All We Need Is A Plan- Part 1

20 posts1, 2
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
This is one of the stories from my correspondance. It's pretty rough right now, but just bear with me. ;)
Hera stormed about her chambers, breathing heavily, hair in disarray, seething with the rage of a woman scorned. "Am I not a satisfying wife?" she shrieked, seizing the nearest object. "Do I not make him happy?"

The priceless vase, a gift from Zeus, flew through the air to smah into the wall and shatter into countless pieces. The satisfaction she took from the destruction slowly faded, replaced with a feeling of foreboding. A sob escaped her lips, and she reluctantly turned her red-rimmed eyes to the mirror. She hated the woman that stared back at her: dishevelled, sniffing, with tears ru nning down her face, and the eyes for which she was renowned swollen.It was no wonder he always strayed from her. She turned glumly away, crawling onto her vast bed, alone once again, drawing her knees to her chin and sniffing wretchedly.

Yet another woman was to bear her husband a child. Yet another woman had drawn his cursed desires, despite her own, vastly superior beauty. She sniffed, and hiccupped, letting self-pity take over; it wasn’t as though she had ever done anything wrong. She’d never been anything but loyal to him, and she was so much more desirable than any… mortal… woman.

Mortal. The thought made her clench her fingers into the material beneath her, rage once again replacing self-pity.

“Mortal!” she screamed into the air, throwing her head back. “Mortal! I’ll punish you until the ends of eternity, I swear it! I’ll torment you until you beg for Hades! I’ll- I’ll destroy your beauty- I’ll- I’ll-” She burst into renewed tears. Nothing worked. No matter what she did to them, nothing ever worked. He always found another, and another, and another, even until she could no longer exact sadistic pleasure in their punishments.Why? Did he not see what terrible things she did to them? Did he not care? Did he not-

She stopped, slowly lifting her head. Did he not care? She thought about that, the tears gradually ceasing their flow down her face, and her soft lips parted as she realized- he only cares about the thrill of it. He doesn’t care about those women any more than he cares about his marriage oath of fidelity.

Revenge, though she greatly desired it, was pointless.She lowered her head to her knees, mulling over her thoughts for a long time, eyes blazing sightlessly fit to scorch a hole through the bed below. There was only way to end Zeus’s womanizing ways, and that was to exact her revenge from him… not his erstwhile lovers.

Several days later Zeus roamed the Earth in human guise, keeping away from civilisation. He always had, since Prometheus had given the man fire. They had become lords in their own minds, and Zeus was infuriated the human race's arrogance. Lost in his thoughts, the god was startled by the rustle of footsteps in the undergrowth. Zeus saw the form of a human coming towards him, and turned to leave. But he stopped in his tracks when he saw a scantily clad nymph emerge from the foliage. He took in her beauty; her curvaceous form, her almond skin, her soft lips, and struggled not to grab her there and then. Seeming surprised to be in front of him, she gasped and gazed, trancelike, into the god's eyes.

"Greetings, my Lord," she said in a melodious voice, which quavered slightly. "For what purpose do you grace the land with your presence?"

He smiled warmly at her and said: "I seek some peace and quiet. It has been difficult to find it on Olympus lately." He sighed tiredly."Dionysus has been having another of his "parties"." He rubbed his eyes and looked her up and down, his eyes lingering before they returned to her face. "You wouldn't happen to know a place where I mgiht find that peace and quiet? Perhaps you could accompany me there." He paused. "I'm sorry, but I cannot recall your name...?"

She grinned and licked her lips salaciously, and for a moment Zeus recoiled, seeing something unpleasant lurking beyond the woman's deceptive beauty.. But he was quickly reassured by her dazzling smile. "I didn't give it," she said, and winked. "But since you ask so nicely, it's Kako." She cocked her head slightly, as if mocking him. "But what could I have done to deserve attention from you, the greatest of gods?"

