Lovers

Night Mistress · 2007-05-31T18:38:49Z

Everyone came out for the jousting contest. Peasants, nobles, even the royals came. Social classes were split. Peasants were told to stand in the mud, dirt going up to their knees as they walk. They stood along side the fence. The nobles and royals, being all-powerful and mighty being that they were, sat in the stand. Among the nobles was a young woman of newly nine and ten sat with her parents. She looks around with excitement for this was her very first outing. She had been studying all most of her life, never letting her out of the house, so her parents took there for her birthday. She still looks around, watching everyone with excitement. "Rosaline, are you listening to me?" her mama asked. "Honestly mama, no, I wasn't," she said, still looking around. Her mama grabbed her chin, forcing Rosaline to look at her mother straight in the eye. "Now listen here, girl. You're now nine and ten as well as a young woman. You should be looking for a wealth lord," her mama scolded. "Your mother is right. You should be looking for your future," her papa said. Her mama let go of her chin. Rosaline turn her attention back to the front. She looked off to the side and saw that the peasants had to stand in the mud. “I wish they didn’t have to stand in the mud. They are human being too,” she whispered to herself furiously She looked around the arena and the knights. Then in a second, blue met green. Rosaline saw that a knight was looking at her. She felt tingly for some odd reason. Why? She thought, He isn’t handsome per say, but he is attractive. "That's Lord Demount look at our girl," her mama whispered to her husband. "I can tell you, he is not the one for her. Remember, I have ask the royals personally to pick a lord, a real lord, for our Rosaline," her papa whispered back to his wife. “I just don’t want some nobody lord mess up with the plans for Rosaline’s marriage in the future,” her mama said. “No need to worry, my dear. No need to worry,” He said to his wife, patted her hand. Rosaline couldn't believe what she was hearing, but she really didn't care right now. She couldn't stop looking at Lord Demount. He nodded at her then left the arena. I hope I get to see him again she thought. The trumpets sound. The jousting had begun.

You're off to a good start, Night Mistress!

You have begun to introduce us to Rosaline and her family, begun to develop her and allowed her to speak for herself. A major improvement from the last piece of yours I read.

Listen to what Imp said - she's been stealing all my critiquing suggestions lately.

I still noticed a few grammatical things, but I think a simple readthrough would catch them. If you want me to come back and pick out each, PM me.

This still seemed a tad bit rushed as you did not describe the surroundings very much. It's not terribly rushed, but adding some description of the weather, surroundings, some narrative of the knights coming on would ease the reader into the story a bit more easily and make everything less abrupt.

I really don't have anything else to say without echoing Imp, so I'll just wish you good luck editing and say congrats on the improvement. Keep writing and I will await the next installment.

Okay, Night. I decided to read something else by you since I like your work and this caught my eye. I really like stories set in with knights and princesses and damsels in distress. I’m a oldie-romantic at heart, I guess. And this was good. But let me get the individual stuff out of the way first.

The nobles and royals, being all-powerful and mighty being that they were, sat in the stand.

“beings” instead of “being”.
“stands” instead of “stand”

"Honestly mama, no, I wasn't," she said, still looking around.

Comma after “Honestly”.

“I wish they didn’t have to stand in the mud. They are human being too,” she whispered to herself furiously.

“beings” instead of “being”

"That's Lord Demount look at our girl," her mama whispered to her husband.

All right, I know what you are saying here, but it is really oddly worded. Try: ”That’s Lord Demount! And look at him, gawking at our little girl!” her mama whispered… or something like that.

“No need to worry, my dear. No need to worry,” He said to his wife, patted her hand.

Small “h” on “he”
“patting” instead of “patted”

The only other question I have is the “nine and ten” thing. What does that mean??

Other than that, I thought it was good. I know by reading your other comments that you are basically finished with this story but I guess, if you ever choose to continue it, I think it would be good.

Keep Writing!

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