The Wanderings Part 1 (so far)

A storm was brewing over him....

Hmm, how about, "A storm brewed overhead," or something like that?

The wind was picking up and things were being blown off the ground, Wyes began to run...

That sort of made it hard to understand, like it really didn't flow. I think you should say something like, "Wyes began to run as the wind blew things off the ground," but even that doesn't work. What is being picked up off the ground? I need more description to get into this.

My biggest problems were your sentences. Like, I do tend to be an really in depth editor, because I'm good at making things flow, but I really don't have time right now. Basically everything's just really choppy, and it the sentences don't flow smoothly into each other. But your plot and storyline are really good, it's just a matter of getting the flow down. Hope that helped!

Wyes saw his parents ‘how can this be’ he thought to himself.

Two seperate thoughts. Split them - "Wyes saw his parents. How can this be? he thought to himself." Or something like that. Anyhow, I think we need more details on this. You don't really have enough. Too briefly done. Doesn't do the situation justice.

He saw a house, his house, the door was left open which was unusual for his family to leave the door open like that.

First bit before the first comma is not needed. Just amalgamate the first two bits into "He saw his house," The sentence could do with some restructuring too. Maybe, - "He saw his house, but the door was left wide open, which was unusual. His family never left the door open."

Everything became hazy then came into focus,

I think we should have learnt by now *shakes fists* Split different ideas! "Everything became hazy, and then (slowly) came into focus." The adverb is in brackets because I think one is needed here.

Yeh, I'm going to stop highlighting the same mistakes. Just put commas in better places, okay?

Also, by reading the description, I think it's a little rushed and not elaborate. Slow it down, insert a few more adjectives, a few more adverbs, a bit more emtoion! Delve into the guy's mind, let's feel it a bitmore.

Anyway, it's alright at the moment. I'll plug away some more later.

lol, ok, i need to work on descriptions, and grammar, grammar is not a problem to fix.

It's got a really good plot and it's written quite well but what I would suggest is to put in more description like you've been thinking. Slow it down a little and make it move more smoothly, at the moment it keeps jumping. It kind of feels like I'm reading something more close to a plot line than an actual story. Otherwise it's quite a good story so far.

hey dude
funky story
anyway ummm yh
byeeeeeeeeeeee
xxxluv yaxxxx

Glad to see that you posted it.
Has it been edited at all since my review? I did not bother to read it before commenting.

Get crackin man! Get us a part two!

~Reyu

Added an un-finished prologue.
And Ray, I still haven't finished part 1

Cool. I don't like the beginning though. You should have put " Storm brew overhead." That's all.

Past Tense and yeah, I haven't really gotten around to editing it. (I've got the time, i'm just extremely lazy)

*cracks fingers* Right.
First, I'm going to be nit-picky, so don't take it personnally.
Secondly, I might not finish all this now, if not I'll come back tomorrow and pick up where I left off.

And now ...

The village of Holtmeir, was a quiet one, but beautiful, the luscious forests, with their fauna and flora, and near the outskirts, was a small family. A father, a mother, and a son. The father worked everyday, to provide for his wife and son, he was a blacksmith, his hands rough from the work. The mother, stayed at home to care for the son, and tend to the house, her hugs warm and loving. The son, bright, strong, but restless

um ... do you know how to use commas? Because, if you don't I'll run through something now which I always keep in mind when writing them, it may help you. "Commas indicate a pause."
Ok, so The village of Holtmeir, was a quiet one, but beautiful, the luscious forests, with their fauna and flora, and near the outskirts, was a small family. read that, pausing where ever you hit a comma ... where should the commas NOT be? I think It would be better to write it something like this The village of Holtmeir wasn't a loud, busy place (eliminate the "one" thing too, which sounded wrong to my ear). This did not mean it wasn't beautiful, with luscious forests and their diverse flora and funa (I would avoid that "flora and funa" bit, actually). Near the outskirts lived a small family. In the family there was a father, a mother and a son (or better yet, a blacksmith, his wife and their son, elimiating the need to say the father was a blacksmith) ... etc Something like that. And, merely on a note of curiousity, why does a blacksmith want to live on the outskirts of town? I'd want my shop right in the middle, with all the competition, and my house either next door, or on the next floor which was how things tended to be organised in the middle ages ....