Zeus grinned at her, his pulse racing. "Surely you know? You are the most beautiful woman I have encountered on this planet!" She smiled, and after the briefest of hesitations, in which she eyed him measuringly, beckoned him to follow after her. Zeus followed after her, enjoying the view as she moved gracefully through the foliage. And unbeknownst to him, Kako licked her lips once more and restrained a triumphant laugh.

Months later, once more bored by his wife's icy attitude, Zeus went off in search of Kako. He didn't want to seem over-zealous, so he loitered in the area close where Kako had first appeared to protect his pride. After a time, he became tired of waiting, and started towards the cave. He moved slowly, his pride still straining to keep him away. As he drew closer, he could hear low moans coming from within it. He stopped dead. It couldn't be...
He abandoned all dignity and ran straight through the mouth of the cave.

When he reached her, his tenseness left him. He saw only Kako lying on the bed, her moans growing steadily louder. He knelt by her side, observing the swollen curve of her stomach. He took her hand, and felt it clench with a strength he had never felt from a nymph.

The nymph drew herself up on her elbows, gasping in pain as she did so. Then she saw who it was, and she grinned savagely. "Greetings, oh great Zeus," she rasped. Have you come to see your children? Stay awhile. Maybe you shall."

Zeus frowned at the sound of her voice. "Is something wrong, Kako?"

She took a long time to answer, and Zeus was concerned. What if there is something wrong with the birth? he dismissed the thought. Surely a midwife would be aiding her if that was so.

The nymph chuckled, a sound which made Zeus shudder. 'What is wrong, you ask me? You could say that you, Zeus, placing me, a demoness, over your wife could be a problem!"

Zeus recoiled. "A d - demoness?"

She smiled. "Yes, and by the plotting of your very own wife. Personally, I find that the worst part."

"Hera? What does she have to do with this?"

"Everything, Zeus, everything." Her smile was triumphant. "You see, your wife came to me with tales of your infedelity. She hoped that I might pose as a nymph, and that the resulting children would be so hideous that you would be scared away form other woman, forever. Of course, she didn't quite guess my agenda. Such naivety does warm the heart, does it not?"

A thought came to Zeus, but he covered the grin that was emerging with a grim frown. He chose his words carefully. "Very well. I resign myself, and the humans, to this fate."

Kako opened her mouth in mock surprise. "That easily? No fight from the mighty Zeus? Zeus ignored her remarks, and walked from the cave.

He turned after walking a few metres. "I agree," he boomed, raising a hand towards the sky. "A woman's naivety does indeed warm the heart." A lightning bolt hurtled from his outstretched hand, and through the cave mouth, with a crackle of energy. Kako's dying scream could be heard under it, and it continued to echo within the cave for a long time after..
Zeus smiled; waiting. He knew the furnishings would go up in flames in seconds, and sure enough, it was not long before smoke began to pour from the mouth of the cave.

He shook his head. Foolish woman, he thought, and made to turn away when he saw a shadow silhouetted in the smoke. His smile faded as he saw emerge from the cave, a creature that he knew was his own offspring. Zeus gasped and brought another bolt to hand, and hurled it at the creature. To his relief, it fell to the ground and went still. But after a long silence, it moved, and Zeus’s stomach became a pit of icy dread as it picked itself back up again and shook itself out, unharmed.

"Hera," he growled. She was the cause of all of this.

A momentary concentration took him to Hera's chambers. He saw her asleep on the bed, and a wave of anger raged through him. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her wildly. She awoke with a small scream and shook him off, before crying, "Zeus? What?" He glared at her, grabbed her arm and took her back to the cave.

She broke away from him and backed away. There were now three creatures roaming the area around the cave, and in the cave, Zeus could see the shadow of another beginning to emerge. He turned to her, and said, "Well? Are you happy now? You've unleashed invincible demons upon the world. Even my thunderbolts can't hurt them." To demonstrate his point, he threw one at the nearest creature. It looked over, and a throaty noise came from its throat. Zeus and Hera recognised it as a laugh, and shuddered simultaneously.

Hera moaned, realising what she had done. "But I only meant to teach you a lesson." She looked back to the cave mouth, where the creatures were now emerging faster and faster.

