Geezer's Property #13

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“What's with those crazy islands?” asked Rowan.

“Hours,” the Geezer, examined the pair of hourglasses. “They orbit Reflection, along with the Night hours.”

A pained expression crossed Leah’s face as a ludicrous idea wormed its way into her mind.
“Are we in the sun?” she asked.

“Gracious, no!” The Geezer laughed at that.

“Well, then, where are we?” Questioned Sherman, prodding the hourglass. Saya swam through the air to join them. “And why is Saya allowed to fly?”

“Because I’m special,” she said smugly, pulling his hair and gliding out of his furious reach.

“It’s impossible to explain if you don’t understand the principles of space and time distortion and matter distribution, but you’ll get it eventually,” snapped the Geezer. “This is the Sibelnu.” he waved his hand at the set of hourglasses.

“From Elby’s descriptions and the name, I thought of something a lot more.....intimidating,” commented Rowan, squinting at the tree-glass.

“Oh, you’ll be intimidated,” growled the Geezer. “Once you understand what it can do.”

A golden lever was located between the hourglasses, and the Geezer grasped it firmly. “If you like, you can go to the windows, but you’ll have to come back before long.” Rowan dashed over to the window, while the Geezer pulled the lever.

There was the harsh squealing of unoiled metal as the two hourglasses began to move, the tree-glass slowly moving upright and the sands collapsed against the bottom half of the glass, the life of time gone from their grains.

As the hourglasses ground into position, a single petal fell from the blooming tree, disappeared, and slowly glided down to rest on a branch of the dead tree.

“Holy CRAP!” shouted Rowan, who was once again leaning out of the window. Leah raced over to join him and almost fell out from astonishment.

The sand had suddenly stopped moving beneath the islands, and a bright something was clawing at the sand, shoving it aside.

A flash of blinding light and an explosion of sound rent the air, shoving Leah and Rowan back from the window with an incredible energy. Light pressed into the stone room with terrible vigor, nearly blinding all within. No sound of anything breaking or glass shattering reached the ears of those assembled; no tinkle of fallen china floated through the air; no thump of collapsed furniture tore through the air.

To Sherman, it was like being flooded in rays of darkness, though the full force of the power still knocked him back.

“…ON A SANDWICH!” he shouted, rolling around somewhat like a turtle stuck on its back.

“Oh, shut up, you ninny,” said the Geezer coolly, prodding Sherman in the ribs with his foot. For all his years and dependency on his cane, he hadn’t even stepped back from the light.

Rowan scrambled back over to the window and looked out. Light flooded the entire horizon, and the islands cast shadows above their floating masses. Below the islands Rowan could see bursts of different colors, sometimes a vague purple, other times a strong blue. With the glow he was seeing, it was all he could do to stagger back and throw his arms over his eyes again.

“Was I just staring at the sun?” he asked blindly, to no one in particular.

“In a manner of speaking,” said the Geezer. “To attention, all of you! It’s cram-time.”

___
**
When the three musketeers looked back on it later, it was a bright blur of pressing facts and instruments for everything from attracting sanoa –a tiny fish that lived in the sea that gave good advice- to locating the best kind of earth to grow lion cacti – a plant that roared and snapped if you got too close- to a mannequin to imitate whatever someone somewhere else was doing.

Leah, being the fastest reader with the ability to digest information like nobody’s business, was reading through hundreds of books on spells, creatures, philosophy, history, and the Druidite language, emerging from each book with lit eyes, silently mouthing formulas for spells or dates of battles long buried in the sands of time.

Rowan seemed to have the knack for spell casting, and the Geezer had him run through dozens of different kinds of spells, each with different methods of casting and unbelievable amounts of sub-variations, though the first time he successfully managed to levitate a tossed-down book he let out a whoop and send it flying into the back of Sherman’s head.

Sherman was left with the task of learning how to forge magical items, a task he found interesting, though he wasn’t quite the adept Mekare had believed him to be- or so Sherman thought as he labored over a large hunk of magical clay, trying to wrestle it into a rude jar that could purify water.