Wyes walked along the path. A storm was brewing above him. The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down; lightning streaked across the dark surroundings, it struck the nearby tree creating a flash that silhouetted him against the illuminated night sky. He searched the surroundings, and noticed light seeping through the dense dank forest ahead. He started towards the light. Wyes began to run, the wind was picking up, and things were being blown dangerously close to him. Lightning was viciously striking the trees all around him. He was sprinting for his life. A tree fell blocking the path directly in front of him. He tried to back up. He tripped. Everything went black-

Cut down on the forms of the verb "to be" here (but don't follow the rule over the edge of the earth, "was" is not a bad word unless it's used too often) A storm was brewing above him. The rain was beginning to come down Well, I think the second sentence there needs changing to something else ... you know, something poetic and all that stuff or you could go He had known the storm was brewing for some time, now the weather broke and rain battered down .... etc

Wyes saw his parents ‘how can this be’ he thought to himself.

I believe someone has already suggested changing this to separate sentences. I'd do that.

He turned to his father, he also faded, and everything went black.

Instead of and everything went black you could try to eliminate that "and" by going something like leaving him in blackness. And's get annoying after a while.

Everything became hazy then came into focus, he was inside he heard screaming his mother came into view, a man was chasing after her. He ran to help her but he couldn’t move there seemed to be an invisible barrier that had formed between him and his mother. The man stabbed her in the back Wyes screamed out in protest but nothing came out. His father ran in with an axe in his hand and tried to cut the man with it. However, the man was to fast for his father. The man came up from under him and shoved his dagger up into his father’s lung, his father staggered and managed to slice the man down one side of his face. Then his father collapsed next to his wife.

Sentences need to be divided and lengthened in this passage "A sentence is a single idea" -- thankyou Mr Rowe, my year 9 English teacher. Try to keep that in mind when you can't seem to get a sentence right. Also, try to show us what Wyes is feeling. Because, if my mother was stabbed in front of me ... I wouldn't just scream, I'd be in shock, which means I'd be feeling sick, my legs would be shakey, I'd also be filled with disbelief, riddled with doubt whether the dream is true or not, and I'd be scared shitless (pardon my French). I might be too shock to scream, I wouldn't know for certain, my mother has never been stabbed in front of me. Wyes must be pretty insensitive too just scream.
And as for the rest ... add poetry ... you know "romance". Be fancy. A little metaphor and some similies would brighten this bit up to no end. Stuff like "fast as lightning".




Ok, I'll continue this tomorrow, I've gone WAY over my "time limit" (which I've been ignoring lately) and the Simpsons are on.

OK, well, I'm back already because I finished all my homework and got bored.

Wyes knew what he was looking at, he was seeing himself a week after his parents murder.

i don't get how he knew it was a week later ... I mean "later" I could understand, but how does he know it's been a week? This might well be one of my dumb moments though...

He became a social outcast no one even knew he existed.

Show don't tell! How does he know the figure of himself he's seeing is a social outcast anyway?

*swears* I had a HUGE critique done, as an edit to the last post, and it went and logged me out because it took so long, and didn't post it. Damn. I'll come back and do it again tomorrow, I'm tired now.

Hi I'm only eleven so I might not know that much yet about grammer and stuff ... but still ... I'll try.
Before I start I'm just going to tell you that I think this is a really good story that I enjoyed reading ... but you need to work on your grammer.

Now, we begin (PS, El's my sister, can you tell?)

The rain was beginning to come down so Wyes pulled his hood down; lightning streaked across the dark surroundings, it struck the nearby tree creating a flash that silhouetted him against the illuminated night sky.

I don't think you need to write "down" twice. It sounds repetive.

