the prequel

this is the prequel to the unnamed story, some one asked me if i would post it on its own

the prequal:

I am so tired……..tired of morals, tired of hate, tired of sanity, tired of blood lust, tired of judgment, tired of corruption, tired of saving people, tired of punishing crimes, tire of power, tired of life. how I wish I could forget, forget the lies, forget the truth, forget about anger, forget about death……..it has been so long since I slept, it has been so long since iv dreamt, I wonder if I am going mad, it seams like what ever I do to fight the darkness, it just comes back stronger and more eager for the fight and when I ever I fight the light I wind up fighting a different kind of darkness.
They both lie and they both cheat, well I’m tired of fighting for them, I have seen both sides the righteous become what they were trying to destroy and the wicked…..well there just madmen and fools.
When I was young I craved power, I craved it to the point I become a demon, what a fool I was, so eager to destroy, so eager to give up my humanity just for a taste of power, just for a taste of evil, again I remind the reader I was a fool, I had know idea of what price I would pay for power, nor did I care, I was too enamored with my own pride but then I met him, he was also tired, but he was tired of the gods tired of there ambitions, tired of there wars, tired of there excuses. He saved me from my self, and he became a god, the bleeding king my master, he finally showed me the truth, he showed me that I was but a pawn, so then I quested for revenge against both sides, i would be a force the fight against righteous and the wicked. and so i fought until one day I felt the presence of some one mysterious, some one interesting, some one powerful, “and here I thought all the dreamers were dead…… this will need all of my attention“

*whistles between her teeth*

that was a good read, it made me think. I'm going to find more of your stuff now.

though I think it would be more professional if you took out the ellispses, the ...

I also like your siggy.

CL

The whole thing looks very unprofessional, in my opinion. You've got very poor punctuation, for one thing. There many many sentences all rolled into one here.

I would change the around the order of things: talk about the past, and then refer to the present. Or simply put the third paragraph before the other two.

The real weakness this has is its lack of personal details, nuances, unique speech patterns, that make this a real person, not just a type of character. Because that's all I saw her, a description of a type of character, not an individual.

I was also extremely confused.

First of all, I have no idea how to treat this. It could either be a seperate story or a prologue. This is a minor detail, either way it is badly written. Let me describe the momentum of the story.

We begin our tour of this story with high expectations. Immediately we begin to get tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. That whole string of complaints/whining in the beginning kills any hope we had of getting a character we could be inspired by. The momentum of the story slows down to the point where even the most determined reader has to slug it out to move forward.

As it goes on, it becomes a little easier to read, but by that time, we've lost interest.

By neglecting important things like settings and character you've shot yourself in the foot. This isn't a story, this isn't even a prologue. The only thing that neglects setting and character in favor of emotion and feelings are rants. Rants are not good. In fact, they leave a person greatly annoyed, to the point where they are angry they were so bitterly disappointed.

While no one on YWS claims to be professional, we do hope that you will take the advice given and revise the story.

Paragraphs should be seperated into clear lines to make it easier to read. Break your sentances up, the first sentance is about 3 lines in a world processor, break it up, it would be far easier to read and much more... snappy....(for lack of a better word at the time) A full stop is not your enemy, use them a bit more.

[/quote]When I was young I craved power, I craved it to the point I become a demon, what a fool I was, so eager to destroy, so eager to give up my humanity just for a taste of power, just for a taste of evil, again I remind the reader I was a fool, I had know idea of what price I would pay for power, nor did I care, I was too enamored with my own pride but then I met him, he was also tired, but he was tired of the gods tired of there ambitions, tired of there wars, tired of there excuses.[quote]

That is one sentance, by the time i finished reading it i had forgotten what you said at the start. Long sentances are OK, but very long sentances like this get on my nerves. Split it up, for instance, "When I was young I craved power, I craved it to the point I become a demon, what a fool I was . So eager I was to destroy, so eager to give up my humanity just for a taste of power, just for a taste of evil . I had know idea of what price I would pay for power, nor did I care, I was too enamored with my own pride . Then I met him, he was also tired, but he was tired of the gods tired of there ambitions, tired of their wars, tired of their excuses." Thats one sentance into 4. I suggest you break up most of this prequal into shorter sentances and stop using a comma so often.

Repeating certain words is also a good thing in writing, just dont overdo it, 11 "tired"s in the first sentance, the words that come after a good words, but there are too many of them.

You have got a good idea here, a baddie turned goodie going to look for someone at the end, thats the point of a prequal, to set the scene. I was interested in where this story was going, i like where this could be going, but i could not enjoy reading it because of the sentance structure, and thats part of getting a good story too. This could honestly go somewhere, and its a good start, just get your sentances sorted out.

This is interesting. I does set the scene for a good story ... except as the others have already mentioned, things like grammer and organisation of the content bring it down.

I am so tired……..tired of morals, tired of hate, tired of sanity, tired of blood lust, tired of judgment, tired of corruption, tired of saving people, tired of punishing crimes, tire of power, tired of life.

The basic idea of this is good. I know how it feels to be sick to death of everything. Even things that should seem good. But ... the grammer is bringing you down I'm afraid. Firstly, dot dot dots are just that, dot dot dots. Three dots. And only three.
Secondly ... the tired thing bugs me too. Maybe if you put "tired" at the beginning so you won't have to repeat it, like:
I am so tired ... tired of morals, hate, sanity, blood lust, judgement, corruption, saving people, punishing crimes, power, and tired of life.
Still, this list might be a little long. You could try to cut some of the less important ones out, that might help.

how I wish I could forget, forget the lies, forget the truth, forget about anger, forget about death……..

Capital letters begin sentences. Remember that, it's a compulsory rule, not an optional one. Starting sentences with capitals and remembering fullstops exist gets you half way towards people taking your work seriously.
Now, the forget thing is the same as the tired one. Too repetative, but the list of things this person is tired of is a more managable length, which is good.

it has been so long since I slept, it has been so long since iv dreamt, I wonder if I am going mad, it seams like what ever I do to fight the darkness, it just comes back stronger and more eager for the fight and when I ever I fight the light I wind up fighting a different kind of darkness.

iv is spelt "I've" when you're writing something you want people to take seriously. Just look at Fontroy. He's improving on the chat speak thing, but still, that was ANNOYING when he did it.
Also, try to remember that sentences are single ... things. Bugger, I've fogotten. Now I've made myself look dumb ... oh well, on with the critique. I think the gist of it is try to only get one action or thought in a sentence. There are a couple of places I'd use fullstops instead of commas, eg, I'd have I wonder if I am going mad as a sentence on it's own.
... and "seam" is actually spelt "seem".

They both lie and they both cheat, well I’m tired of fighting for them, I have seen both sides the righteous become what they were trying to destroy and the wicked…..well there just madmen and fools.

Put a fullstop or comma (if comma then put a fullstop after "I'm tired of fighting for them") after "I have seen both sides" and maybe a comma after "destroy". Also, only three dot dot dots.

I need to finish this some other time, my brother is demanding access to the computer.