Zeus slapped her, and she made no move to defend herself. "Do you even realise what you've done, you idiot! Look at them!" He pointed at the creatures one at a time, reciting their names by instinct as they came to his mind "Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride."

Hera frowned. "If they're the first seven, then who is that woman in the dress coming out?"

Zeus looked alarmed. "That, Hera, is something I didn't expect to come into play for centuries. That, is Politics."

"It couldn't be as serious as you're saying. These creatures may be annoyances, but nothing more to a great god like you!"

He snarled. "You fool! These creatures are immortal, the spawn of a demoness and a god. They are endowed with mighty forces that could bring civilisation to it's knees, as you are now. With your vicious plot, you have almost certainly doomed humanity to the worst parts of Hades!" He glared at her. "Leave me. I cannot stand to look at your face."

And so she stood, biting her lip until blood flowed, trying to hold back the tears, and failing. Sobs wracking her suddenly frail body, and Zeus looked at her despairingly. He could still see the angry red marks on her cheek where he had hit her, and as she walked away, pain tore at Zeus's heart.

She did not move to avoid the flames, which had spread from the cave and ignited the grass. She could only walk through them, looking back only once, her tear stained face immuminated by the flames.

When she was gone, Zeus bowed his head, and departed to Olympus, with one last glance at the sins below.
Last edited by Insomnia on Sat Dec 08, 2007 10:36 am, edited 10 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 566
hello I'm here to review yay!


Do I not make him happy?"

You forgot the speech marks at the beginning here.

Because no matter what I do to them, she thought, he still finds more

Here maybe put her thoughts into italics to make it clearer to the reader that they are her thoughts.


"But since you ask so nicely, it's Kako.

Here agin you left out the speech marks.


cave. As he grew closer, he could hear low moans from within the cave. He stopped dead and his eyes widened as an image of Kako with another man struck his mind. He snarled, and rushed for the cave.

Here 'cave' is used too much, it sounds too repeated.

She propped herself up on her a shoulder

That dosen't make sense :S

and he seen it hit

Seen should be saw

Zeus smiled warily and made to turn away when he saw a shadow silhouetted in the smoke. The smile faded as he watched a creature emerge from the cave and knew that it was his own offspring. Zeus gasped for a moment

Could you maybe describe the creature?


I really like this, you could use a bit more descriptions of the characters here and there, but otehr than that it's a good start!

Keep it up!

Meevs
x
Bag.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Oky doky. First off, and the biggest problem I can see, is that you Tell far more then you Show.

Hera paced her bedroom, feeling enraged and defeated


Dont tell us this, show us. Show us the trail of tears, the red, puffy eyes, bedraggled hair and etc etc that seems to come with those emotions.

(A mortal, she thought furiously)


Why the paranthesis? Unneccesary. Remove it.

It infuriated her in ways she couldn't understand


She couldnt understand why it infuriated her? Eh? How can something infuriate you without cause? It cant, and thus, the reason is always known, no? Perhaps you could clear that up.

[s]the[/s] chill of foreboding sweeping her


a chill of foreboding sweeping through her

She had punished them, tormented them, and yet Zeus still strayed from her. She wanted to (I Have to, she thought.) get revenge


Why tell us this? Show us a memory of her tormenting someone!! This is where the entertainment is, and we, the readers are sadly missing out. Again, get read of the paranthesis.

She wanted--no, she had to get revenge, she thought.

Although you could probably do without the 'she thought' as well.

Lately, she didn't seem to be able to maintain the pleasure she had previously held in tormenting Zeus's lovers


Cue the flashback showing us the moment this happened! Show us how she lost her sadistic pleasure. You need to keep up a balance of show/tell. Stop telling.

Suddenly, her mouth dropped in stunning realisation: He doesn't care about them! He does it for the thrill!


This seems way too sudden and way too soon, considering just moments ago she was shrieking in rage and throwing furniture around.

I have a problem with her introspection regarding her loss of pleasure toruting people as well. Why should it matter to her if the torture was useless, even if the people had no choice in sleeping with Zues? She's a Goddess and they, nothing but pawns. That aspect of her character, and indeed Zues' seem lacking.