Wyes woke from the dream but kept his eyes shut, he heard the wind howling. He opened his eyes just enough so he could see were he was. He seemed to be in a small cottage of sorts Wyes wondered how he got there, then he noticed movement in one of the corners of the room. He opened his eyes fully and got up from were he lay. He reached for his sword at his belt. It was not there. So naturally his bow would not be on his back either. He looked around him then the movement in the corner slowly formed into a person, an elderly woman.

I like this bit, it's good.

“I found you out in the forest you had been knocked unconscious” she said
“Hi my name’s Brenda”
“Hi, I’m Wyes” Wyes put his hand out cautiously

You need to add punctuation before ending speach marks. Also, you need to put fullstops at the end of sentences so "she said" needs a fullstop.

“welcome to Sorrowind you came in the best season” She said sarcastically.

CAPITAL LETTERS begin sentences, "welcome" needs a capital. (and punctuation before closing speach marks)

Wyes suddenly realized he was chilled to the bone “Do you have something warm I can drink?” she handed him a cup of tea she had just made

Ditto, and for the rest of your dialogue throughout the story.

“Hey” he called out to the girl, the girl looked up from the corner she had blood on her fore head.

I'd put a fullstop between "girl" and "the girl"

She had long straight dark brown hair, brown eyes she was tall and thin

Yet again, this needs to end with a fullstop. I hate that "she was tall and thin" there needs to be a conjunction between "brown eyes" and "she was ...". We've been learning about conjuntions, they're joining words. I got full marks on the test!
Plus, show don't tell. Like you do "her long brown hair was matted with blood" or "her long brown hair blew in her face" or "Her eyes were as dark as the room surrounding her..." You know, go nuts with that, because it's more interesting then "she had long (COMMA, It's a list after all) straight (COMMA) dark brown hair".

Kathleen hesitated at first and then decided it was best to listen to the boy, as the girl got up onto the roof the house started to creak the girl got off the roof just as the room collapsed on Wyes…

Read that in one breath, with no pauses except for the comma (NO breaths, just a puase). I can't do it. Now rewrite it.

Wyes was knocked out for the second time that day; the next thing he remembered is the girl jumping off the roof.

You changed tenses here. "is" should be "was".

Wyes woke up underneath a bed of ruble, he felt tremendous amount of pain in his ribs Wyes was trying to think what did this to him but he couldn’t recall what happened, it all came back to him in a few minutes when he looked around were he laid.

Read in one breath, same deal deal with the pauses (Commas aren't breathing marks, they're just pauses. Fullstops are where you breath.) Now rewrite it. "laid" should be "lay"

Wyes tried to shift some of the ruble but all he managed to do was clear a small hole so that he could see outside, he was shifting so he could see out the hole when he felt something stabbing into his back. He grabbed the thing that was stabbing him in the back and pulled it in front of him. It was the remains of his long Bow.

Firstly, does he still have his long bow? I recall him waking up without it a while back ...
Secondly, do the sentence thing again.

Wyes laid there for what seemed like hours, all of the sudden he came up with an idea.

Did he really?
I am dictating to El, who can type faster (Happy Lizard found all these mistakes by herself, I assure you) and we both have a THING about the word suddenly, or sudden. For El, this is because she read a picture book when she was eight that began each page with the word "SUDDENLY ..." and has twitched when ever reading it since. For me, it just sounds WRONG, and corny.

El will now continue with my critiqueing ... I could have done more (This is FUN) but she insists it's her turn.

I didn't do any of those examples or find any of those mistakes for her. *is proud*

(Sorrowind was named because of the hurricanes that occur annually).

*says primly* We're Australian, they're cyclones. Americans call them hurricanes, the Japanese call them typhoons, and we call them cyclones. So, unless you're trying to set this in America, which judging from the time setting you aren't, I think "cyclone" is better. Also, that sentence sounds ... awkward. I'd go with something like "The town was named Sorrowind because it was frequently battered by cyclones".
PS, what sort of climate is this set in? You mention jungles, panthers and cyclones (tropical cyclones only occurr within a certain distance from the equator ... not sure about other types, haven't learnt them) so I guess tropical from that ... but the social structure seems European.

