The protecter of the eggs

He was born to protect the eggs, he was chosen to hatch the eggs, he is Quiry. Quiry runs around the forest hiding dragon, griffin, and hypogriff eggs. He is clever and smart with the bow and arrow, he has survived been shot in the chest by an arrow. He is the most amazing elf.

"Quiry! Quiry, wake up! Some one brought you a mystery egg."
"Huh? Oh um thanks. I will analyze it and try to find out what it is later."
"I will but it on your bed."
"Thanks."
"Break fast is on the table."
"What did you make?"
"I made bacon, hash browns, eggs-"
"Shhh! The eggs are smart! The eggs can hear you!"
"Sorry. I also made ham."
"Thanks." Quiry was done chatting with the woman, he got up and ate his break fast. When he finished, he when to his bed to look at the egg.

This is a big egg, it has giant blue and purple spots all over it... I can't tell what it is.

"Well?"
"I can't tell what it is."
"Hmm...strange."
"It is wiggling!"

Okay! Nice story idea, can't wait to find out more about what's going on. You might want to choose a tence and stick to it.

He was born to protect the eggs, he was chosen to hatch the eggs, he is Quiry. Quiry runs around...

It kind of threw me off there and broke the flow. Did it happen, or is it happening?

Oh um thanks.

Oh. Um, thanks.

OR

Oh, um, thanks.

As a side note, "Um" should only be used for emphasis. Don't use it excessively or it will lose its power.

"I made bacon, hash browns, eggs-"
"Shhh! The eggs are smart! The eggs can hear you!"

Haha. Cute.

"Thanks." Quiry was done chatting with the woman, he got up and ate his break fast. When he finished, he when to his bed to look at the egg.

When Quiry...?

This is a big egg, it has giant blue and purple spots all over it... I can't tell what it is.

"Well?"
"I can't tell what it is."

Hmm... You just said the same thing twice. Maybe cut it out of his thoughts and keep it in his words.

"It is wiggling!"

What's going to happen??? You will post more, yes?

Overall, it was okay. A little rough around the edges, but they can be smoothed out with some work. Keep at it!

Oooh. Very interesting premise....is there more to come? I'd enjoy reading about his rounds.

The biggest problem here is not enough description....description is needed to paint the scene and story.

"He was born to protect the eggs, he was chosen to hatch the eggs, he is Quiry. Quiry runs around the forest hiding dragon, griffin, and hypogriff eggs. He is clever and smart with the bow and arrow, he has survived been shot in the chest by an arrow. He is the most amazing elf. (([color=red]Combine the "Clever and smart" and "amazing elf" sentences[/color))"

You're changing the tenses here. "...he was Quiry. Quiry ran around the forest hiding magical eggs. Cleverness with the arrow..." etc.

Underlined text is my inserted comments and bolded letters are corrections. Strikeouts indicate what I think you should cut from the draft.

"Quiry! Quiry, wake up! Someone brought you a mystery egg."
"Huh? Oh, um, thanks. I will analyze it and try to find out what it is later."
"I will put it on your bed."
"Thanks."
"Breakfast is on the table."
"What did you make?"
"I made bacon, hash browns, eggs-"
"Shhh! The eggs are smart! The eggs can hear you!"
"Sorry. I also made ham."
"Thanks." Quiry was done chatting with the woman, he got up and ate his breakfast. When he finished, he went to his bed to look at the egg.

A note on contractions:
Consistency:
Either have your characters use contractions, or plain "you will", etc.. Otherwise it looks sloppy.

This is a big egg, it has giant blue and purple spots all over it... I can't tell what it is. Um, that sentence is just weird.....re-write

"Well?"
"I can't tell what it is."
"Hmm...strange."
"It is wiggling!"

It is= it's. Even if you don't want to use contractions, in situations where it ends with a exclamation point you usually want to use contractions.

Next to that, I'd switch "wiggling" for "rocking" or "stirring"- "wiggling" makes it sound like the egg is a worm.

Good idea. Tenses are a big issue here. If anything I would use past tense like was, walked, ran, etc. The intro below is the same thing just with all the same tense.

--He was born to protect the eggs, he was chosen to hatch the eggs, he was Quiry. Quiry ran around the forest hiding dragon, griffin, and hypogriff eggs. He was clever and smart with the bow and arrow, he'd survived being shot in the chest by an arrow. He was the most amazing elf. --

It was also very short. Nothing much happened, he woke up, ate and looked at an egg.

The conversation also needs work. It doesn't really say who he's talking to until the end. Use things like "he said" "Sally said" "the woman said" and what ever.

Good idea overall. I'd like to keep reading. As for the tense problem, I just went through that with my other story I'm writing. It'll get easier to stay in the same time as it carries along.

Dialogue tags are always helpful. Even the basic he said/she said after someone speaks for clarification. Though be careful you don't go overboard ^_^

Wow..... fascinating idea. Its a bit short though..... Here is my critique:

He was born to protect the eggs, he was chosen to hatch the eggs, he is Quiry. Quiry runs around the forest hiding dragon, griffin, and hypogriff eggs. He is clever and smart with the bow and arrow, he has survived been shot in the chest by an arrow. He is the most amazing elf.

He IS, or he WAS? You need to fix the tenses here. This part also didn't flow very well, felt a bit choppy. You were basically just saying: "He did this and he did that". Maybe revise to something like:

"He was born to protect the eggs, and he was chosen to hatch them. His name is Quiry, and he runs around the forest hiding dragon griffin and hypogriff eggs. He is smart with bow and arrow, and he has survived being shot in the chest by anothers arrow. He is the most amazing elf." (or something like that, just a suggestion)

Besides that, you need to straighten out the dialogue and space it out a bit. I'd like a little more to go on as well. I think you have an interesting beggining to your story.


I hope I wasn't to harsh, this shows potential. PM me with queries or comments.