Several days later, [s]while [/s]Zeus (in human guise) roamed peacefully around Earth, keeping to the secluded areas


*stabs paranthesis* Get rid of it!! Its a necessary description you've hidden in there, it belongs with its brethren words!!

They had become lords in their own minds, and Zeus couldn't stand the human race's snobbishness


I am struggling mightily to understand how a God, the King of the most vain glory pantheon in history no less, could every regard humans as 'snobby'. Wheres the contempt?! Maybe your trying something different... but I dont think its working if you are lol.

Zeus became lost in his thoughts, and [s]this is why he[/s] was startled



No need for explanations!! Add 'so' after 'and.

[s]beautifully[/s] melodious


melodious says it all.


licked her lips ferociously,


How does one lick thier lips ferociously, Lol, that is, without hurting themselves? Hehe, perhaps 'seductively' would be better here.

so he wandered the


repetition of 'wandered', a bit too close to its use a sentence before. 'searched' would be more apt, I think.


He wondered if he was newly furnished


'it' instead of 'he'

She propped herself up on [s]her [/s]a shoulder


Who elses shoulder would it be, lol?

Zeus recoiled backwards. "A d - demoness?"

She laughed when she heard the fear in his voice


Why in the world would the King, the KING, of the Gods, be scared of a demoness? Eh? You make him sound weak.

She asked me pose as a nymph


insert 'to' between 'me' and 'pose'.

and he seen it hit Kako


he saw it

Finally! Some action worthy of the King of Gods! And nicely done as well, both the demoness scorn and Zeus' reply.

Zeus smiled [s]warily [/s]



This may be a mythology thing, but how did his babies get born so quickly? This could be cleared up with a description of her pregnant belly, which was omitted for some reason.

Ok, so I think you need to get a better hold on the personality of the Gods and whats more, add in some description of them as well. Toward it the edn it was starting to flow nicely, and overall, I liked the story line but felt it moved a little too quickly. Far too much happens far too soon, but thats just a personal pickle. You could draw it out by showing us some of those seens I mentioned earlier. Anywho, hope this helps.

Cheers.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
Thanks for the crit. :) Just one thing to say: With the creatures, I thought I'd leave it up to the reader to imagine them. I think that they mean different things to different people, and some may imagine them as something else. I gave it to a group of friends offline and I asked them what they thought they looked like. It was actually really interesting. :o




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 8
Hey, I really liked your story!

I've always loved Greek mythology, and the way you invented the seven deadly sins is incredibly creative!! I loved it!! And I have to admit that I've learned through writing classes that it is extremely hard to take on the persona of the opposite sex. So, the lack of description and showing during Hera's introspection are exusable. It is difficult for a man to see from a woman's point of view, especially when she's emotionally unstable. OK, now on with the actual critique.

I'm a stickler for proper English, a "grammar freak," if you will, so I'm probably going to focus most on your grammar and spelling, lol.


Several days later, while Zeus (in human guise) roamed peacefully around Earth, keeping to the secluded areas.


This is not a complete sentence. What did Zeus do while he roamed the area? I think, if you took out "while" it would be better.

He wondered if he was newly furnished, with a fur rug covering the floor, but shook his head.


Did you mean "He wondered if it was newly furnished. . ." ? Hmm. . .

She propped herself up on her a shoulder. . .


Take out "a".

. . . she grinned a savage grin.


I think "savagely" would work better here instead of "a savage grin." You seem to like adverbs a whole lot (i.e. tiredly, warily, despairingly, etc. . .), and an adverb definitely would work better here.

Zeus recoiled backwards.


This is sort of redundant. Generally, when a person recoils, it is in the backward direction.

Hera's moaned, realising what she had done.


Hera should not be in possessive form here. Take away the 's.

Overall, I think this is a good story. It could be longer, though, and loaded with a lot more description than it has now. I think with some editing, it could be really awesome!
"It is history that teaches us hope." - Robert E. Lee




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
Thanks to both of you for the crit. I've tried to fix up most of the stuff you asked me to, Jig. I'll just have to look up a couple of things before I change them.

