Spanish Dance

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Spanish Dance


It was like a perfectly coordinated dance: the bobbing and weaving of carts and shoppers, the friendly greetings, and the words, each flowing and spinning and dancing around her. Yes, it was like a dance; a dance that she could never learn.

Sighing hopelessly, Lynnie returned to her attention to the books perched on her knees. An English-Spanish dictionary partially covered a messy loose-leaf paper, and a dulled pencil balanced on the well-worn cover. Gently separating the pages, she browsed for the next vocabulary word her father had instructed her to look up this morning.

“Church,” she muttered, shifting the loose-leaf to a writing position. Her spidery handwriting echoed her words. “Church is an organization that takes pleasure in sending missionaries and their families to foreign places with weird languages, and gross foods, and…” Lynnie’s pencil traced squiggles through the words. Darker and darker the line became until her conscience was at ease that her father wouldn’t be able to read the original. How often had she reminded herself of her dad’s obligation to the church, of her own sacrifice for God’s sake? And how often had she sat in self-pity as she watched the whole country of Spain swirl around her, so fast, so perfect, so oblivious to the exotic American wallflower?

Abandoning the dictionary into her bag, Lynnie pulled her knees up Indian style and allowed her head to rest on her palms. Her fingers pulled her course, blonde hair away from her eyes, allowing a total view of the hustle and bustle of Spanish market street. A plump old woman haggled with a bread vendor.

“No, no, presumible Martes y Miercoles,” the vendor repeated, strengthening the woman’s exasperation. She rolled her dark eyes and flounced away.

Across the street, two men were talking intensely. Words flew speedily, as if competing with each other to see who could finish first.

To Lynnie’s left, three girls, roughly her own age, stood in a lop-sided circle. A tall, dark haired girl was emphasizing words with smooth movements of her arms and wiggles of slender fingers. Peals of laughter perforated the spill of Spanish words.

Lynnie forced her attention to a blade of grass growing between two bricks on the street. She prayed that her eyes hadn’t sparkled enough to show her pitiful longing. She hoped that her rosy cheeks hadn’t mirrored her absent-minded thoughts of her own friends. Gently tugging the green shoot, she hazarded another look at the girls. To her horror, the tall girl was walking towards her, a grin brightening her intelligent face.

“Hola!” she called, waving her hand in a friendly greeting.

Rising to her feet and ignoring the embarrassment clouding her thoughts, Lynnie remembered the response her dad had taught her on the flight leaving Illinois.

“Yo soy Marisol,” the girl announced upon reaching Lynnie.

“No hablo espanol,” Lynnie countered apologetically, her gaze resting on the girl’s sandals. To her surprise the sandals didn’t retreat.

“Oooh,” the girl laughed, a language that they both understood, “No, no, Marisol.” She directed both thumbs towards herself and spoke slowly, watching Lynnie for any recognition.

“Oooh, You mean your name is Marisol?” Her cheeks flushed red as Marisol’s blank gaze displayed her mistake, “Me llamo Lynnie.”

Marisol smiled again, revealing two rows of bright teeth. She emitted a stream of more words, met by a perplexed stare on Lynnie’s pale face. Pausing, she reached into her brightly colored purse, and rose again with a pen. Signaling for Lynnie to put her hand out, she etched a message along her arm, and spiraling to end in her palm.

“Adios, Lynnie,” she said finally, and turned back to the pulsing world just beyond an American’s grasp.

Examining her arm with curiosity, Lynnie extricated the dictionary from her bag. With each scribble she decoded, excitement rose in her chest. Finally, her spidery letters had translated the message on to the more stable medium of loose-leaf.

“Meet me here tomorrow around noon. –Marisol”

A grin emerged on Lynnie’s face, the first in many weeks. Gathering her books together, she hurried to follow the steeple’s shadow towards the church. Her eagerness to retell the afternoon’s events to her dad fueled her run down the street. She bobbed and weaved through booths and vendors, and called apologies to bumped shoppers. Her world seemed to spin with excitement, to flow with purpose, and to almost dance in synchronization with Spain.




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Wow- well written. Very well written, in fact, and very few typos. I appreciated this one because I'm taking Spanish, as, I presume, you are? Unless you speak it natively, of course. Forgive my ignorance whichever case it may be. Your descriptions of Spain from an outsider's point of view are beautiful, and I especially love how you use the dance image; now that I think of it, that's exactly how I would describe it. It was so very appropriate, quite the pleasant thing for me to find! :D
You've used good characterization, also; we get an immediate feel for Lynnie's situation and how she feels about it, and right away we have sympathy. At least, that's what I found. And it all flows quite beautifully.

Anyway, other than praise, here's what I see. It took me a little while to realize that Lynnie was outside, and once I did, I still didn't know where she was. I see the market image, but it's still unclear as to where exactly she is and why she's there. I'm not certain where you could find a place to fit that in, but perhaps if you decide to, you can find a good way to show it.