He was wondering why he hadn’t been crushed alive.
There should be at least half a ton of rock and wood on top of him, he was thinking then he realized when the house collapsed he must have slipped under the girls’ bed.

The apostrophe is wrong, is should be girl's because the bed belongs to only one girl.

Wyes tried to shift some of the ruble but all he managed to do was clear a small hole so that he could see outside, he was shifting so he could see out the hole when he felt something stabbing into his back. He grabbed the thing that was stabbing him in the back and pulled it in front of him.

*rubble

The hospital was full of people that had been hurt in the storm. The doctors were trying as hard as they could to get around to help but there was just to many people. Wyes volunteered to help but the doctors refused to let a ‘civilian’ help them so Wyes went to a private hospital to recuperate for a week or two then he went to his room at the Elvin hotel.

Hmmmm ... I don't know if there would have been hospitals in the time you set your story in. I'm not sure though ... but I'm pretty sure that in England doctors were called surgeons and they had some pretty barbaric medicine practices. Also, I don't a doctor would send away help in the middle of a medical crisis. If the doctors held some high status, it would have to be pretty high for their pride to be worth the deaths of innocent people in their care. They'd need people to carry things around for them, pass things, comfort patients etc. They'd need the help.

The judges acknowledged the move as a killing blow and declared Wyes the winner of the competition. Wyes collected the winner’s purse of 500 gold ingots. The other two tournaments were only 100 gold ingots for winning.

Do you know what an ingot is? It's a bar of some kind of metal. 500 gold (pure gold too, no carats back then) ingots is A LOT of money.

“Hi Norman” Wyes said. They started running. Norman pulled out a custom made high-powered crossbow with an auto-reloading five shot magazine “Impressive” exclaimed Wyes.

Whoa, yeah impressive. It was the Chinese who went in for reloading, rapid fire crossbows. Europeans only got the ones with all the extras as big weapons that needed stands and a few men working them as far as I know ... but since I don't know where you've set your story, this is just an interesting fact. But I would like to say that invincible weapons aren't good for a stories health, so it had better take a long time to leload with another clip ...
Also, you seem to be writing a lot more naturally when using the terms used for guns. Maybe you'd enjoy writing in other genres that you can use guns in too?

“Do you need assistance with your leg” the healer said

You had doctors before, but now they're called healers? might need to check back on that.

“Hello Kathleen” Wyes said
“Oh hi Wyes” Kathleen said,
“ Well did you have any troubles getting here?” Wyes said
“No not really, what about you” she said
“ A little bit, a troll” Wyes said casually
“Oh just a little bit” Kathleen said sarcastically “is that what did that to your leg” she said
“ Ah, no that was a midget from Cinter” he said awkwardly
“ Right, well I gotta go” said Kathleen
“Seeya later” Wyes shouted as she walked away just then he noticed she was wearing armor and had a long sword in its sheath that was strapped to her leg.

That's a pretty short conversation. I'd lengthen it, but not by adding information about the weather and things. Here, there is no new infor mation conveyed except for that she has a sword, and is in the same place as him. You don't need to tell us they're talking about stuff we already know happened, it's just repetitive. Also, he saved her life, but when they see each other they talk for about five seconds then just walk away. It's just not ... realistic.

It was not long before Wyes found a way to make money actually, he was surprised he didn’t think of it before.

It was not long before Wyes found a way to make money FULLSTOP Actually, he was surprised he didn't think of if before.
Read the sentence, pause at commas, breath on fullstops ... try this when editing. These sentences make it hard to read.

All he had to do was find a suitable arena and hold his own tournament but it would have to be private or he would be fined up to 1000 gold ingots

That gold ingots thing still bugs me ... pure gold is worth a lot, but you're using huge sums like 500, or 1000 and acting like it was nothing ... the land must be made of gold for it to be worth so little.