And Belle, it used to say savagely but I took it out because in reality, I don't like adverbs. I've taken a few out but they've made it seem a bit awkward in places. I seem to need them a lot more in my shorter stories, especially with Greek mythology. The gods in the myths seem to do things sometimes for unexpected reasons, so adverbs seem to be the easiest way to help the readers through. Seems like I'll have to trim down on them lol.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14170
Reviews 571
Hello,

Found it, lol. :) I see you've got some very good crits, so I don’t know if I'll write anything constructive here. I'll probably just repeat what everyone said, hehe. Bear with me.


Quote:
She hicupped every few seconds, and sniffed afterwards, trying to slow her tears.

Hicupped=Hiccupped? And can you slow your tears?


Quote:
It shattered into many pieces.

You can do better than that! You have something after it, but this sentence is still kind of bothering me. Ah well, that’s just me. Ignore this one, lol.

Quote:
Several days later, Zeus, in human guise roamed peacefully around Earth, keeping to the secluded areas.

Comma after 'guise'

Quote:
Zeus became lost in his thoughts, and so was startled when he heard the rustle of footsteps in the undergrowth.

He’s a god. King of them, I fact. And he was startled?

Quote:
"Dionysus has been having another of his "parties."

Speech mark thing here.

Quote:
You've unleashed invincible demons upon the world. Even my thunderbolts can't hurt them."

Ouchie.


-> The biggest drawback of the text is its fast, much too fast, pace. I suggest it being slowed down a bit.

-> Also, you tend to squeeze a lot into one paragraph. That can add up to the fat paste, but pressing a bit more of ’enter’ won’t hurt.

-> Back to the first paragraph (yes, I know, my crit is a bit of a chaos). The one about Hera. That is an example of a chunk of a paragraph. don’t get me wrong - it was good, but you had so much inside. I suggest you split it up a bit. And to Hera’s distress (!). Make her emphasize it a bit more, her anger, her hurt.

-> Don’t shoot me or anything, but adding more description wouldn’t hurt. Ah, I joined the angels’ chorus. Woot.

-> Hera and the big argument at the end. I think she should stick up for herself a bit more.

-> Their characters. The god’s ones. As I said, putting a bit more anger into Hera wouldn’t be bad, though she is good. Zeus - Zeus didn’t really come out as King. I somehow got the impression of someone weak, but that may just be me.

-Elein

P.S. Sorry for the chaos




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
Oh, and by the way lol, Zeus is supposed to look weak. I was trying to show that he's human too, and so I had to make him be more flawed than most people. :p




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 794
Reviews 280
Go politics! :lol:
I like it. Not what you see every day. lol
hehe I'm bad at reviewing....
But anyway... It's good. Very original. Not surprising, coming from you....
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
I'll just have to hope that original comment is a compliment coming from you lol. ;) But thanks. :)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
Okay, you know how this is from my correspondance? Well, my tutor wants me to go through and maul it because he wants it published.

So, I need help with a few things. A lot of it may be in the second part, but one of the main parts is why Politics is actually a sin. I know why I put it there, but I need to work out why other people think she is.

Thanks,

-Mat :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 101
rofl first of all, I was definitely laughing insanely at the "politics" part. That was great.
But I have one question: you say he wants you to maul it and you need help. ...Is that an invitation for me to take a reeeeal long time looking it over and give you an almost annoyingly thorough review? Because I live for that....
And if you want me to, I'll do so. This piece caught my interest, so it would definitely be fun for me to do so, and I can promise you I won't destroy your original meaning when I do so- and the good news is, you don't have to even take all of what I give you!
;)
pm me if you want; the others have covered a lot for you already, but I'd like to know what you're looking for in review before I add to or even disagree with any of what has already been said.
Anyways, I'll probably come back on and give you a review later, but right now I'm on my dad's office computer and I'm heartily sick of his stiff keyboard and his bloody mac... dell ftw!
Maybe I'll steal his internet cord and plug it into my laptop. heheh anyway, like I said, pm me if you want, and I'll come back to this.
bei'theh!

