The Sun Prophet

Here's something I'm working on recently, it's not the first chapter on anything, in fact I reckon it's going to be one of the last chapters of a novel I'm working on. But it's nowhere near finished.

Shas'er is the God of the Sun, and also the name of the west continent of my world.

Creva is a country along with Norfor, Tentropolis is a city in Norfor.

Spring, summer and winter are mentioned but I will be replacing these later when I think of a suitable time system.

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A tall man stood in the middle of the ridge, gazing on the darkness beneath him with a sense of overwhelming fear. A swift breeze had picked up around him, sending his long hair fluttering and swirling, and the dark red cape touching his feet swinging back and forth. As soon as the sun rose from its slumber and glimpsed over the towering Mountains of Shas'er, he knew that he and his men would face a beast unleashed, a force none had seen nor imagined before. And when they died, civilisation will fall and the continent will be left bloodied and forgotten.

So they must fight, and they must win. There was no alternative. His hand touched and caressed the familiar grip of his sword. He had been given the best armour the Council of Tentropolis could find, a strong breastplate blazon with the everlasting sun of Shas'er and decorated with the Stars of Norfor. Around his neck hung the Chain of Creva, its warm touch was comforting to Ravin on such a cold morning. He hoped he was ready.

A soft hand touched his shoulder, and he half-turned expecting one of his many military aides. But instead there stood the slim figure of Celareena.

"You need some sleep. It's going to be a long day ahead and we'll need your strength before the end," she said.

To Ravin, her last words said more than any military commander could tell him. It was as if the battle was already lost, the ghost of defeat already lingering over the camp waiting for the moment when all hope faded. He sighed deeply, "Why are we here, Celareena?"

She frowned and said, "To stop the barbarians of course," as if the question was needless.

"No, I mean, why are we here? Why am I here, now? I'm just a smuggler, not a General of men."

She looked at him sternly, "No more talk like that, General," she said, saying the last word with just a hint of amusement, "To bed. Now," and pushed him on his way.

Something about her tone and cold stare told him she wouldn't be sharing it with him.

As he slipped away, reaching under the flap of the canvas and disappearing, Celareena realised it was probably the last time they could share their passion. Never again would she be able to taste the force of his lips on hers, the harsh touch of his beard on her face or the tense feeling of his chest on hers. And as she looked down on the same frightening darkness, she realised she'd never again look on a sunset, never again see the blossoming of spring and the floating snow of winter. Here, at the end of her life, she stood, her brown locks whipping in the wind, her fiery eyes aflame. Here she would die.

There could be no worse place for it to happen. The rugged wildlife and wild grass of the hills didn't appeal to a born and bred city girl. There was no beauty of bright flowers and tall trees, nought but far off mountains and the odd leafless skeleton of a plant hit by autumn's hand. In this ugly land, they would make a fight of it, but it wouldn’t be pretty.
She was no expert of military tactics, but her quick brain could easily see the advantages of their position. The steep ridge would slow the laborious advance of their foe, and the well-trained archers of Norfor would wreak havoc in their lines. The ridge had other benefits, the long grass and it’s height meant most of their forces would be hidden, hiding their real strength and the positions of their best troops and cavalry. Their left flank were mostly protected by the River Tent in it's descent from the mountains, preventing a crippling wide attack by their light cavalry, so deadly to unprotected flanks. The only worry was the right, but Ravin had positioned the pikemen there, supported by a contingent of heavy archers.

Yes, she thought, you might have the numbers, you might have the audacity, but we have something else. The Sun Prophet stand with us, and by the Holy One Himself, we will give you one hell of a fight.

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Comments welcome.

great! I really enjoyed it, the only thing I would check over is spelling. I saw one or two small grammar errors like this:

civilisation-spelt civilization

And also, I think you could have that as the beginning chapter if you edited it a little. Its very exciting, and really grabs the reader's attention.

civilisation-spelt civilization

No it's not. I live in England, it's spelt with an S, not your corrupted form of our blessed language

Well, I think it will be one of my last chapters, the book is generally about he comes to realize his destiny as the Sun Prophet....

Tep, Australian spelling too! You'll think twice before you offend our blessed spelling again!!!
jk
Anyway, I thought this was really, really good. It could work as either a first or a somewhere-near-the-end chapter. It's up to you. If I picked a book up and read that in it, it would deffinately rate good enough to buy.

As soon as the sun rose from its slumber and glimpsed over the towering Mountains of Shas'er, he knew that him and his men would face a beast unleashed, a force none had seen nor imagined before.

him and his men should be he and his men.

