My Poem

Not sure where it goes, so it goes in here. Well, hope you like it.


Lying there, in the grass,
I think about life.
What is it
That makes it so…
Attractive?
Everybody clings to life,
Not wanting to leave.
But why not?
Everybody dies.
It’s not that people
WANT
To die,
I think,
But there’s nothing
You can do about it.
Give up.
Every time somebody
We know dies,
It helps remind us
Of our own mortality.
Death is but
Another obstacle
In this WONDERFUL
Game
Called life.
It is the end.
Everybody loses.
It can’t be helped.
Until then, of course,
It’s fun and interesting.
Living each day,
Watching the sunrise,
The flowers bloom,
Making friends,
Watching them die,
And forever wondering,
When will I die?
Maybe today.

I like it. The poem flows very well.

Some suggestions - combining a few of the sentences will not disrupt the flow of the poem, such as "Game" and "called life" could be joined on one line. Another example is "WANT" (which I think you should drop into lower case) and "to die".

The first line doesn't fit with the poem as well. If you want it to fit better, split it into two lines.

I don't like the word choice of "Attractive" on line 5. I think a better word could be put there. Like...err...dunno...stupid mind block. Was never good at poems y'see. But I'm sure you can think of another one. Something that describes the clinging on feeling of life.

Also I don't like the line "Give up". Sounds slightly....err I dunno, offensive? I'm not being very eloquent today, I'm sure you can tell.

But overall, I really liked it! Well done.

Yep, the flow is good. The first line ought to be split in two as Firestarter said, as well as those other adustments. But overall, it's really good. Well Done!

Interesting...I cant personally say I liked it but that is only my opinion based on emotion not reason hehe. Its actually quite a good poem.

Lying there, in the grass,
I think about life.
What is it
That makes it so…
Attractive?

"Attractive"...I actually quite like the use of that word there. It fits. I dont think anything else would fit. Your beginning could perhaps use a bit of spit and polish though; instead of "lying there" it might make more sense if you started "Lying in the grass/thinking about life...", so that you dont leave the reader wondering 'lying where?'

Everybody clings to life,
Not wanting to leave.
But why not?
Everybody dies.

That bit is fine. It has a good flow and moves steadily towards the core of the piece. I like it.

It’s not that people
WANT
To die,
I think,
But there’s nothing
You can do about it.
Give up.

I'm not sure exactly why you put "its not that people/WANT/to die", as you just said people cling to life and it doesnt really seem to follow, to my way of thinking. It might be better as "Its not that I want/to die". And "Give up" does read as a trifle abrupt. Perhaps you could change it to "Let it go". I like the concept behind this bit though.

Every time somebody
We know dies,
It helps remind us
Of our own mortality.

Again, this bit is fine. It has a nice rhythm. I would probably adjust the first two lines a bit if I were you, though..."Every time/Someone we know dies" might read a bit more smoothly. I'm not sure though.

Death is but
Another obstacle
In this WONDERFUL
Game
Called life.
It is the end.

That's kind of a non sequitur. How can it be just another obstacle if it is the end? I know poems dont have to be logical exactly but this bit confused me LOL. Although I am really tired right now so dont take my word for it. And "wonderful" and "game" should be on the same line, I reckon.

Everybody loses.
It can’t be helped.
Until then, of course,
It’s fun and interesting.
Living each day,
Watching the sunrise,
The flowers bloom,
Making friends,
Watching them die,
And forever wondering,
When will I die?
Maybe today.

Watching friends die is fun? LOL I know thats not what you meant, but it reads that way. Perhaps you need to adjust your punctuation? "Living each day./Watching the sun rise,/the flowers bloom,/making friends -/and watching them die/forever wondering" might read better. I would also change "when will I die" to "when my turn will come" or something, to avoid close repetition of die, which doesnt sound right somehow.
Sorry to dump such a load of critique on you! Its a great poem and I love the whimsical sort of flow. Just the sort of rhythm that is perfect for lying in a field and watching the clouds drift across the sky. It just needs a little bit of tweaking here and there.

I liked this a lot. It didn't try to be overly-meanigful, which was nice, just kind of a musing.

That is a good pome.

i like the flow ,Very well chosen words