Thinking of Things Unsaid

i wrote this for a friend of mine who is a really good poet, and she liked this so much when i wrote it for her, she asked me to post it here. feedback always welcomed.
---RED

UNTITLED
deepest dreams
darkest thoughts
thoughts in which cannot be said aloud
day
or night
thoughts of things unsaid

Strange and short. which is good for me as i cannot abide reading long poetry.

I enjoyed it, gave me the feeling of being alone at night and thinking about everything.
Good good

I'll admit it's difficult to get into a short poem, but I found this one especially hard to "click" with. Perhaps try starting out with something that gives us more of a feel for the person speaking--it would give your reader a more instant connection as they would be encountering, not abstract thoughts, but a human being.

Of course, there's always the possibility that you wanted that abstractness, in which case perhaps you could use some adjectives to give more emotion to the peice. On second thought, add the adjectives anyway.

To make any poem worthwhile, the less extra words, the better. To make a short poem worthwhile, what is said in the short amount of space must have gravity far beyond that. This, I believe, falls short.

deepest dreams
darkest thoughts

This image is almost a repeat.

thoughts in which cannot be said aloud
day
or night

The line breaks, I feel, add little to this poem.

thoughts of things unsaid

"thoughts of things that can't be said" move on to "thoughts of things unsaid". Not too much of a drastic change.

The original theme is definitely worth pursuing, but I think you need to rephrase your general statement to make this poem work.

I liked this poem, but I felt that the topic was such a good one that there could be so many other things that could have been said. Oh, the irony. Things unsaid.

Vamp.

I agree 100% with Xanthan gum. There just wasn't enough to do anything good. I felt nothing from the poem. It was just...said.

Also: punctuate! Without punctuation, the poem is missing a whole lot. This might help you: Poetry & Punctuation.

That's really all I can say without repeating what has already been said anymore...

Yeah, it was supposed to be kind of abstract, in which case, yeah, i can see where the adjectives are needed. It was a little depressing because I only had one good comment so far but hey, it's ok. It's just something I wrote-very quickly-while I was bored, and supposed to be working on the Pythagorean Theorem. So, anywho, thatnks for the feedback.

---RED

oh well. criticism that isn't "good" is often the most helpful. getting depressed about it doesn't do much for a person's poetry. Also: "I wrote this like only five minutes" remarks [even if they're true] generally don't fly with serious reviewers.

You can write about things that are abstract - like the unsaid - in a way that isn't abstract. Having a whole mess of things floating around that aren't getting articulated - that leaves a specific feeling. Try and describe that feeling. Is it a taste? some other physical sensation? If you find a concrete way to portray things unsaid [look for: metaphor and imagery], then it will make an abstract subject tangible to the reader, and interesting. Otherwise, this is too vague to be of any interest to someone who doesn't understand what you're talking about already.

This was a really good poem. I especially liked the "deepest dreams, darkest thoughts" line. Something about that was... electric. I think if you made this poem a smidge longer, expanded on the idea a little, you could turn this into a really good piece. Well, I mean, as a separate piece from this one, which was also really good.

Oh, one thing, though. This one line: "thoughts in which cannot be said aloud" clunked a little in my head. It's just a little bit sticky: perhaps because it was so much longer than the other lines. Possibly it would flow better if it was broken up into two lines instead of one long line.

But anyways, great work. Keep it up, and be sure to post more!! I want to see!

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin

i going to say what most people are thinking
the peom is true there are things people would never dare to say and you probaliy(not spelled right i can't spell) just made them realize that the things are there and that they really wouldn't say them out loud
i loved it because it is so very true everyone!!!!!!

It's to abstract to gain anything from. You have to have a hapy medium so it's not flat but not so complex no one gets it. I dont get it. There isn't enough to draw from for me. It could be enlarged a bit and the punctuation could help with the meaning as well.

I didn't understand why "day" had its own line. I think it should have been part of the "night and" line. Good luck.

I'm with Gummy, Clau, euclidean, and Adam here. This looks like you just threw a few abstract, fragmented phrases together and said, "Ah! Poetry!" But poetry is about communication; can you communicate like that? Could you tell someone your emotions using three or four words you picked up from greeting cards and bad songwriting?

Here's a poem of Brad's from a while ago that I really liked. I think you should take a look at it: Unspoken

Better luck next time.
-Colleen

Its not bad, i find that some of the starts to my favorite stories, start off as a quick thing i wrote while i was bored, and then it grows.

too vague.... but still makes me want more and more and more... however, elaborate on the topic....