Saya flew around randomly, sometimes resting on Leah’s hair to annoy her and look at the sometimes-fascinating illustrations splayed across the pages or commenting on Sherman’s efforts. The Geezer stumped about, grunting random questions at Leah, depending on the book she was reading, prodding at whatever Sherman was trying to create and whacking Rowan over the head with his cane when he made a particularly stupid mistake with a spell- something the Geezer enjoyed and made no attempt to hide.

And all the way, precious petals were floating down and re-budding on the half-dead tree on the bottom bulb.

The Geezer would go over to it and stare at it unseeingly when he became tired of asking questions or giving Sherman’s work nasty glares.

Their anti-matter selves apparently had no stomachs, or the stopped time simply prevented them from feeling hungry or tired, for they felt no exhaustion or other reasons to stop their nonstop training.

**
__

And suddenly, an echo of mad laughter echoed through the fevered silence from where the Sibelnu sat, petals falling away.

“Oh, jeez,” muttered Saya, looking up exasperatedly from examining a picture of druid dwellings. “Him.[/b]”

“[i] So said the halflings laugh and the shapeshifters glare
Against my fortune and into the silver fair
But I said, ‘all to me is a cup of tea
And the sugar and the cream you are NOT!’”



__________
Sigh. I feel like such a jerk, all of you itching to read something interesting and me giving you blabbles.....(Heh, that's a funny word)
So to alleviate some of the blabbelly-ness, I'm throwing in......haha, oh just you wait.
Speaking of waits, sorry about not updating when I said I would...
You know that feeling when you feel like you'd throw up if you ate another bite, but ate it anyway, and threw up?
Translate that to writing, and you should get the way I felt when I was confronted with the Word window marked "undines".

:/retch:

:P
:twisted:
Nehoo, enjoy.

~Sumi :roll:

EDIT: Edited so Snoink won't murder me. XD
Last edited by Sumi H. Inkblot on Sat Jun 02, 2007 2:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
ohmeohmy




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I have not read the rest of the story (bad me) so forgive me if this isn't really in depth since I don't want to read something Critical that gets revealed here. (I hate spoilers, lol.) With that said, I had to comment.

Let's look at the first couple of lines...

“What are the islands?” asked Rowan breathlessly.


*dies*

No, no, no! Unless there's a really really really REALLY really good reason for it, do not put an adverb after any of the "said" similies, ESPECIALLY in the first line of the chapter. There are a couple of reasons for this, but mostly it's because the first line of a chapter has to be hooking enough for the reader to read on. The problem? Adverbs weaken the sentence. So, unless you want a weakened sentence, don't EVER put an adverb after a "said" verb.

(Note: There are places where adverbs after "said" verbs are acceptable, but that's always when you want to make the sentence sound softer. For an introduction sentence, the louder and brassier, the better.)

“Hours,” said the Geezer, examining the pair of hourglasses closely. “They orbit Reflection, along with the Night hours.”


Normally, the first sentence of this line wouldn't be that bad because it's proper and complex, but after the very first sentence, you can't do this. Why? Because you said "said" too much. Repetition is a good tool in fiction if you use it right, but by telling us constantly that the characters have said a certain thing, it is overused.

With that said, in your first sentence, Rowan asks and the next sentence, the geezer says. Pick which "said" you want to cut out. I suggest the second one. Instead, you can say this:

“Hours." The geezer examined the pair of hourglasses closely. “They orbit Reflection, along with the Night hours.”

Also, you'll want to change the adverb "closely." It's too boring. :P

A startling thought struck Leah.


You're telling us that. SHOW us. Does her face turn a certain shade of purple? Does an eagle land on her shoulder? Do the clouds part? Give us some description instead of telling us that she thought. If she's human, we know she's thinking. What we're interested in how she reacts to her thoughts.

“Are we in the sun?” she asked quietly.


In this case, "quietly" seeks to weaken the sentence and, in effect, her words. With that said, I'm not quite sure that's the effect you want. Another, stronger verb might be better.

“Gracious, no!” the Geezer actually laughed at that.


Bad grammar. If ANYTHING, it should be this:

"Gracious, no!" The Geezer actually laughed at that.