Something caught Wyes’s eye it was a suit of half plate armor. It had breastplate arm and leg armor plating made of steel it cost him 500 gold ingots. So now he needed money again but he knew a place were he would be able to get money

Plate armour, (I'd like to see the Australia spelling form you too) even half plate armour must be tailored to the wearer. You can't just walk into a shop and buy it. Someone needs to take measurment, they need to go away and make it ... it takes time. Plus, I think you made it to cheap. In Europe only knights could afford it.

Wyes left town again and headed for Guoge. The town where you could get any job for good pay especially mercenary jobs but Wyes was not to know that.

Do the reading thing again.

Wyes went through the jungle again just to check out the troll or where the troll should have been all Wyes could find was five crossbow-bolts covered in blood. Wyes looked around there weren’t any troll tracks but it looked like someone had got a bunch of horses and dragged it away, but what would be the point of that trolls dead or alive weren’t worth anything they weren’t even any good to eat. Wyes kept on walking until he got to Guoge.

And this bit too.

Wyes walked to the door and noticed a small sign near the door, the sign said: Want a job? Check out our variety.

Reading wasn't the sort of thing a blacksmith's son could do back then. And I doubt they'd write anything on a sign for that very reason, all the signs would be in symbols. Like a picture of a hammer for a backsmith ... I can't remember where I learnt that.

Wyes watched the troll pull the spikes out, he was shocked no living thing should be able to survive being stabbed at least 10 times each time around 12 inches deep and still be alive there must have been black magic involved.

Read that too.

Wyes picked up his sword off the ground started to charge at the beast. Any person would have thought Wyes was crazy, not many people had ever had a direct encounter with a troll and lived to tell the tale. Never-the-less Wyes ran at the half dead troll at started slashing at it as fast and as hard as he could. It was a fight for survival. The troll started to fight back waving its razor edged claws Wyes had the bad fortune to have one make contact with his face leaving a dead straight cut down his left cheek.
The man now was not amused but he now was amazed, the boy had managed to survive the blow and started to run towards the troll. The child was crazy he would never survive, he was already bleeding from a few spots on his stomach and on his face.
The troll did not know what to think, no creature had ever started to attack it before. A shrill screeching noise emanated from behind the troll.

This whole troll fight reminds me of Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer. Have you read it?

“You will find out soon enough,” the man said as he injected Wyes with a tranquillizer.

Did they have needles then? I don't know, but I doubt it. Also, I think back then, the most reliable tranquilizer would be a blow to the head, I don't think they had aneseptic, because most of their surgery was performed with the patient well and truly awake.

“Right well why does there need to be 2 people” Wyes said cautiously

You must write 2 as two, because the number is lower than ... I think it's 100, I don't remember exactly.
Plus all this dialogue needs to be throughly check over for gramma and punctuation errors.

The same dagger had killed his parents.

no no no no ... wait ... I thought he only dreamed that ... Confused.



Overall, this was a very interesting story, and I liked it. You really need to work on your grammer though. Also, I noticed that the further you went into the story, the better the quality of your writting became. Your characters gained there own distinct "voices" and the dialogue seemed much smoother and less forced. Well done!!!

lol, ok, i need to work on descriptions, and grammar, grammar is not a problem to fix

Grammer is no problem to fix, as long as you get round to it. Thinking that grammer is no problem, and putting it off will only make it never get fixed. Plus, it's really annoying reading an intersting story through a veil of bad grammer...

Just so you know, the whole hurricane/cyclone/typhoon thing, when I wrote that part, I didn't know about that (seeming that part was written almost a year or 2 ago)
Now, as for the ingot. This particular ingot, is my own ingot, my own currency, but I suppose I should have somehow gotten that across to the reader.
'This whole troll fight reminds me of Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer. Have you read it? '
Happens to be one of my favourite books. And yes I was thinking the same thing when I wrote that particular scene.
and I've just gotten really lazy and not gotten around to it, i'll have to make myself get around to it this weekend.