~sworddance
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
For sure Sword (Don't blame me, I don't know what else to call you lol). I think we all know that this story needs a bit of work! I could probably do the editing pretty easily, but it's the actual story that I have issues with lol.

I haven't combed through part 2 yet. I was saving that for tonight. So if you go through there you might need to brutalise it lol!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 101
Ok, so.... my comments. I'll try to make this short and sweet, so forgive me if I seem terse or anything. You already know I love this thing ;)
Forgive me for not having figured out the quote system yet, and for being to lazy to figure it out and implement it.

So.

I think you need a real short intro to the scene before the Greek gods get dumped on us. Just something short.


"Hera paced her bedroom, breathing heavily. Her hair was in disarray, and tears were running freely down her face. She hiccupped every few seconds, and sniffed afterwards, trying to slow her tears."

-->"paced" too passive for a woman in a rage. "stormed about"?
-->"bedroom" too mundane, not godly enough, contradictory of who she is even if you want them to seem human. "Chambers."
-->"trying to slow her tears." Speaking as a woman myself, women don’t generally tend to try to slow their tears if they’re still in the middle of a rage, which she is, unless you have her go into a relapse for some reason.
--> Show is better than tell, but this is a little awkward. Good that it’s here, but needs revisiting.


"But it was hopeless. Her husband had once again let a lesser woman bear him a child."
-->I think you should put off telling us this; leave us for a while to wonder why Hera is so angry, thus drawing us in.


"In a moment of passion"-->We can see the passion; don’t tell us.


"Suddenly, her mouth dropped in stunning realization: He doesn’t care about them! He does it for the thrill! After hours of thinking, she could only reach one conclusion: If she wanted to stop Zeus’s womanizing ways, she had to exact her revenge upon him, not his lovers!"

-->Expand. Show us how she reached that conclusion.


"Several days later"
"Several months later"

--> see the similarity? no good.


"roamed peacefully around Earth, keeping to the secluded areas."

--> hmm. Too vague, and doesn't tell us much.


"...Prometheus had given the man fire. They had become..."

-->Semicolon time. "…man fire; they…" Or better yet, collapse those two sentences into one. "ever since Prometheus had…"


"...and Zeus couldn’t stand the..." -->Zeus is a huge, manly god. ‘couldn’t stand’ is to weak. “felt he might strike them down all where they stood if faced with the arrogance of their pathetic race.” ...or something.


"...the god was by the rustle of..."--> ??...'startled by'?


"He tensed, and turned to leave..."-->Tell/show us why. Shove it in our face, if you feel you must.


"...when he saw a scantily clad nymph emerge from the foliage." -->Emphasize why he stopped, and why he would be attracted to her.


"trance-like way"--> bleh... just 'trancelike' will do; it is an acceptable word, despite what your spellcheck might try to tell you.


"...somewhere the two of us could go..." -->Whoa, rather a jump-in to a proposition, there. More subtlety, please; he’s sounds like he’s trying to be more suave than that.


"licked her lips salaciously"--> Beautiful. Love this.


"...inside the woman..." -->A little too weak. Spice it up.


"she said and winked"--> said, and winked. need comma.


"She frowned slightly." -->Seems out of place. First she is salacious and winking, then she is puzzled by his attentions. You want a more coy act, I think, to keep in character.


"And unknown to him..." --> "unbeknownst"


"He didn’t want to seem over-zealous, so..." --> A bit more showing here, please.


"After a time, he became tired of waiting, and started towards the cave. As he drew closer, he could hear low moans coming from within it. He stopped dead and his eyes widened as an image of Kako with another man struck his mind. He snarled, and rushed inside."

-->Expand, expand, expand… *whistles little tune that goes with the others’*


"Kako? What is wrong?" --> Hmm. I think Zeus has seen more than enough pregnancies and childbirths to know one when he sees one. Maybe have him ask a different question.


