Stray

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Stray

First time she saw him, she knew she would love him. And that terrified her. Not only because love was a fickle, useless emotion but because she knew she would love him and she knew it would be the end of her.

Love would be her demise and there was no way of stopping it.

Rhys Bailey was her name. And she was a Hunter, a mercenary sent by God to destroy evil.

She remembered him. Strange how she would. But her memory was one that could reach back and touch the Elizabethan era. Anything beyond there though, she had destroyed all memory of.

His face was entirely too familiar. She knew she had seen him before. Her memory was keen and for the most part it was flawless. But his kind had a way of perpetrating the mind. He could have easily slipped past her, disregarded, even if they had known each other particularly well. Unless they were to touch skin-to-skin she would never know who he really was.

She was sent to London last fall by the Order. They had one specific request. Find Matisyn Krüshtoff. Kill him. At the time the command meant nothing to her. Her purpose for living was to vanquish evil and the Order worked as her medium for finding evil. But even before she entered London that November, she had a feeling that something was wrong. She could feel an aura even before the ship reached land. A strong, but quiet aura.

In a typical scenario, she would be forced to find the aura herself, for evil would rarely wish to be recognized by Hunters. But this one was clearly intentional. This one had been sent to her full of purpose. He knew she was coming for him. And he would be waiting.

But where? And why? Did this creature have a death wish in which she was to grant? The act only offended her. Oh yes darling, I’ll take you down. I’ll take you down slow.

Her experience had taught her that evil did have a conscience. But it was not strong enough to be set as a reason of sparing life. Evil was clear. It was never faint. It could be disguised for a time but never for long.

Rhys spent most of her journey, while traveling across the sea to Europe, reading ancient documents and scrolls the Order had supplied her with. The only information she would be offered to defeat Matisyn. These time-stained papers were records of Matisyn’s appearances.

It was evident; Matisyn Krüshtoff was a vampire. A clever one at that. In the current age, vampires were scarce, unable to survive since civilization had industrialized. Most had either went into hiding and eventually died from lack of feed or had been hunted down and killed by the Order’s mercenaries. For Matisyn to be alive even now, he must have been serving a greater entity. Then why would he not run? No one could out last the Order. No one.

The ship steadily coasted the shoreline until it met the harbor. Rhys wasted no time and prepared to disembark. The aura was silent now. Only fragments remained, the only indication that he was still within London. It was little to go on but it was all she had.

If the sailors were surprised by how the young hunter faired on the course of their journey, they did not say. Nor did they comment on her curious behavior; she did not sleep and she ate very little. Obviously the crew was uneasy of her since they so carefully avoided her when they could.

In turn, she avoided them. She did not wish to be distracted from her primary purpose and she had a general distrust for mortals. So it was not difficult to keep her distance, especially if they did so in turn.




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Nice. Very fascinating scenario, this piece definitely has potential. I might suggest changing the order and viewpoint of the story, it has a lot of: "she did this, she was that" etc. A little more showing and a little less telling.

Develop Rhys a little more. Make some emotions, add some description. I definitely want to see where this goes......




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Hello there! Don't think I've seen you around YWS before! I'm Razorblade.

Anyway, this is a fairly good piece! You are clearly a talented writer. However, your fatal flaw is that you do a lot more telling than showing; there's little in the way of description. And maybe this is just a beginning, in which case it's (for the most part) forgivable, but later on it won't be, and someone'll be sure to let you know when that happens. ;)

But really! Continue on, I see loads of talent here. Loads of good things to come. ;)

Not much in the way of errors, other than this teensy grammatical one:
Unless they were to touch skin-to-skin she would never know who he really was.

I feel like there should be a comma after "skin-to-skin."

Good work! Keep it up. ;)

Best wishes,
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:
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I really enjoyed this and it really kept me reading. The plot is (so far anyway) very intriguing and original.

One negative thing is that you seem to skip from topic to topic in a kind of choppy way. This can be fixed by just some serious editing: cutting and pasting paragraphs to other bits of the piece. Also, I noticed a few little grammar mistakes:

First time she saw him, she knew she would love him.

I just think there should be a "the" in the beginning...

Love would be her demise and there was no way of stopping it.

Rhys Bailey was her name. And she was a Hunter, a mercenary sent by God to destroy evil.

She remembered him. Strange how she would. But her memory was one that could reach back and touch the Elizabethan era. Anything beyond there though, she had destroyed all memory of.

Here's one of those places it gets choppy. Try putting the "Rhys Bailey was her name..." paragraph in the very beginning of the piece, maybe?

Her memory was keen and for the most part it was flawless.

Take out the "it was"

They had one specific request. Find Matisyn Krüshtoff. Kill him. At the time the command meant nothing to her.

The short sentences don't really work here. Try making it "They had one specific request: Find Matisyn Krüshtoff and kill him."
Also, about the last sentence: put in a comma after "At the time"

Did this creature have a death wish in which she was to grant?

I think you should delete the "in"

The ship steadily coasted the shoreline until it met the harbor. Rhys wasted no time and prepared to disembark. The aura was silent now. Only fragments remained, the only indication that he was still within London. It was little to go on but it was all she had.

I think this would make a lovely last paragraph. Put the other two (about the sailors being cautious around Rhys) before this one rather than after.
-----

There, that's my crit. And just because it's so long, remember, doesn't in any way mean that I didn't like the piece. I LOVED IT! :D

Over all the cons are minimal and the pros overpowering, so very good job! I really look forward to reading more of this!!!

PM me if I was unclear about anything and/or you have any questions!
~Azila




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hello there :)

I thin kthat most of the mistakes I found have been pointed out here already (one less job for me to do) :)

Anyway, I really liked this, a very nice interesing start. I thin kyou have developed the characters well already, I hope that you continue it with the same success!

All the best,
Meevs
Bag.

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