kaleidoscopes dulled to black

fuck him.

is what you'd think I'd say
but I'm too caught up with yesterday.
only he can sing those memorable suicidal serenades
with his lullabies to paralyze and heavy heart grenades.

with him i am
quixotic,
neurotic,
lethargic,
euphoric.

love is funny;
love is fucked;
it was my morphine;
my life it sucked.

Our kaleidoscopes faded to black.
That iridescence will never come back
Broken, beautiful, shattered;
Did we really even matter?

"Forever and a day.
That was our love
how did it get this way?"
Singing Valhalla lullabies.
Broken winters sterilize
our destruction and demise.
I'll yell up to the skies:

"fuck you."

No worries,
I'll laugh it off.
it's cool, it's cool:
but no I've had enough!

"FUCK YOU!"

and you laughed.
and laughed.
and laughed.

(ha ha.)


I changed the rating to R to reflect site rules.

~Mesh

What was the point?

In some points it was...interesting. I liked some of the technique, like here:

with him i am
quixotic,
neurotic,
lethargic,
euphoric.

But it doesn't follow much sense, doesn't obey a lot of poetry's rules, and is a very cliched topic. (Lost love, I suppose?)

in this part:

but he laughed and scoffed.
i threw up and coughed
and my kaleidoscopes dulled to black
and i don't think we'll ever go back
to those yesterdays;
those passionate ways.
was it really just a phase?
maybe i was just in a daze.

You leaned too heavy on rhyming. If you are going to rhyme, do it thoughout the whole poem. Give your poem structure, please! This was just so scattered... and could you capitalize the pronoun "I" for a change?

I didn't like it. I think you might have some poetic gland in you (I did like that one part) but otherwise, it didn't show.

And this should be rated R for the language.

Yes, you're right. I'm tend to be too vague and scattered. And sorry about the rating. The rules said that it should be PG-13 for language, but your right: it should be R. Again, sorry about that.

I'll edit it and whatnot later when I have time. Thank you for your critique. I appreciate it.

Lines it could definitely do without:

my life it sucked.

No worries,
I'll laugh it off.
it's cool, it's cool:
but no I've had enough!

This words don't express the mood you present to us:

with him i am
quixotic,
neurotic,
lethargic,
euphoric.

Direct your anger into a formulated poem, and your work could be beautiful, filled with such ardent passion. Just don't let it consume you until you are incoherent.

Singing Valhalla lullabies.
Broken winters sterilize

I loved this part

Okay I was a bit surprised by this. I was esspecially surprised about how you started you kept the word fuck going through the whole thing. Strangely I liked it though. Your lines were really well strategized. I loved the different combonations you put in here.

Keep it up!
-Rieda

beyond.the.horizon -


This is junk. The readers here aren't interested in spending time trying to improve stuff that can't be salvaged.

It's simply a rant that belongs in your personal notebook.

As you'll notice, most (serious/good) work here is free verse with a few exceptions and the themes are fairly complex compared to this. I don't think you'll get any positive feedback with this quality work, probably just a lot of grief.

Feel free to linger and read the poets posting here. The feedback posted to the threads can act as a pretty good primer for the types of things you should probably be thinking about as you continue to write.


Hope this finds you well,
Brad