With that said, the adverb "actually" should be killed in the most agonizing way possible. You are KILLING your writing by all these adverbs! Remember, adverbs WEAKEN the story. If you don't want to have this happen, avoid using adverbs!

“Well, then, where are we?” demanded Sherman, prodding the hourglass. Saya swam through the air to join them. “And why is Saya allowed to fly?”


The word "demanded" is too strong here. A gentler word is needed (don't you dare put an adverb to weaken "demanded" or else...)

Anyway! It's a short critique, but I hope that helps. ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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>_> I take it you hate adverbs...or just my constant use of them? Lol. >_> :Has a feeling Snoink would murder her if she saw some other stuff:

To-do list:
1. Minimize adverbs

2. Revive Snoink from her adverb-homicide

3. Clean up work

4. Um, annoy sworddance to 'tique...........

xD

Thanks, Snoink, messing with the Word document now....I'll repost that, so I don't get another grammar [s]lecture[/s] post...

~Sumi ;)
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Ack- my name!
*whips around, nearly decapitating whoever is standing closest to her*

First of all, I feel I must caution you- and Snoink, but mostly you because it pertains to your post- on the dangers of eliminating the word 'said' and/or limiting your use. Most sources I have found -numerous English teachers, creative writing teachers, and creative writing books- have stated that you should not try to avoid 'said' too much and throw in random synonyms in an effort to get around its use. Why? Because the reader glosses over the word anyway; we get used to seeing it, and our eyes basically skip right the words which follow it- including the adverb. Think about it- if you read a piece where all the dialogue was exclaimed, growled, yelled, demanded, answered, sighed, inquired, begged, cried, wept, and/or shrieked (the list goes on), you'd want to murder the author. More so than Snoink wants to murder your adverbs.

Of course, all that being said, I seem to have read the version after you edited with Snoink's advice, and save to point out that you mistyped the corrections and now you have, "“Hours,” the Geezer, examined the pair of hourglasses" which you need to fix, I like the new version, so you should keep it- without the typos, of course. =P

So in this case, what she said was good advice- I just thought I'd throw that caution out there for you.

I like this section; I'm not seeing terribly much to point out save for a few capitalization issues-
"Questioned Sherman" should lowercase q, "he waved his hand at the set of hourglasses" should be uppercase H, you know, sheka like that.

There were a few things I think could be better... here.

"Rowan dashed over to the window, while the Geezer pulled the lever."
--> I don't like the word 'while' for this place. I think you should just say he dashed over to the window, and the Geezer pulled the lever.

"...the tree-glass slowly moving upright and the sands collapsed against..."
-->"...upright, and the sands..."

"...eventually,” snapped the Geezer."
-->snapped seems too strong there. It's difficult to snap a sentence that long. I would change it to 'the Geezer answered irately', or even just 'said irately.'


...I saved that one for last for a reason. I have to disagree with Snoink on the adverbs thing again. They are not the enemy, not if they are used well and are appropriate for a sentence. There is a bit of a catch, though- they work best if placed right next to the verb.
It is correct both ways, to say "said Rowan" or "Rowan said."
If you look at my work, you'll notice that I use the latter constantly, whereas you use the former. Unfortunately, I think that is part of the reason why Snoink wants to kill your adverbs. I mentioned the readers skim over the word 'said', and that they then land on the next word; that means they would see the adverb and know how it was said, then see the name and the rest of the sentence.
It all depends on usage, arrangement, and whether or not the adverb is necessary or appropriate to the context and to what is being said and how.

The argument that adverbs as a whole weaken the piece cannot be backed well, I find, though I doubt that is exactly what Snoink feels. Just like any other part of speech, they are strong if used well and weak if not.


"If I could, I would delete the memory entirely, taking away the vivid details and replacing it with a sunset."
*raises eyebrow* 'entirely' is an adverb, is it not?
Just thought I'd bring it up. (And that's a strong sentence, too, which is why I chose it.)

Adverbs are not entirely evil. Too many adverbs and misused adverbs are.


Anyway, Baroness, I'm sorry... I spent a wee bit too much time in this thread contradicting other critiquers, which I shouldn't do anyway. You may feel free to smack me. Snoink too.


