Long Gone

I haven't written a poem that rhymes in a long time... I usually hate it, but I wanted to practice a bit


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I don’t know why.
Love has to die
Why is it so,
You have to go?
Come back, please.
What is this disease?
That killed this.
Why is it you I miss?

I hate not knowing,
What you aren’t showing.
Where or when, or why or how?
Why wasn’t it you I saw?
Nothing can be done.
Love is all gone,
So you said to me.
Oh please don’t let this be.

Can this be changed,
Can our future be rearranged?
I would do everything!
To not throw away this ring.

When it all began in April.
I was sure love could never kill.
And here I sit, so dead inside,
With tears I have to hide.
A feeling of loneliness
I have to forget.
But how is it possible,
I’m reminded by people.
Of just how great
Love is, why did we wait.

In this dark night.
You would tell me to fight!
If you where here,
My dear.
But you are long gone
And I’m not allowed to mourn
I have to say goodbye.
But why did you have to die?
I’ll never forget you,
No matter what I do!

Some of the rhymes in this didn't really rhyme at all...also, the rhythm was a wee bit off in some places. But you could definitely feel the sadness throughout this, which was really cool. All in all, though, this was a pretty good poem! Oh, also I felt that you could have done more with this if it hadn't been a rhyming poem, but again that's just me...anyways, good job!

MJs_Magic_Pen wrote:Where or when, or why or how?
Why wasn’t it you I saw?

You've got a problem with the rhyme here. Try replacing replacing saw with how.

A feeling of loneliness
I have to forget.
But how is it possible,
I’m reminded by people.

Something happened to the contiuing rhyme scheme in these four lines as none of the last words of these lines rhyme with any of the others.

But you are long gone
And I’m not allowed to mourn

I'm not sure how to fix these lines, but you've once again got a problem with the rhyme as gone and mourn don't rhyme.

All in all though the poem is fairly good, it just has a couple kinks that need working out.

~®®§

I agree that you have to fix the rhymes and a more regular rhythm wouldn't hurt. Rhyme always seems a little out of place without rhythm. Also, some more imagery would be nice and I'd quite like to see less questions. They don't really fit a poetic format. Other than that though it was nice, if not very original, and has some potential. Keep working and I'd love to see a re-write if you do one.

Whee! You have a poem very much like a poetry master's poem! This poetry master is known as Edgar Allen Poe and his poem that is somewhat like yours is Annabel Lee. Which is a kind of cool, if you think about it.

The main difference is that, while your poem centered on the feelings of the narrator, his poem told a story about them, using the sea as a further metaphor.

Instead of dwelling solely on the narrator, try to extend the metaphor to something the two of them had in common. That way, it'll seem more tragic.

Hope that helps!

There's a reason you hate rhyming poetry. There are a lot of forced rhymes in here, and it just doesn't work. Drop it.

As for the subject itself... Just another loss poem. You say the same thing over and over in almost every line, and your punctuation gets in the way.

Scrap it. Find the core of the emotion and start with that. Explain it to us in a way that makes us look at it from a new perspective. Make us feel it in a way we've never felt it before. If you scrap the rhyming, you'll have a better chance of focusing on the main point instead of your format.

Good luck.

I could see unfortunately the whole poem within the first four lines -- there were the force rhymes, the cliches, the whole meaning you were trying to convey -- done, finished. There was no need to it after that, and those first four lines don't stand up much on their own.

I don’t know why.
Love has to die
Why is it so,
You have to go?

Basically you've said, in the most simple way ever, love has died and [someone] or love has gone. Thousands upon thousands of would-be poets and published poets and dead poets and alive poets and bad poets and good poets have said the same thing, and usually better. This isn't original, this isn't new. There is nothing for me to savour here, there is nothing to make me pause and say, "Wow." I'm not expecting you to do that, because not many poems do, but I want you to be pushing toward that, reaching for it.

These sort of lines will get you nowhere. Explicitly telling the reader how you are feeling gets you nowhere. In the same way telling in fiction will make readers annoyed. Showing is the way forward -- show us the death of love, how has it affected the narrator? There are many ways lost has been shown, and you, personally, can always show us a new one -- you are the only *you* after all; unfortunately, this poem has nothing of you seeping into it. If you want to advance in poetry you need to find your voice, and to do that you need to write your own words, not the same words you've heard over and over again.

Start again with the same thought. Crysi has a good point in stopping chaining yourself down in a scheme. You can always format a poem later, or change the format. Freewrite. Get those idiosyncracies down, those little bits of you, those things you've lost, whatever.