Betrayal

It's hard when your girl says "goodbye"
and you don't know the reason why.
It's hard when your girl says "it's over"
and you know you've lost your lover.
It's hard when your girl shows you the door
and you know you're not wanted anymore.
It's hard when your friendship starts to fade
and you know you've been betrayed.


Note: This may sound like a "whiney teenager" poem to you. Well, I was 14. And I was ridiculous back then with the whole "life is so hard" crap. I didn't need five people to tell me it was horrible. It was one of my first poems, but I guess I should stick to posting recent poetry in the future.

Mm... To be honest, hon, I don't really like it. I'm sure we've all felt the feeling you're trying to express here (I know I have), so you need to present it in a fresh way. This is just so straightforward and bland... Which surprises me, because I've read some of your other work and it's very impressive. This is just... almost childish, I suppose, although the rhyming may contribute to that feeling.

I dunno. It just doesn't do it for me, kid.

Hmmm...

I think the rhyming is a little too forced for this to work. Also, instead of just telling us what is happening, show it to us. What images could you use to represent betrayal?

I think this is probably just writing practice for you, since you have much better work, so yep. Keep writing and show us your pretty pieces.

The rhymes are forced in places and the rhythm is off. Maybe you should keep the idea but try to re-write this in a sonnet format. I mean the lines aren't far off a ten syllable beat and if you delve into your mind I'm sure you can find the vocabulary to expand your work.

Thanks for all your thoughts. This poem was written in October 2002 when I was fourteen... so that's why it may seem childish, and I agree that it's rather childish. I posted this originally to compare and contrast the ways I wrote when I was 14 and first starting out and now a full 5 years later after learning/expanding and I can say I've come a long way! This is just a blast from the past for me, I have no intention on fixing this up.

Hey, this poem just doesn't do it for me. i think that it may be the rhyming, but i'm no expert either. just try to let it out more...oh geez, it just doesn't have to rhyme is all. but i know what you're getting at with the feeling and all.

It's hard when your girl says "goodbye"
and you don't [s]even[/s] know the reason why.
It's hard when your girl says "it's over"
and you know you've lost your lover.
It's hard when your girl shows you [s]to[/s] the door
and you know you're not wanted anymore.
It's hard when your friendship starts to fade
and you know you've been betrayed.

Other than that, personally I didn't really enjoy it much either. The rhymes are forced, as previously stated, and it just very....complete, and has a lack of imagery. I think it's too short a poem to repeat the same line so many times as well. Plus, "it's hard" doesn't really do it for me...it's just too open ended and kind of just reminds me of a whiney teenager "uh, but its like so hard!!". I would suggest explaining how "hard" it really is--but be careful not to go too emo.

Happy Editing,
WM

*Locked at Author's Request*