Those Eyes

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Those Eyes

It was my first day in a new school… again. It was also the fourth time we’d moved in the last eighteen months, so when my dad said it was the last I was kind of sceptical. My dad has a problem staying in one place; We’ve been moving ever since my mom died. He likes to move because it keeps him from focusing on it. I suppose that’s why he stopped writing; it gave him too much time to think.

I know I’ve changed too. I used to be head cheerleader and student body president. After my mother died I hated being in groups or really talking to anyone outside of class. I never went out anymore, and my boyfriend dumped me the moment he saw tears in my eyes. All my friends suddenly had very important things to do. I didn’t care. It only helped me to fulfill my need of being alone.

I became a ghost to everyone in school, including the people who had admired me the most. So when we started to move I didn’t mind. I would just blend in and no one would notice me, except for the first day when I was introduced. It seemed as if I had developed this invisible force field that kept people from seeing me. That’s why I was extremely disturbed when I realized I had been spotted.

I was giving my usual spiel about myself in front of the class, when I noticed a set of eyes looking at me. I know this is normal if I’m in front of the class, but people don’t usually notice me. They acknowledge me as something new in the class, like a new map that hadn’t been there the day before. But these eyes were filled with interest, a need to find out more about the unknown. Those eyes belonged to that of a person who actually walked up to the map and figured out where the treasure was. The treasure no one else knew about because they just didn’t look.

I finished my spiel and walked to my seat feeling those eyes on me, and I tried not to think about the fact that those eyes belonged to a guy a really cute guy.

I got through my class, but as the day progressed I had the distinct feeling of being watched. I finally realized he was in the majority of my classes. Even when I was in the halls I could feel the holes in my back burning deeper and deeper. By last period I was very on edge.

That intense stare hardly ever looked away from me. I got up the nerve to ask a girl named Jasmine, whom I’d met earlier, who he was. She acted as if he was the new kid, and said that shed never seen him before. And as I watched closely, I could tell that barely anyone noticed him at all. I watched and wondered how anyone could miss such a perfect specimen, and why anyone would wish to be missed the way he was.

Then I realized, he also had a type of force field .It was a lot like mine, but slightly different. He had his because he was meant to be that way. He was a born watcher. Born to see, and born to tell. He was the type that knew everything and everyone, and he knew I was an imposter. He knew that my force field was one belonging to a hermit, and at that moment I became ashamed.

I was ashamed to say this was how I was living my life. I hate it, and my mother would have too. I began to feel tears in my eyes. So I gathered up my books and walked out of class. I found the nearest empty bathroom and cried my eyes out.

I stood in front of the mirror long after school was over and thought about the changes I would make in both my life and my dad’s, and how I would slowly start my old activities again. I would do all of the things needed to get back on track, starting with getting to know that guy. I’d made my decisions and had him to thank, no matter how bizarre it sounded. So I picked up my bag, wiped my face again, fixed my hair, and walked out of the door.

There he was waiting out by the wall for god only knows what, and before I knew it, he was he was in front of me with his hand held out. “My name is Jared,” he said, “I’m kind of quiet, but I see things. I saw you today. Would you like to be friends?” and that was all he said, just like that. Not caring at all that this was completely unconventional. We stood there for what seemed like hours, but finally I took his hand, shook it and said “Thanks, you have no idea what this means to me.”
Last edited by TellATaleForTwo on Sun Mar 25, 2007 12:51 am, edited 1 time in total.




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" It was my first day in a new school…, again." - I wouldn't put the comma.

"I was kind of skeptical." - "Sceptical".

"My dad has a problem staying in one place. We’ve been moving ever since my mom died." - I would replace the midle full stop with a semi-colon.

"I suppose that’s why he stopped writting" - "Writing".

"I used too be head cheerleader" - "to".

"Those eyes belonged to that of a person who actually walked up to the map and figured out where the treasure was. The treasure no one else knew about because they just didn’t look." - This extended metaphor sounded a bit forced to me.

"those eyes belonged to a guy. A really cute guy." - Comma instead of full stop.

"and said that shed never seen him before." - "she'd".