Back onto the topic of your piece itself. The long section of- what did you call it?- ..."blabbles" is really not a problem. It may seem so because of the online posting format and whatnot, but, forgive me if I'm wrong, it does not seem so long and out of place in your word document, no?
rofl I have about three and a half total pages of that, split once on the second page of it by a conversation, in one of my stories. But I find that it works, because it flows and creates the tone I want- if I do say so myself :roll:


And, mentally picturing how it all would flow together in your story, I'd say it's just fine. Don't worry about it. At the moment, I'm enjoying the nice coasting along that's occurring here; I would dislike it very much if you felt the need to have something EXCITING happen in every single post no matter the length and no matter what else has happened and pile all kinds of troubles on your characters then have to sort through it all in the most dramatic way possible and-
...you get it. The flow of the work as a whole is not at all hindered by this segment, but rather, I'm enjoying it. It fits, it flows, it's overall cohesive and smooth- I wouldn't change it, unless all you want for it is to be absolutely perfect and exciting and whatnot for a posting series online.
That would depress me greatly, if that's all you wanted.


Anyway, I think that's all I have to say for this one, besides once again, well done. *applause*
bei'theh!

~sworddance
Last edited by sworddance on Sun Jun 03, 2007 12:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------




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Hehe! :D

Adverbs weaken a sentence by emphasizing the adverb rather than the other words. Sometimes that's good. A well-placed adverb can beat any other description anyday. Other times, it's strangle-worthy. Unfortunately, your use was strangle-worthy. ;) Still! Inprovement! :D You did good.

A pained expression crossed Leah’s face as a ludicrous idea wormed its way into her mind.
“Are we in the sun?” she asked.


This is a bit closer (anything could be closer, lol) but still, I think you can improve it further. You used very creative language but... there was one word that you used that used that showed me that you were still telling and not showing. "Ludicrous." Like adverbs, bad adjectives can really bring a story down. Now, ludicrous is not a bad adjective in itself, but look at how many strong words you have in the sentence.

A pained expression crossed Leah’s face as a ludicrous idea wormed its way into her mind.

At first, you would think that the more strong words with strong syllables would be better, but actually, milder words mixed in with strong words can bring the strong words out.

Anyway, good luck! Have fun editing. ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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OK, I'm prety hooked now, it's Harry Potter without the hormones. The Geezer seems to be a Gandalf-figure. That's not a perfect analogy but he does remind me of him. Don't worry, I'm not saying you've copied anything or whatever. This treeglass business is strange but that's good. I would still like it explained a bit more, or does that come later.

As for the aderbs and adjectives, I didn't mind the ones you have here but that may just be my durr-ness coming on.

More! It's agonising reading a chapter every two days with a (potential) book. I am used to finishing a book in under three days, this is torture.

Don't worry I'll get over it.
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Everyone else has done the nit pick, and since your edit, sworddance picked out the main things I noticed. I'll just say that I found the whole tree and hour glasses a bit confusing. This is probally me being dense, so don't panic. :wink:

Inky wrote:Saya flew around randomly, sometimes resting on Leah’s hair to annoy her and look at the sometimes-fascinating illustrations splayed across the pages....


I don't think you need that hyphen.

Apart from that, good! It's very helpful, you PMing me when new chapters come out so's I can keep track. :)

-Twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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Ok, I, with my inexperience in grammar, I am not going to find anything of that sort, as everyone else has done that.
(I guess that's the advantage of criting first, you feel as though you've helped)

Anyway, with that aside, I simply love your story, but I think it needs to come back to the light of day or something. It hasn't lost my intrest, but if you don't get back to the real world and other things, it might lose some of captivating power.

Of course I'm not saying you should do this, it just seems that each section I come to gets further and further from what the story seemed to be near the begining. Therefore readers that like the begining might think --- hey, what type of genre is this? Fiction or fantasy? Be confused, and simply lose intrest and *AGGHH* put the book down.

Suffice to say I'm not losing intrest, but that's what I think could happen.

Maybe this wasn't helpfull...

Oh well. :D



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