Demon

His life was near its end, and his murderers not far behind, but still he ran.

Why did they hate him? What had he done wrong?

Nothing.

He had done nothing save be created, and that was all they needed. He was different. He was gifted. He was better, and for that, in their eyes, he was a crime. A demon. A thing good only for death.

But he knew better.

And that was why he ran.

Suddenly his vision flashed black and his pain increased. He dropped into a ball, curling into himself and nearly shutting out the world.

“I see him! The demon bastard’s up ahead! I see him!”

Panic flowed through his veins, slowing and slurring his thought. He grunted and pushed himself up, gasping at the fire that exploded in his head. He stumbled forward into a run again.

“How- he’s still alive!”

He jumped off the road and into the brush, half falling, half running down the hill. He crashed into a tree and held it tight, trying not to black out as he caught his breath. He waited until he heard the shouts again before taking off.

Why were they still following him? He would be dead soon anyway!

Tears leaked out his eyes at that thought.

His life had been wasted. Eternity means nothing if you don’t savor it. All he had ever done was serve his master well. Wasn’t that why he was here in the first place? To show them the light? To show them his master's gifts? Why had his master cast him out?

He smelled the sea.

His feet slowed and stumbled, and he fell on the rocks. His legs began twitching as the poison went through him. He heard crashing behind him and saw boots in his face.

He was at their mercy, and they had none to give. He closed his eyes, begging his master for the last time.

“He’s… he’s not- he’s not a demon! He’s…a…”

There were gasps all around as he began to glow and fade away.

“He’s dying!” a woman cried.

He was going back! His master was taking him ba…

No!

He was going the other direction!

“NO!” he screamed, fighting to come back.

The people, once his hunters, made way as he crawled to the cliff.

“Father, please!” he cried, crouching low and taking off.

His tattered wings flew out, bathing the cliff and people in light as he rose up.

He screamed as another flash of pain drove through his head.

“PLEASE!” he cried again as he fell into the sea.

The people screamed as he disappeared. One man was still stunned and was looking at the spot where he had been.
“He’s an angel.” He murmured.

And up above, high in the heavens, the master laughed.

Hey, Dreamer. Just had a quick read through, and althoguh there wasn't that much to it, i am interested in what you've manged to create. There will be more, won't there? =O

He fell into a ball,

That just sounded a bit odd to me. Maybe rephrase it?

He would be dead soon any way!

I think anyway's just one word.

“He’s dieing!” a woman cried.

*dying

Well, that's all I found. Your style of writing in this was very abrupt, which was good. It really suited the story at this point. We'll see what else happens later, if there's more to be seen. See you later,

-Mat

It is one of those types of stories where it starts in the middle of the story...that can make it hard to understand some times, here is an example:

Who is his master? Why did he shout

“Father, please!”

? Is his father his master?

Now here is a question from me: will you write more to it?


FireArris

FireArris, I think she made it pretty clear who her master is....(ahem, *GOD* )

But yeah, you did an awesome job of telling us who his master is without directly saying it.

Here.

That word there broke the flow for me. I know it's probably relevant to the piece, but to me it seemed just a *bit* random. Why does he want to be *here*. I think it would help if you made it a little more clearer. If your going to exemplify a part of the story, you should make sure it's pretty clear why.

The people cried and screamed as he disappeared.

The only complaint I have about this is that you've already used the word *cried* two times before this as a dialogue tag for the angel guy. Maybe you can find another synonym for it? Because the way the story is paced it seems as if you've used it too much already by the time it appears in this sentence.

Other than that I rather liked it. It was suspenseful and went at a really good pace.

-Tony

“He’s an angel.” He murmured.

who is this he?

Here.

Doesn't really make sense. Since it isn't first person, who is this speaking? Assuming that someone is speaking. And otherwise... what was this words purpose?

This was... different. Reminds me of a fantasy I wrote a few years back about Angels ^_^

It was OK in the written respect. The action was kind of confusing at times, I couldn't figure out what was going on. You were very vague about actions and stuff. All the explanations, which is what you start with from the very beginning is boring. I didn't really have a reason to care about the demon/angel, so I didn't care. You should probably fix that. Otherwise, the story is kind of bare.

If not, up the voice/style, give it more of a mood of creepiness or something. Something to up it. For now, it just seems like a short story on a vague topic. I think you could spread it out more, give us more, and make it better.

Best of luck. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

i really liked it! really compelling for a short story!
but it CAN be difficult to understand at times.
the character HIMSELF states that he is a demon,
and yet he is an angel?
i'm not sure i get it. maybe i'm just being stupid.
also,
god laughing is supposed to imply that he is not as great as he seems to be, isn't it?
great job, keep writing!

Thank you all! I fixed it up. Anything else?

Thx!