There was darkness, absolute and empty. Rajiv couldn't make anything out, he just lay there, confused. Was this all there was to the afterlife? Nothingness?
"You know, Jimmy old boy, it appears as if we were both wrong," a voice suddenly said.
Rajiv screamed, the voice was right at his ear. "What the hell's the matter with you!"
His voice was indignant, but in truth, he was actually glad that he wasn't alone in the dark.
"Very little to do with hell, actually," the voice chirped.
Rajiv sighed, breathing deep. Trying to regain his composure. "What do you mean we were both wrong?"
"Well, I don't see any pearly gates, so there goes your theory. And we're both conscious, so there goes mine. Neither of us wins."
As he spoke, the darkness thinned, and Rajiv found he could see. Sitting on the floor next to him, was Charles, a bemused expression on his face. He waved. Rajiv stood. There was a floor beneath them but no walls he could see, just a never ending plain. He bit his lip. "This can't be it, there must be more," he announced suddenly.
"Right you are, old boy! Let's go on an adventure!" Charles stood, brushing himself off.
Not seeing any telling sign indicating the right path to choose, they began to walk forward. For what seemed like ages, they kept on moving, neither feeling hunger or thirst, neither making any sound except for Charles, who went on and on and on and on and on till he literally couldn't anymore. Rajiv's head was pounding by the end. He was about to unleash a verbal tirade, when he saw something. Something so exciting, he forgot everything else: a desk.
It was still a while away, so he contented himself to wait, even smiling at his companion. As they got closer, he could see it was occupied. Another person! He wouldn't have to deal with this old fool anymore! It was all he could do not to crow with glee. He didn't need to check to see that Charles was just as excited as he at this development. His happiness withered as he saw the nature of the person behind the desk. Long brown hair, a serene expression on his face, he calmly watched them approach: a hippy.
They stopped in front of the desk neither saying anything.
"Aloha, dudes, and welcome. My name is Fabio," said the hippy.
"I take back what I said earlier, Jimmy, there is a hell after all," Charles said flatly.
Rajiv was more interested in what the man was saying. "Welcome to what?" he said.
The hippy looked at him blankly. "Ah, welcome to...this," he said, waving a hand around him.
Charles was chewing his lip, trying to keep from chewing his lip. "You're not God are you?" he asked.
The man looked nothing short of horrified. "Dude, no way!"
Their sighs of relief were quite audible. "So where is he?" Rajiv asked, stealing a smug glance at his friend.
"Beats me man, he left ages ago."
They stared at him blankly. "What do you mean he left?" Rajiv asked.
"You know, he got bored, couldn't be bothered sticking around, so he hit the road."
"You mean to say that this, this is heaven?" Charles asked, eyes bugging out.
"Ah, no. That's it over there," Fabio said, pointing behind him, at a decrepit warehouse. The two men walked over to it, jaws dropping. It was abandoned, and a crudely made sign was nailed on the side. It read: Heaven.
"You've got to be kidding," Rajiv squawked.
"Well that does it," Charles said, looking at Fabio, who had followed them. "Show me the way to Hell; it has to be better furnished." He sniffed.
"Somehow," Fabio muttered as he led them away from Heaven, "I don't think your going to like it."
"Okay, so let me get this straight: God left, Heaven is an abandoned warehouse, and we are now going to Hell, led by...wait, who are you?" Rajiv said.
"I'm death, dude."
Somehow, neither of them were surprised. "And just so you know, things weren't always like this. Heaven used to be a jazzy place man, while we waited for all you guys to show up, we just partied... it was wild," Fabio shrugged, "then God got bored, he left and...things haven't been the same since. Lucifer hasn't been the same since."
They were approaching a door now. No hellish lights burned at the edges, no fire or brimstone. Plastered on the door were various signs: 'No entry,' 'danger', 'Piss off,' and finally, 'Hell'.
"Ready?" Fabio asked.
Rajiv looked to Charles, both afraid of what they would find behind the door. Turning back to him, the both nodded. Fabio opened the door. Immediately punk rock music blasted out.
"Lucifer, hey, LUCIFER," Fabio yelled. The music died down a little and he continued. "You've got some visitors dude."
A voice replied, "Whatever."
They entered. It was a small bedroom. The walls were covered with posters of rock bands, music artists and the like. On a single bed, a teenager with deep black hair, brushed over one eye, glared at them. There was an Xbox in the corner, game paused.
"Well," the devil said. "What do you want?" His voice was sulky, lips pouty.
"Uh, hi," Rajiv said, feeling awkward. He looked away.
Lucifer's eyes narrowed. "You hate me, don't you!" he yelled suddenly. He lumped on the bed, burying his head in the pillow.
"No, no, no," Charles hastened to reply. "Its just...you're not exactly what we expected, is all."
"Your face isnt what I expected!" the devil retorted.
"Why do people keep saying that?!"
Rajiv felt very tired, all of a sudden. He turned to his friend. "Let's go, this isn't what I wanted to see."
This, evidently, was the wrong thing to say. Lucifer wailed loudly into his pillow, limbs thrashing. Fabio hurriedly ushered them out of the room, closing the door behind him.
"When he gets like that, there's just no talking to him," he sighed. "Well, dudes, that's the end of the tour. Hope you enjoyed." He began to walk away.
"But wait," Rajiv called. "Where do we go now? What do we do?"
"Dunno," Fabio said without looking back. "Usually, people just wander away. Do their own thing."
Rajiv stared after him, long after the figure vanished. He turned suddenly to his British companion. "You owe me a hundred bucks," he said.
Charles merely snorted. "What do you want to do now?" he asked.
The portly man's eyes narrowed. "I want to find God."
