Lovers

Everyone came out for the jousting contest. Peasants, nobles, even the royals came. Social classes were split. Peasants were told to stand in the mud, dirt going up to their knees as they walk. They stood along side the fence. The nobles and royals, being all-powerful and mighty being that they were, sat in the stand.

Among the nobles was a young woman of newly nine and ten sat with her parents. She looks around with excitement for this was her very first outing. She had been studying all most of her life, never letting her out of the house, so her parents took there for her birthday. She still looks around, watching everyone with excitement.

"Rosaline, are you listening to me?" her mama asked.

"Honestly mama, no, I wasn't," she said, still looking around. Her mama grabbed her chin, forcing Rosaline to look at her mother straight in the eye.

"Now listen here, girl. You're now nine and ten as well as a young woman. You should be looking for a wealth lord," her mama scolded.

"Your mother is right. You should be looking for your future," her papa said.

Her mama let go of her chin. Rosaline turn her attention back to the front. She looked off to the side and saw that the peasants had to stand in the mud.

“I wish they didn’t have to stand in the mud. They are human being too,” she whispered to herself furiously

She looked around the arena and the knights. Then in a second, blue met green. Rosaline saw that a knight was looking at her. She felt tingly for some odd reason. Why? She thought, He isn’t handsome per say, but he is attractive.

"That's Lord Demount look at our girl," her mama whispered to her husband.

"I can tell you, he is not the one for her. Remember, I have ask the royals personally to pick a lord, a real lord, for our Rosaline," her papa whispered back to his wife.

“I just don’t want some nobody lord mess up with the plans for Rosaline’s marriage in the future,” her mama said.

“No need to worry, my dear. No need to worry,” He said to his wife, patted her hand.

Rosaline couldn't believe what she was hearing, but she really didn't care right now. She couldn't stop looking at Lord Demount. He nodded at her then left the arena.

I hope I get to see him again she thought. The trumpets sound.

The jousting had begun.

Hello, Nighty! First off, I enjoyed that you chose to do romantic/historical fiction. It seems like the majority of romantic fiction posted here is modern-day.

While I applaud you for the change of time period, there are definitely some big problems here concerning verb usage and other things. Therefore, time to critique.

Hullo Night Mistress,


A joust has got to be as apt a way as any to begin a story; in truth, it ought to be brilliant. You have knights, action and a girl. But with all the excellent material aside, you're rushing it.

The readers don't know who Rosaline is, nor where she is precisely or even when. Is it King Arthur's time, more or less? If Rosaline is a noble-woman, why do her parents speak with such low-class lack of care?

At the moment, it's rather hazy.


For Starters...

Beginning anything is important. You've got the first few sentences or the first paragraph to catch the readers attention. So write something that connects to the scene, the characters, the action.

Everyone came out for the jousting contest. Peasants, nobles, even the royals came. Social classes were split. Peasants were told to stand in the mud, dirt going up to their knees as they walk. They stood along side the fence. The nobles and royals, being all powerful and mighty that they were, sat in the stand.

In the above, you have a rather vague glance at the event - rather like a history paper explaining the disparate reality of the feudal system.

It doesn't really connect at all to Rosaline or the knight who notices. Why not begin with what Rosaline sees and notices? That way, you'll introduce the scene and Rosaline in one shot.

Punctuation and all that --

You're missing punctuation and such; and it makes things much harder to understand.

i hope i get to see him again she thought. The trumpets sound.

First bit of a sentence - not to mention "I" - always capitalised. Proof-read to make sure you catch that sort of thing. ^_^


...and Conflict?

"That's Lord Demount look at our girl," her mama whispered to her her husband.

"I can tell you he is not the one for her. I have ask the royals personally to pick a lord , a real lord, for our Rosaline," her papa whispered back to his wife.

Here you've got some sort of conflict, or so it seems. But it rather blends in with the rest, as you haven't picked a perspective to take with the thing.

What does Rosaline think of her mum and dad planning her marriage when she's just caught sight a fellow she fancies? What does she think of the joust? If this is her first, why? Is she stunned?

I would try to get into Rosaline's thoughts and re-write it. I think, if you get there, you'll have a lot more to say and quite a bit more drama. ^_^


Good luck; and feel free to PM me about any of that.



IMP

okay. is it a little better then before?

Edit, edit, edit.
If you'd like, I can go over this with a virtual red pen and point out/clean up your grammatical errors, but basic things like that are really the author's job. You didn't even capitalize "I." Before posting a story, it's important to run a spell check and personally go over it with a fine tooth comb, looking for grammatical errors. Some of your sentences don't even make sense: how do you mean by her being "nine and ten"? (If she's nine or ten years old, is this really the first time she's left home?)

If Rosaline is the main character, try explaining things as she sees them. What does she think of the peasants standing in the mud? Is she disdainful ("it's their fault their poor/sucks to be them but I don't care") or does she pity them ("poor things, standing in the mud like that")? That alone could give us a lot of insight to her character. What is it about the knight that captures her attention? He's not particularly handsome, so why does she notice him? What makes him special to her, even though they've just met and never spoken?

I think you've got a good start, plot wise, but you need to add more about the characters and setting in order for us to get into the story and care what happens.

[edit: haha, this is my 69th review. *is [s]a pervert[/s] easily amused*]

Night Mistress wrote:okay. is it a little better then before?

It's very slightly neater, NM. But it hasn't changed much at all. As Meep has noted, it needs quite a bit of editing and clarification. Take it apart and put it back together again. ^_^


(Ah, and Meep - nine and ten would be an archaic and modernly awkward way of putting nineteen.)





IMP

but i took all that courage to to put something back up here.

I know it can be hard to get up the courage to post something, especially when it feels close to you still. But usually, even the the writers who have rewritten things six times themselves before posting, still have to revise things after they've posted.


You've got a good start here. But it's still rough around the edges--and the characters look like they're interesting. But you need to let us see that a bit more vividly, yes?





IMP

I don't feel like re-type it.

No need of doing it immediately. Think it over and when you're ready to keep writing, go over the first bit and touch it up before you go on - you'll have a better story for it. ^_^






IMP

but if i don't it immediately, i will have everyone breathing down my neck about the same things. and same goes for the other chapters.

so, i might as well do it now.

NM -- don't worry about it, by any means. IF you get more critiques with the same thoughts, just take them as confirmation that when you get to it, those are the problems you'll look at. ^_^ I've gotten the same thing -- stories up getting comments even while I'm working on them. Nothing to worry about.






IMP

too late now. i edited it a little bit.

Poor Imp wrote:(Ah, and Meep - nine and ten would be an archaic and modernly awkward way of putting nineteen.)

Oh, duh. I feel like an idiot now. (I've even taken German, so I get how that works! *headdesk*) I think part of what threw me off was that it was her first outing. It was weird if she were nine, weirder if she's really nineteen. (Isn't that a little old for marriagable age back then, or did I forget something?)

Don't get discouraged. The difference between what you've got up now and what you had posted last time I looked it over is amazing! We know a lot more about everything, which makes it much easier to get into the story.

thank you very much. I hope you all will stay tune for the next chapter.