"Even when I was in the halls I could feel the holes in my back burning deeper and deeper." - Again, the metaphor doesn't sound good to me.

"and why anyone would wish to be missed the way he was." - A bit clumsy here.

" Then I realized, he also had a type of force field .It was a lot like mine, but slightly different." - Space and full stop mixed up.

"I’m kind of quiet, but I see things." - That's an odd thing to say.

I liked this, you have a nice style. However, you dwelled a bit on force fields which sounded a bit odd. Anyway if there was more of this I would read on.
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I think ofour covered the grammar that you neglected :-)

The story is an amazing work in the making honestly. You have the ability, just not the...I'm not sure of the word.

The plot is a nice base line plot, some things are slightly cliche, but we'll leave those in because you can fix them later.

The BIGGEST problem you have is the overall way you wrote it. How much dialog is there? .01% xD How much do you say is actually happening? A lot. That is your probably, you say a whole lot, or for a better word, you narrate a lot of the story, but show us hardly anything. Practically every scene that you went over in the main characters narration could be redone in action with dialog, and be 500xs better. Writing a story in-narration is bad, because it is all telling. Put us in the scene. Make the whole story dialog, action, and a small portion of the main characters thoughts.

It's first person, so it's difficult, but I'm guessing you are just really attached to narrating is all? Just look at all the scenes you talked about, and do them with dialog. And the whole beginning, where there is no action, at the least slim it down, it is a huge info dump. You don't learn everything about a person right when you meet them, so why should you in a story?

Take a look at some of your favorite books in first person. Is it all narration, or a combination of narration, action, and dialog? For quick reference, though not exactly the best story in the world because I neglect detail, my novel To Keep No Secrets is in first person, and almost nothing is narrated out like this. Go find anything in first person, honestly, and look at the balance between narration and dialog. Dialog=action, but not always. In your case, it does, because the dialog is part of the action taking place.

I suggest that after looking at what you have written, and looking at first person examples, you rewrite the whole thing with that in mind. Good luck, and if you have any questions, be my guest and PM me.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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Hey
Okay it seems everthing wrong has already been stated so all i can say is that it was really really hard to keep my place in reading it cause it was so blocked. so if you could just space it out some it would be easier to read but other than that it was really good some people might be able to relate to this.
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:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Great....
again. can't wait to read more of this.
Amazing beginning. 10/10

:D :D :D :D

I am very happy I read this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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Okay interesting, good name choice. Except in my story that name is for a villain. Well lets get down to nitty gritty.

spiel.

From what I can guess this is sort or speech or intro please use "Intro" or "Speech"

She acted as if he was the new kid, and said that shed
Apostrophe for shed=she'd

hen I realized, he also had a type of force field .
Move full stop back one.

I stood in front of the mirror long after school was over and thought about the changes
Should be full stop at the end of this sentence.

Jared creeps me out, he sounds perverted.
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hopefully there is more to this story. it's so sad. =[ but in a good way.




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Hmmm... you spelled it right before, since you're an American. For us, it's "skeptical." ;)

Anyway... I liked how you described how his eyes had an effect on the narrator, but all you said was that he was a cute guy. Nuh uh, not good enough. I would prefer that you gave a full out description of what he looked like then just give us one simple sentence saying he was cute.

Also... I liked the beginning because you showed us some very tangible things about the character and you showed us her reactions. This is good. However, towards the end, you stopped showing us the tangible things that were happening to her and instead just gave us her reactions. Show us the whole story. What is she doing? Doe she do anything different in the different classes she's in? Describe it!

With that said, because you didn't describe the tangible aspects, aka, what's happening to her, the ending seems weaker than it should be. Describe exactly what's happening to her and it should be better.

Still! You have a nice way with words. :D
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Interesting concept. I understand where this girl is coming from. I haven't moved schools, but when I start a new ater-school activity or something I feel like this. Plus I'm usually just a person who keeps to themselves.

I did notice a few spelling and grammar mistakes- shed= should be she'd- but apart from that I liked it. You described her feelign about starting a new school and her mothers death well, but it wasn't over the top.



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