Cup Cakes

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:!: Just incase you didn't see my post on Ice Cubes #18 My creative writing teacher wants to send off Ice Cubes so I won't be posting it for a while, atl;east until she gives me some news. Anyway, this is the very beginning of Cup Cakes, I have been working on this for a while and it is the Follow up to Ice Cubes!

:!: Obviously contains spoilers from Ice Cubes, but hey this is all I'm posting for now! Enjoy!

Reviews are greatly appreciated!

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The day I met Ben my life changed. He picked me up from that mess that Chris had left me in and turned me into this person. This high achieving person and I love him for that. The only thing that annoys me about Ben is his nose hair. It’s not like he leaves it to grow or anything, it’s that he whizzes it out of his nose with this electric thing and leaves the hairs in the sink. Every time he does it I march him back into the bathroom and make him wash it down the plug hole. But he does it every time.

I first met Ben when I went for my Job at Planet Blue. He was the one interviewing me. I remember thinking, he looks like an idiot. He had natural blonde hair and blue eyes, that stereotypical pretty boy look. That is why I had an immediate dislike to him. The day he called up was the day after I had my foot operation that i desperatly needed because Chris had crushed my bones, which was completly unfriendly of him. My mobile vibrated across the sofa but I didn’t answer it, I just waited until Chris picked it up and slipped it into my hand. I was taking advantage of the fact that I was temporarily disabled because of him.

“Hey is that Jamiy?” the voice on the other end of the phone belonged to Ben, I recognised it straight away. In the interview all I could focus on was his accent, it was normal…but with a hint of Scottish.

“Yeah.” Chris looked at me, half puzzled half in bewilderment.

“Hi, this is Ben from Planet Blue, I was wondering if you were still interested in the job?”

“Yeah sure I am!” I was amazed, this was going to be my first job ever.

“Great! Well, could you start Sunday?”

“Oh…well there may be a problem there, see, I have just had this operation on my foot, but it should heal quickly, I could start next Sunday if that’s ok?”

“Sure that’s absolutely fine. I will give you a call sometime in the week to talk about ordering your uniform, hope you get better, bye!” And he was gone. I flipped my phone down and let Chris pull me into a hug.

“I got the job.” My voice was muffled into his shoulder.

“Great.”


Planet Blue was the Ipswich Town football shop. It was situated in the actual football stadium, what attracted me to the job was the simple fact was that they had a huge window behind the tills that looked out onto the pitch. Three weeks of working there and the novelty had worn off. But my fixation with Ben had grown. He had this way of talking to me that made me feel better than his other employees, he used to put Cadburys mini eggs in the office fridge with a post-it note on the bag that he had wrote ‘These are for Jamiy only’ on. I knew that he wanted me and that made me feel powerful. The only thing holding me back was the fat lump that went by the name of Chris that was sitting in my apartment 24/7.
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This is really good. I like it.
"This band is metal in that we have a lot of metal in our instruments, and there's quite a lot of metal on my belt buckle as well." - Mikey Way




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Mmmm... okay. I'll critique this. I don't know the plot behind your other story, but maybe that's better? ANYWAY.

The day I met Ben my life changed. He picked me up from that mess that Chris had left me in and turned me into this person. This high achieving person and I love him for that. The only thing that annoys me about Ben is his nose hair. It’s not like he leaves it to grow or anything, it’s that he whizzes it out of his nose with this electric thing and leaves the hairs in the sink. Every time he does it I march him back into the bathroom and make him wash it down the plug hole. But he does it every time.


This indicates to us, the reader, that this story is going to be about Ben.This also indicates that Ben is going to do something that is conflicting and forces the narrator to change in some way more. At this point, we don't necessarily care about what Ben's past history is or anything... all we know is that he changed the narrator's life in some amazing way.

With that said, the Chris part doesn't really make sense. This already tells the end of the Chris fiasco... apparently she left him since obviously she's living with Ben. We don't care about Chris from the way you set up the story because you left Chris in the dust from the first paragraph.

Does this make sense? :?

Anyway, it seems to me that the conflict is not about what Ben does to her (since Ben seems to be portrayed as a good guy that hasn't hurt her save for several nose hairs. The conflict seems to be of how she leaves Chris. So you're going to have to write a new introduction that shows what's happening instead of just telling us.

Er... yeah. Sorry. I'm apparently the bearer of bad news? ><;; It's always hard figuring out where the beginnings should begin though because you have to decide what the conflict is, what you're trying to show the reader, and then capture the moment properly. Which really sucks because once you get the beginning, the middle and ends are soooo much easier to write. Gah. Can you tell I'm struggling with a beginning for my own story? ;)

Anyway!

I think the scene should start with Chris, possibly her bossing Chris around and him just generally acting sulky because he KNOWS he's in the wrong since he hurt her foot, but he hates the way she's treating him because he wants to be in control. Or at least that's the way I'm thinking it is?

Then you might want to go to the phone call and her reactions to Ben...

I don't know. I don't think falling in love has to be sudden and quick... sometimes it's gradual. Ben is a stranger to her at first, no? He's not handsome-- she thinks she looks like an idiot. I've had several crushes, and most of these crushes were because they looked hot to me. So she's not attracted to him that way. But we don't know what attracts her! He gives her the news to the job... which is cool and her feelings might be changing. But she's still with Chris and she probably feels like she must continue the relationship with him, no matter what, because she doesn't want to hurt him. Does this make sense?

Meh. Love makes no sense.

Let her fall in love and let us see her fall in love. We will learn who she is and sympathize with her. Everybody falls in love, and for her to feel trapped between Ben and Chris is conflict you shouldn't just skip over.

Hope that helps!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Thanks for the reviews! I guess the development with the characters is really in Ice Cubes snoink so i guess its hard to really get a clear idea of whats going on here. Jamiy actually talks more about Ben in the later stages of Ice Cubes, and i apologise that i wont be posting anymore of that, but thanks for taking your time to read and reviews this!

P.s. Jamiy is a boy!

Meevs
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Ice cubes was awesome. However, this was pretty dry in description. I think you should add much more description into everything here. Also i was confused as to where the story was and when it was, but i really like the plot here. PM when you get info on the publishing deal.
It doesn't think, doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk 'till dawn
is make the soldiers die



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