"...and Zeus looked around the cave. He wondered if it was newly furnished, with a fur rug covering the floor, but shook his head. I just didn’t take much notice of the surroundings last time, he thought."

--> Is this relevant?


"grimacing" -->She was moaning a second ago; you need a more “active” verb.


“That’s right, and even now I am preparing to give birth to your godly demons! You see, your wife came to me, and told me of your insatiable taste for women. She asked me to pose as a nymph, hoping that when you saw the hideous offspring you would be horrified, and stay with her only, forever.” The woman laughed once more. “Of course, she didn’t quite realize the magnitude of the situation. Such naivety does warm the heart!”

-->This needs expansion. It would be a terrible thing for Zeus to discover, but you only provide that horror once, at the first revelation, but not the second.


"A thought came to Zeus, but he covered the grin that was emerging with a grim frown. He chose his words carefully. “Very well. I resign myself, and the humans, to this fate.” She opened her mouth, but words failed her. Zeus left the cave before she found them, struggling to restrain a laugh."

-->A little awkward. This is actual hilarity from Zeus, who is contemplating murder? Should be at least grim humor.


"...does indeed warm the heart, and hethrew..."

-->heart." period, quotation marks.
-->he threw. Space between.


"Zeus smiled and made to turn away when he saw a shadow silhouetted in the smoke. His smile faded as he saw emerge from the cave, a creature that he knew was his own offspring. Zeus gasped and brought another bolt to hand. He hurled it at the beast and it stumbled, before falling to the ground. He breathed a sigh of relief, but his stomach became a pit of icy dread when he saw it shake its head and rise to its feet."

-->Expand! You need to show us why this is important, otherwise your characters end up doing a whole lot of unnecessary gasping and sighing and changing of minds…


"He turned and started to move away, one thought repeating itself over and over in his mind: Hera. He had to find her and punish her for what she had done. He focused, and appeared in Hera’s bedroom. He saw her asleep on the bed, and..."

-->Whoa, too sudden. Must pace this out for us so we feel the transition.


"Hera frowned. “If they’re the first seven..." -->Better designate that the number seven is relevant before she says something like that.


"Zeus looked alarmed. “That, Hera, is something I didn’t expect to come into play for centuries. That, is Politics.”"

--> hehehehe....


"...civilization to it’s..." --> its


"And so she stood, biting her lip until blood flowed, trying to hold back the tears, and failing. Sobs wracking her suddenly frail body, and Zeus looked at her despairingly. He could still see the angry red marks on her cheek where he had hit her, and as she walked away, pain tore at Zeus’s heart. Hera did not move to avoid the flames that had spread from the cave and now were burning the grass; she simply walked through them. She only looked back once, and when she was gone Zeus departed, back to Olympus."

-->nice imagery, but I think you can expand that to have even more meaning.



Ok, so, that's all I can give you here, I think. When I say 'expand, expand, expand,' don't be afraid to do so, even if you feel like you're using too many words. Sometimes it's all a pacing thing, and sometimes it just brings the impact home.

Anyway, this is inventive and dryly humorous, two very good qualities, in my opinion. A very original take, and a good one. :D

I'll take a look at part two tomorrow, because I'm too bloody tired right now.

O.O
I just realized it's four am here... I didn't even notice... aheh....

Ok, so... tomorrow. Right.
bei'theh!

~sworddance
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
Wow! o.o Thanks for the crit sword. :D I really appreciate it. And thanks for the compliments too. I was wondering if the humour was too subtle.

I agree with everything you've said, apart form one thing, I think.

"...and Zeus looked around the cave. He wondered if it was newly furnished, with a fur rug covering the floor, but shook his head. I just didn’t take much notice of the surroundings last time, he thought."

That was only relevant because I realised that without something to spread, the fire couldn't really do much. Not that obvious. xD I'll try to fix that up. :)

And you know what the worst part of that is? My tutor asked me to make most of the parts you wanted expanded shorter, and I did. I had a lot of ireelevant stuff lol.



It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
— Albus Dumbledore