't tell. Show us a memory maybe, rather than telling a story.
3) Your descriptions are great but are borderline listing and can be a bit too much.
4) Feel your character.
5) Keep it up!!!

I want to see where this goes, however your grammar etc needs to be polished as it turns your attention away from the story. Keep it up and absorb all crits, they are here to help. Maybe edit this now or leave it until you have organized a clear plot and re-do this part.

All the best,
Alainna
xxxxxxxx

It was good, doesn't seem fantasy, but I think you're still getting to that. It has a air of mystery to it.

I thought this was really good and mysterious. I thought that the prologue was confusing and a little hard to understand but the way it was written mirrored the characters confusion which i think is fantastic.

Chapter one is better though you need to look a bit at you sentence structures and some punctuation. It was good i liked it. I hope there is more!

It is a little rough and need a little work. I'd have to say its not quiet as good as the other peice I reviewed but don't worry. But don't fret Mon Frere, it will all work out just take your time and go over it again. We end up reading it the way we think it should sound rather than how it actually sounds.