Flat

She took her raisin hands
and brushed coiled scars and
barbed curls from my
hitchhiking eyes.

"Destination is always
nowhere in a hurry."

Peddlers whistle so
fast only dog's ears catch
their song.
Alto women are
deep and gutteral,
low whistles know that
the side of the road is a
place.

Okay I like the top half. I was actually really into the top half. But as soon as I got to the bottom your words sort of became slurred and I didn't know the meaning of it all. Maybe with a break between them and some clarification this could become a really nice poem.

Keep at it and Welcome to YWS!
-Rieda

bonafide--


This isn’t doing anything for me. It comes across, for the most part, as a collection of tired poetic gimmicks. The parts that aren’t are OK, but they’re not enough to save the poem.

She took her raisin hands
and brushed coiled scars and
barbed curls from my
hitchhiking eyes.

** The first strophe sound good, but it really doesn’t do anything to engage the reader. Part of the problems is nonsensical description: "coiled scars" and "barbed curls" in your "hitchiking eyes" – all descriptions that either (1) make some kind of faint click in the brain or (2) fail miserably, which is really the same thing. In any case, they fail the poem overall.

"Destination is always
nowhere in a hurry."

** Here’s an interesting (though confusing) thought, but it's as if you’re working overtime to establish a tone of wistfulness. Also, when you go into the next strophe, the assumption is that you’re still describing the previous encounter.

Peddlers whistle so
fast only dog's ears catch
their song.
Alto women are
deep and gutteral,
low whistles know that
the side of the road is a
place.

** I have no idea what you’re trying to do with the final strophe. The two short strophes don’t merit the attention you’re trying to draw to them and starting the third with the isolated “peddlers” is not helping. And what is it that this has to do with the rest of the piece – that the woman was a peddler, an alto woman, both? Where are you going with this?

To me, the close simply doesn’t make sense. The only reference to it is the bit with the woman from S1. If there’s something that you feel is obvious about the relationship between the end and the rest, it’s never established in the poem.

If you want to rescue this, I think you need to consider an industrial-strength overhaul, starting by figuring out what it is that you’re trying to say.


Best of luck,
Brad

I appreciate your critique, Incandescence, but I believe your target for my error is far offhand. I know exactly what I am trying to communicate. It's lost in translation, which is to no other's fault but my own.

The alto woman and the woman with the raisin hands are the same character. She's quite the opposite from the peddler character, who is representing what she was chiding - those rushing through life. "Dogs ears" communicates that only lower class people relate to these rushing people. The low whistle opposes this lifestyle, meaning that she is deep and takes her time - the coiled scars refers to a hard life of slavery with machinery.

The fact that I had to explain that expresses that I'll have to restart this poem with a new approach if I want to communicate this properly. Thank you for making me realize this miscommunication.

bonafide--


re: "I know exactly what I am trying to communicate. It's lost in translation, which is to no other's fault but my own."

Not knowing what to communicate and not doing so are the same thing from this end. Do your part on your side of the equation, and I'll do mine.

I feel, as you do, that in your response you have had to explain too much. I suspected you were attempting to communicate much of what you indicate, but at the same time, I wonder why it is muddled to begin with. Part of the problem is that this is more or less without a point--it is a simple, linear narrative, and even though hints of meaning are poked at, they're sacrificed to the incoherence.

The greatest problem beseeching you is you have way too much symbolism running amok without real tendrils of connectivity. For instance:

"Alto women are / deep and gutteral (sic), / low whistles know that" is confusing. You could, without sacrificing anything, easily say "The alto woman / is deep and guttural..." to connect back to your first strophe. As for the remainder of this, you really lose your audience. "low whistles" do not "know" anything--they are not creatures, and if for this poem they are, you've failed to communicate that.

I digress. My point is this: your poem is wildly erratic and requires a heavy amount of serious and thoughtful editing before it will be ready to be called good. That said, put it aside for a while and write something else--you seem to know what you're doing, so I'll leave you to it.


Thanks for letting me read,
Brad