A couple issues:

"...until her conscience was at ease that her father..." -->this is awkward; I suggest rephrasing it. Perhaps, 'until she had convinced herself that...'
Also, that part took me a second to understand that she was striking through the words so her father couldn't read what she didn't want him to see. To clarify this, I suggest adding to it so it reads something like, "Lynnie’s pencil traced squiggles through the words, striking them out."
Whether you add that or not, I think that sentence needs to be a new paragraph.

"Her cheeks flushed red as Marisol’s blank gaze displayed her mistake, “Me llamo Lynnie.”"
--> "...mistake. 'Me llamo...'"

"Her fingers pulled her course, blonde hair..." --> 'coarse'

One other thing. I suggest, when you speak in Spanish, you use Spanish punctuation, such as, "¡Hola!"
It gives it a more exotic appearance, emphasizing the difference.
And when you say 'espanol', you've got to have 'Español," "squiggly" included.
If you don't know the right keycode things to make it insert the accents and such, you have a couple options.
If you have a program such as Microsoft word where you can change the language, highlight the Spanish parts and change them to the right language, and you'll get autocorrect options, which will help with everything else anyway.
If you don't, you can always go into Google, hit language tools, and type the word 'Spanish', for example, make it translate for you, then copy and paste.
(been there, done that, hehehe)

Other than those things, it's beautiful. I want to see more of this. I like how you ended this segment, too, btw. Well done. PM me when you get the next up :D
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------




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I really really liked this :D

I have never been to spain (I am going next year though, with school!) and I feel like I know what to expect now that I have read this. I think the way you showed how hard it is for Lynnie to incorporate herself into the spanish society would be pretty universal to anyone dropped into a country where they don't speak the language, it's universal and you captured it without allowing it to become cliche :wink:

"“Adios, Lynnie,” she said finally, and turned back to the pulsing world just beyond an American’s grasp."
IMO this was just a briliant line.

I couldn't really tell you anything that needs improvement, except that it wold be better if there was more of it *hint, hint* lol!
However I am a strong believer that a piece can always be improved and can always stand to be revised again, so there, thats kind of constructive... I think.

Write more please
-Gen
"There is no happiness in love, except at the end of an English novel."
-Anthony Trollope




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Thanks for the critiques.
Actually, i have never been to Spain and the Spanish program at my school is a joke.
So this is all very encouraging actually.
thanks!
=)
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
-Michael Pritchard




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I really loved this piece, and i hope theres many more to come.
Do you have a website and what inspired you to this piece.

One other thing. I suggest, when you speak in Spanish, you use Spanish punctuation, such as, "¡Hola!"
It gives it a more exotic appearance, emphasizing the difference.
And when you say 'espanol', you've got to have 'Español," "squiggly" included.
If you don't know the right keycode things to make it insert the accents and such, you have a couple options.
If you have a program such as Microsoft word where you can change the language, highlight the Spanish parts and change them to the right language, and you'll get autocorrect options, which will help with everything else anyway.
If you don't, you can always go into Google, hit language tools, and type the word 'Spanish', for example, make it translate for you, then copy and paste.
(been there, done that, hehehe)




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The others have made most of the points I would so I wont repeat them but I would like to say that this is brilliant and so easy to relate too. When you had her thinking about the church, the spanish word (iglesia) immediately came to my mind because, just under a year ago, I was in spain trying to track down a small church that my family wanted to visit and at the time I had barely started my spanish course so all I could say was “¿Dónde está la Iglesia?" in a rather poor accent. Oh and we just happened to be in a market place.

The fact that you haven't been to Spain shows a little through your lack of description but what you do have is amazingly accurate. Perhaps mention narrow little streets leading away from the market and pretty, white buidings. It's really great though and I love all your characterization.
Writing Gooder

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Aww... poor Lynnie! Mind you, I think the introduction was a little bit too "woe is me!" but that could just be a preference taste, so whatever. In any case, preference or not, don't say "like a" in the first paragraph. You want to display concrete stuff in the first paragraph, your lovely introduction, so the less abstract you are, the better.

With that said, though I realize the conflict is not her understanding Spanish and then her surprise that those girls (Marisol, etc.) actually want to be with her, I think the conclusion wants more than just her happily going off, happy that she is wanted in a world so unlike her own. Instead, see if you can continue it and come up with a more satisfying ending. It's okay as it is now, but only okay, so you can do a lot more with this.

So I guess what I'm asking for is a (#) in it's own paragraph to denote that you're changing the scene and then something more so you can go to The Grand Climax. And I'm not asking for a whole novel of this (though it's not impossible to think of it becoming a novel) just a better ending.

LOL, this might be possibly the first critique where I suggest continuing it instead of stopping.

Pero me gusta el cuento y ojala que escribas mucho. ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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