A soft hand touched his shoulder, and he half-turned expecting one of his many military aides. But instead there stood the slim figure of Celareena.

The readers are not familiar with the character of Celareena yet, and it seems kind of awkward just leaving her on a limb before she speaks. I'd suggest going into small detail as to what she looks like or something so the reader has a mental idea of what she looks like or what she means to the main character before they continue. i see that you have provided us with deeper insight later on, but dabble a bit when she is first introduced.

other than that, i really liked it, the description toward the ending was lovely, and certainly invited the reader to continue.

Thanks for the comments.

Hawk, ta for spotting the typo. Haven't really properly checked it yet.

As I mentioned, this is going to near the end of a story, I'm sorting out the end first, cos it gives me some direction. So readers should be familiar with Celareena by this time. Though it is a little confusing for someone reading this straight off, I know.

This is pretty good. I love how you show the relationship between Ravin and Celareena. They're both interesting characters. Also I really get the sense that this is the calm before the storm. I like this. Since this is near the end, I'm curious about how they got to this point.

A tall man stood in the middle of the ridge, gazing on the darkness beneath him with a sense of overwhelming fear. A swift breeze had picked up around him, sending his long hair fluttering and swirling, and the dark red cape touching his feet swinging back and forth. As soon as the sun rose from its slumber and glimpsed over the towering Mountains of Shas'er, he knew that him and his men would face a beast unleashed, a force none had seen nor imagined before. And when they died, civilisation will fall and the continent will be left bloodied and forgotten.

Good description here . I love the sense of foreboding.

To Ravin, he last words said more than any military commander could tell him.

typo: "he last words" should be "her last words"

It was as if the battle was already lost, the ghost of defeat already lingering over the camp waiting for the moment when all hope faded. He sighed deeply, "Why are we here, Celareena?"

Gee, he's optimistic . The battle hasn't even started yet and he's already thinking about defeat? Actually I'd be pretty fatalistic too if I were him.

Something about hertone and cold stare told him she wouldn't be sharing it with him.

typo: "hertone" should be "her tone"

Thanks for those typos! Always helpful to have people notice them. I really should edit them in.

Thanks for the comments too mas_cool:

There was a definent sword and sorcery feel to the piece and Ravin comes across well as a reluctant hero. There is promise to this idea but to me it seems a bit skeletal. When you work on deepening this work try to think of what sets your book apart from other epic fantasy. I mean its not like you have to reinvent Middle Earth and have complete languages or anything like that. There's some good stuff here there really is, but I'd like to see it a little beefier, and that will come from writing more chapters. But good start here. Other than that fix the typos that people have pointed out already.

When you work on deepening this work try to think of what sets your book apart from other epic fantasy

This may sound a bit cliche, but I'm not really trying to write to set myself apart from any other books, I'm writing for fun, I'm writing for myself.

Thanks for the comments, though.

Fair enough. Part of critiques is knowing that you don't have to do everything that everyone suggests.

I enjoyed this part of your story! It seems very interesting. If this became a book, I'd certainly try and get it! I loved when you told us the position of certain units and some of their strategy! I love playing war strategy games(for older eras), and this part really...connected(?)/struck a cord(?)/somthing along those lines with me! Although, I had some trouble understanding this line:

Firestarter wrote:Their left flank were mostly protected by the River Tent in it's descent from the mountains, preventing a crippling wide attack by their light cavalry, so deadly to unprotected flanks.

If the river is preventing an attack by their cavalry, how is it an advantage? I'm sure you meant to put 'on' or some related word instead of 'by.' If not, please explain your reasoning and such!
Thanks!

If the river is preventing an attack by their cavalry, how is it an advantage? I'm sure you meant to put 'on' or some related word instead of 'by.' If not, please explain your reasoning and such!

Oops, I guess that sentence can be taken too ways. I didn't really make it clear. The light cavalry are used extensively by the enemy, not Ravin's army. So the river is protecting them from cavalry attack.

I probably should change that; sorry for the misunderstanding.

If you spot anything else like that, just tell, I don't pretend to be an expert in military tactics, but I try

Thanks for reading.

Ah, I see now!

I will! But I'm no expert, either.

You're welcome!

I didn't know that 'civilized' could be spelled 'civilised'. I guess it's like saying 'trainers' instead of 'sneakers'. No hostility against me, please. I just like to compare countries.
Cool chapter.